Dear Friends,
Oh my goodness how time does fly. One whole year.
It feels like only yesterday when it was Christmas, that blessed and holy time of the year when we share gifts with family, and keep in touch with distant friends. A time to send Christmas cards and letters detailing our achievements during the year.
I do so look forward to Christmas time.
My Christmas mailing list has been substantially reduced this year.
Many of my friends must have moved house last year and forgotten to furnish me with new mailing addresses.
Almost half of my 2010 Christmas cards were returned to my post office box endorsed with; “Not known at this address. Return to sender!”
I do hope they contact me sometime this year because I’d like to be able to send them some more of my original cards from the Goft Shop “Yuletide Nude-Santa” series next Christmas.
This year has been very exciting for the GOF Family. As you might know I went to Italy last January after I received a Federal Arts Council fellowship grant to study set design and costume embroidery at the Neapolitan Opera and Ballet Company.
I spent a wonderful eleven months there working under the tutorship of the knowledgeable and rather handsome young Alessandro.
He taught me so many new things that I never knew about, but I must admit we did occasionally get up to quite a lot of mischief,
like the day we spent trying-on all the Swan Lake costumes and pirouetting around the dimly-lit sets backstage.
I only returned from Italy two weeks ago and it was an amazing surprise to find that Mrs GOF had given birth to a beautiful baby boy which she had named Peregrine, just a fortnight before I arrived back home. Mrs GOF always likes to give me surprises.
A beautiful little infant with bright red hair and blue eyes, and Mrs GOF tells me that we are really lucky to have him. She says that medical procedures have improved enormously since we had our last child 19 years ago. She assured me that back in the 1990’s, any baby that was 8 weeks overdue would most certainly have died in the womb.
Sometimes we really do need to take time out and give thanks.
Our elder daughter Petchonkina has just turned 24. She acquired her Mother’s trait of playing funny games too. Every time I ring her up she puts on a funny accent and tells me Petchonkina doesn’t live there any more….. before hanging up.
I know that she DOES still live there because last week there was a photograph of her on the front page of the newspaper. I am proud that she apparently acquired my green thumb, and I think she might have won some sort of award, because in the picture she seems to be standing outside her house flanked by a couple of judges while all her lush green potted plants were being loaded into a big truck…..probably for display at her local horticultural show.
Lots of other men were also moving out several of her really big crocheting and knitting lights, I assume in order that her prize-winning plants could be properly lit at the display.
Felicity, our 19 year-old pride and joy seems to have her life well and truly back on an even keel. She was always misunderstood at school. You will remember that when she was 13 she was harassed in a most terrible way and accused of burning down the school when really she had just been doing some science homework at night under the classroom with a bunsen burner and a flask of kerosene.
It seems that Felicity met some really nice boys during the twelve months she subsequently spent in juvenile detention.
She has now provided us with four grandchildren, one fathered by each of them.
Isn’t it amazing how quickly the little kiddies grow up these days.
Harley will be five and going off to start kindergarten next year but Felicity will be leaving the younger ones, Grunt, Kawasaki and Reefer with us to look after because she is so busy with her night-shift job somewhere down on the High Street.
That’s all of our news for this year folks.
We wish you a Happy Christmas.
Love and best wishes,
Mr and Mrs GOF.
The Bucket 
Er, Merry Christmas to you all too, GOF. We are moving overseas next year so this will be the last time you’ll be getting a Christmas message from us. I understand there is no internet or postal service where we are going. Such a shame…
Thank you Snowy. Bon voyage and Merry Christmas. I know you’ll let me know when you have a new postal address because I have even better ideas for next year’s Christmas cards.
Thank you, GOF. Sadly, I think it will be some time before we get another postal address…
Homing pigeons?
I understand there’s been a serious outbreak of bird flu there….or something….
Mrs GOF thinks you’re trying to avoid me Snowy, but I know that’s not possible……she’s got her wires crossed again…..mind you, if I find you’re still around blogging next year I’ll ask Felicity if she’s interested in doing some science experiments under your house. 😉
Tell Mrs GOF that it’ll be an imposter, GOF. She may ask why anyone would want to impost me of all people. Tell her there’s some very strange people who hang out in my neighbourhood. I think she’ll accept that..
I think Inga might have already told Mrs GOF that some very strange people own and hang out on this blog Snowy. She’s happy with that……nothing she never already knew. 🙂
It’s all in the attitude of gratitude!
Except GOF has got more attitude than gratitude.
Not known at this address. Return to sender.
.
.
.
(On a serious note – got a letter like this from a distant cousin on my wife’s side of the family. Her kids are all grown, and the grandkids as well, so she’s taken to bragging about how well the dog has been doing in obedience school. Really … not kidding.)
“Not known at this address. Return to sender.”
