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Australia; You bloody little ripper

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(Rough translation into proper English;
"Australia; well done ladies and gentlemen, let's celebrate.")

Australia today stands in front of the grandstand of the world like a thoroughbred racehorse which has just won the most coveted Derby prize in history.

Our nostrils are proudly flared, heartbeat elevated, and the frothy sweat of exertion exudes from every pore of our magnificent body.

All the opposition was left far behind on the racetrack of life, blinded by the divots of superiority kicked up by our golden hooves.
Heads now bowed in acknowledgement of their miserable gelded inadequacy.

Aboard us, the jockey of culture, resplendent in the silken colours
of social success, rises from his saddle and salutes with digital singularity in response to the world's standing ovation.  

Australia, you see, from a field of 35 countries, has been awarded the coveted  "Sinning Award"  by the BBC in the United Kingdom.

The following are the sins, determinants and category winners.

1.  Pride              Plastic surgery             Iceland
2.  Wrath             Violent crime                South  Africa
3.  Sloth               Annual holidays           Iceland
4.  Greed             Salary levels                Mexico
5.  Gluttony          Fast-food spend         USA
6.  Lust                Pornography use         South Korea
7.  Envy               Incidence of theft         Australia

This is however no time for complacency.  We should be chastened by Iceland's superiority in the Pride Category and act immediately to rectify this, our woeful National inadequacy, in 2011.

As Australia's new self-appointed Minister For Sin, I will immediately enact the following;
One hundred second-hand (note budgetary responsibility) camper vans will be acquired and converted into mobile operating theatres.

Medical crews will scour every nook and cranny of our wide brown land searching for mismatched ears, dislocated or misshapen noses, surplus chins, sagging derrieres and all forms of obesity.

Only with such an invasive wave of compulsory surgical procedure, and liposuction on an industrial scale, will we be in a position to challenge Iceland next year.

Later this month I'll deal with South Korea, announcing a raft of policies and legislation designed to knock it off it's prominent perverted pornographic perch.

In the meantime please grant me one quiet moment of patriotic pride, so that I might place a right hand over my sinful little Aussie heart, and ride this true-blue ball-tearing wave of fabulousness by singing Australia's National Anthem.

Uh-Oh…..how does it go again?

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Prophylactic Games

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Sometimes life is made more complete by stumbling across information, which in hindsight makes you wonder how you previously lived life without the knowledge.

A modest example if I may.

During the 2000 Olympic Games in Sydney, a total of 90,000 condoms were distributed to the 10,000 athletes in the Olympic village.
Obviously identifying this as some sort of dubious record to be broken, Athens managed to hand out 130,000 in 2004.

Now I am a little perplexed.  Were there a whole lot of olympic athletic events being shown on television late at night after Mrs GOF had safely tucked me into bed?    I am going to keep a close eye on it this year.

Has the inspirational Olympic motto of Faster-Higher-Stronger been modified to include "Relentless"?

I want the Olympics permanently moved to the Vatican City to eliminate all this sin and iniquity.

And I always did wonder what that Olympic logo was all about.  Now my life is complete.

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