(Parental Guidance recommended; Contains partial nudity)
Once upon a time there was a cuddly teddy bear called Fozzie.
Fozzie lived in the middle of the rainforest with a little girl named Inga, who grew up into a big girl called Globet which is a really funny name that she chose for herself.
When she was little, Inga would dress Fozzie in nice clothes and tuck him warm and snug into bed every night.
Fozzie had another best friend called Garfield.
One day, soon after Inga had grown up into a Globet, she knew that she had to leave home because her Daddy told her to, so she flew all the way to the other side of Australia just to get away from him.
There were no more seats left on the aeroplane, so Fozzy had to stay at home with Garfield, and Inga’s nice Mummy, and the evil Grandpa GOF, who sometimes made Fozzie sit all alone on top of the wardrobe where all the cockroaches and spiders lived.
After a while Fozzie got really angry at being treated that way, so he sent messages to all his little piggy friends in the rainforest to come and create havok amongst GOF’s assets and gardens.
“Please come and create absolute havok and make a really big mess of GOF’s place” pleaded Fozzie at a meeting of their Porcine Parliament.
The pigs were very happy to help, and they dug, and they wallowed, and they shat, and they ploughed up Evil GOF’s gardens big time.
When Evil GOF found out what was happening, he got really angry and tried to shoot the pigs with a gun which is a very naughty thing to do, but Fozzie and Garfield always warned the pigs when GOF was coming to look for them, so none of them ever got hurt.
Then Evil GOF built a trap to try and catch the pigs, and it was then that some really funny things happened.
First he didn’t build the trap door properly and it fell down on his foot which made him use some words that Fozzie had never heard before.
“ You $#%@ %$#&*% @%$# *&$%# door” shouted Evil GOF at the top of his voice.
Fozzie laughed and laughed and laughed until tears streamed down his face as he watched the Evil One hopping around in the mud on one leg.
Then Grandpa GOF tightened some trotter trip wires to make the door fall down after the pigs came inside his trap, and then a long nylon fishing line back to his hideout in the shed so that just in case the pigs didn’t trigger the first one he could do it himself.
Then you wouldn’t believe what happened next.
In the middle of the night after he had given up and gone to bed,
Evil Grandpa thought he heard the trap go off, so he came running helter-skelter out of the house wearing gumboots, a fully loaded shotgun and not a great deal else, to check his trap.
That was a really disturbing sight for Fozzy to see, but what happened next was the funniest thing that he had ever seen in his whole life.
Evil GOF forgot all about his fishing line which he couldn’t see in the dark, so he went running into it and the door came crashing down with a really big bang.
He had caught himself in his very own trap.
Fozzie almost wet himself because it was all so, so funny.
It reminded Fozzie and Garfield of the last time they went to a soccer match together. But this time the big scoreboard was reading;
Pigs 1 : GOF 0.
Dear oh dear, Fozzie hadn’t laughed so much for a really long time, but Evil Grandpa heard him laughing and, as punishment, made Fozzie sit on permanent sentry duty with the gun ready on his lap.
But Fozzie isn’t really going to hurt any of his piggy friends, and all the animals still laugh at the silly things that Evil Grandpa GOF does, so they all lived happily ever after…..
except of course for Evil GOF….but that’s another story………and God help us, he’ll probably keep inflicting them on people ad nauseum for ever.