I always appreciate your clever responses to my stories GOM, and they don’t come much better than this. 🙂
I was going to mention pets in this story but thought it was a little too far-fetched…….but obviously it wasn’t. Hope the dog graduated from school this year.
Congratulations on the birth of that “miracle” baby. Does he by chance resemble a friend of your wife’s or possibly the mail man? Just curious. Merry Christmas and enjoy that family of yours because I’m not sure anyone else could appreciate them the way you do!
Thank you angry, we are so blessed to have this child. I did momentarily question why it had red hair and blue eyes considering those characteristics do not occur in my family tree, but Mrs GOF assured me that it can be explained by something she called “genetic variation” .
GOF has learned during the course of 30 years marriage that MRS GOF’s opinion and knowledge on any subject is not to be questioned.
Oh, and a Merry Christmas to you too.
GOF, I had no idea you were in Italy! I would have introduced you to my Roman friend Lizabeta, who’s young for her age (52) and is a terrific cook. She has a short temper and great strength, however, and has been known to throw a husband or two out the window.
Mayhap your new addition to the family is the product of an Immaculate Conception? In which case, you’re another Joseph. There are many medieval legends about Joseph’s position in the Holy Family, most of them alluding to him as the Holy Cuckold.
“GOF, I had no idea you were in Italy!”
I like to keep these ventures quiet HG. Hiding my artistic tutu under a bushel as it were..
Please send Lizabeta’;s address. I like food and I’m well used to Mrs GOF throwing me out of windows. I’ll be spending part of next year in The Vatican at the request of the Pope to provide spiritual guidance for a clutch of errant Bishops.
If I find any Cuckolds around here they’ll sure end up holey…one way or another.
Good grief, GOF.
You do realise how many errant Bishops there are out there?
You have a job for life.
Merry Xmas to you and Mrs GOF and your moral compass Inga.
Come and join me Pete. The job’s too big for one man and his elastrator. Lizabeta can cook for both of us and throw us out the window when we misbehave.
I wonder what floor Lizabeta lives on? We might have to change this plan.
Inga my moral compass????
Did the Titanic have a moral compass? 🙂
Lizabeta lives in a two-story house. On a hill, so the drop from her second-floor balcony is fairly long.
Ex-husband #1 still walks with a limp. But she makes the best veal parmigiana ever.
Thank you HG. I’m beginning to think the benefits of Lizabeta’s food might be outweighed by the two-storey + drop.
But you’re not planning to marry her, so it’s all good. Right? Or you don’t practice polygamy out where you live, do you?
I’ll just go ask Mrs GOF about all of this HG. It may be a little while before I feel well enough to return with an answer for you. 🙂
Italian cooking works for me but I’m hoping I get thrown out second. I think I’d prefer landing on GOF as opposed to a stone patio.
I thought Inga had handed down the Commandments and the tablets you operate under?
Oi… youth before experience please when it comes to getting thrown out of windows Peter.
Shhhhhh let’s not talk about Inga’s tablets…..I’m not sure she’s supposed to have them.
LOL!! Lizabeta’s services must be in great demand this time of year!!
Yes, I’m led to believe there are a lot of Italian husbands that need throwing out of windows. 🙂
Bwahahaha!
Merry Christmas, GOF, Mrs. GOF and all the little imaginary (did I say that out loud) GOFs.
And many heartfelt condolences to Inga.
Bwahahahaha…..
Inga???? Is there an Inga too???? I’ll have to go back and look through some of my old diaries.
I’m sure you’re thrilled that Petchonkina will be making all those new holiday friends with her green thumb and subsequent high holidays. Will you be joining her? 😀
Petchonkina doesn’t talk to me any more Emmy. Not since I went to help her with garden work and I accidentally ran the mower over 10,000 seedlings of her special plants. Silly old GOF just thought it was weed.
I’m not friends or family, but couldn’t resist such a humorous Christmas letter. Thanks for sharing it. Good luck with your Christmas infant. Maybe there’ll me another next year?
Thank you for visiting Barb.
I would have replied sooner except I spent the night in the emergency ward after choking on your suggestion that another GOF infant might arrive next year.
Who knows. Mrs GOF appears to require very little input from me in these matters.
o_0
As I was about to say; Mrs GOF appears to require very little input from me in these matters involving forward planning. 🙂
Brilliant! Your letter sounds quite similar to a couple I get each year – that’s what happens when one grows up in a very small country town and marries a young man who grew up in the same very small country town and they have children who grow up to partner with other children in the small country town…..
We had one cousin who entertained us every year with her tails of woe woe woe is me. My job sucks. My family is a mess, my back hurts, my life sucks. We always looked forward to these letters as they were quite entertaining.
OH.GOOD.LORD. I said “tails” of woe, when I most obviously meant “Tales.”. Sigh.