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Gun control problem solved

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  Social Engineers by Appointment.


The President,
Republica de Colombia,

Dear Sir,

We thank you for contracting our company to provide a solution to the escalating rate of gun-related deaths in Colombia and the resultant unacceptable lead contamination levels found in drinking water supplies downstream from Bogota’s cemetaries.

As you are aware, this brief was placed in the competent hands of our senior partner Mr GOF, an experienced munitions and environment expert, and accomplished drinker for more than six decades.

Mr GOF very much appreciated the hospitality which you lavishly bestowed upon him in Bogota at the ceremonial banquet held in his honour.
He says he will never forget the dessert upon which you liberally sprinkled all that icing sugar before asking him to sniff it repeatedly and deeply to comply with customary ritual, and wonders if your chef would be kind enough to send him the recipe and a kilogram or two of ingredients.

We have great pleasure in attaching herewith Mr GOF’s final recommendations for reducing your gun-related deaths from the current annual rate of 50 per 100,000 population to the USA level of 10, then eventually to that of Australia which sits at 3.

It should however be pointed out that if the recommendations are implemented, deaths will spike during the first 12 months to around 10,000 per 100,000 before settling back to 10 in the following year.

Yours Faithfully,

Vladimir J. Smirnoff

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The  J E S U S  Conversion Kit.
(for International distribution)

(Justification Error; Shoot User Sensor)

This patented electronic sensor instantly combines and evaluates visual and GPS data before operating the projectile deflector at the moment the gun trigger is pulled.
The JESUS Conversion Kit (sensor box and 180 degree barrel) comes in various sizes to suit any sort of firearm or military armament.

We recommend the immediate mandatory fitting of JESUS Kits on all new firearms and retro-fitting to existing guns.

Any reticence on the part of current gun owners (including members of the Gun Proliferation for Personal Safety Lobby, that pre-eminent collective of compassionate, intelligent, clear-thinking logicians) can be overcome by offering them incentives such as the following;

1. Free silencers and subsidised ammunition.
2. Free “M U M” knuckle tattoos.
3. Free admission to outdoor festivals featuring various combinations of mud, music and naked tattooed bikie chicks.
4. Free life membership of any extreme right-wing political party of their choice.

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Justification Parameters programmed into the JESUS Sensor which enable normal “straight ahead” shooting.

1. Intruders entering the owner’s home or business with malicious intent.

2. Defence Force personnel repelling a hostile foreign threat, but only whilst remaining WITHIN their own lawful land borders or territorial waters. Imaginary threats do not count.

3.  The provision of meat for human consumption, and landowners protecting property from feral animal damage.

4.  Law enforcement officers protecting innocent citizens from harm. eg stolen-car pursuits or angry ferrets stuck up trees.

5.  Sporting shooters who derive a sense of achievement and/or superiority from making expensive little holes in paper targets or blasting the shit out of catapulted airborne lumps of clay.


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The Nobel Peace Prize is looking good for GOF this year.

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Previous achievements of Smirnoff, Fulcrum and GOF can
be found here (unlicenced drivers) and here (rising ocean levels)

Laughable larceny

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Papua New Guinea cities today are often lawless violent places.  Crimes committed at the point of a gun are commonplace and the police force, possessing an inferior arsenal, is frequently unwilling to confront the armed "raskal" gangs responsible.

It was not always so.  During the 1960's the only people in PNG permitted to have firearms were members of the military, a few thoroughly screened "special applicants" such as slaughtermen, pilots and ship's captains, and each administrative patrol post also had some weapons securely locked away for emergency use by police or Government patrol officers.
Every firearm was rigorously monitored.
After mine ended up on the bottom of the flooded Gwenif River following a "canoe malfunction" during a 2 week foot patrol of the Sepik plains, I was interrogated, and required to explain the loss in a Statutory Declaration and numerous other Government forms in triplicate.

Each village was also permitted to have one only shotgun for the purposes of hunting wild game.  The gun licence was allocated to a village elder who was responsible and accountable for use of the weapon.

Gun related crime simply did not occur under this regime.

Burglaries were always common in a country where there was so much discrepancy between the "haves" and the "have nots", but guns have now replaced inventiveness and taken the creativity out of larceny.

The first crime against me was the theft one night of a case containing a piano accordian which I had left under my house on a rural outpost.  Presumably the thief was gutted when he discovered that it was not full of fifty Kina notes or gold bullion. 
The first I knew of it was when the local constable visited me early next morning dragging the young offender by the ear to provide an apology along with return of the instrument.

Next, in Lae town, my watch was stolen off a table in my house by a thief gaining access through louvre windows, while I slept in another room.
I bought a new watch, deliberately leaving it in the same place while I camouflaged myself, solid length of 4×2 hardwood in hand, behind some sofa cushions waiting to exact some GOF retribution if he tried poking his head back in through the windows again.
Light fingers apparently do not strike in the same place twice.

Homeowners eventually started welding steel mesh over windows as a deterrent, so thieves then graduated to removing sheets of roofing iron instead to gain access to goodies.

The most innovative incident occurred at a "burglar proofed" rural shop. 
(burglar alarms and electronic devices were not available in PNG in the 1960's)
All the windows, doors, walls and roof were "steel meshed", but the wooden floor was a few inches off the ground to avoid termite attack.
The innovative thieves firstly stole a couple of car jacks then burrowed under, and lifted up the floor to gain access.

Maybe they went on to become banking executives or used car salesmen.

Or, more likely, when their society degenerated and no longer effectively prevented them from owning guns, they graduated to simply shooting people before stealing their possessions.


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Keeping Charltons dream alive

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Occasionally GOF has trouble with pesky critters who invade his vegetable garden, or neighbours who impinge upon his solitude.
In Australia you need to have an acceptable reason to own a firearm, have no criminal record, and pass a written safety examination  to be granted a licence to use one.
Unfortunately an annoying neighbour does not apparently fall within the parameters of "acceptable reason". However, being confronted with angry and hungry feral pigs on a regular basis does.  They are not easily negotiated with, and "shoo" does not immediately send them into rapid retreat.   A 410 solid projectile, on the other hand, does.  I do not ever feel the need to take my firearm to town for a couple of good reasons.  Firstly, no-one else carries a gun around town so there is no imminent threat to my wellbeing, and, secondly I prefer my own warm bed to that of the police lockup.
There seems to be an increasing awareness in the US that Charlton Heston (1924-2008) and the gun lobby's dream of guns for the masses is turning into a nightmare.  How many innocent children need to be gunned down in American schools before the issue of gun ownership is addressed.  I have considerable difficulty understanding the logic behind the right of every citizen to bear arms and its benefit to society.  Is it similar to vaccination?  If I carry a little pistol, will it give me immunity against somebody elses bigger weapon?
Being a caring citizen of the world I would like to offer a contribution to the debate;
There are two possible reasons for the apparent increase in gun related killings;

1. Charlton and the gun lobby are wrong.

2. Perhaps in the 21st century, guns no longer provide an adequate protection factor, and upgrading and expanding an individuals arsenal is long overdue.

Thus, civic duty has driven me to manufacture a very small personal nuclear device, with just sufficient power to eliminate  impediments to the happiness of the individual.   It resembles a matchbox and can easily be carried in the pocket or handbag, avoids detection by electronic systems, and is a perfect accessory for the harrassed individual, gang member, nutter, or corporate executive wishing to deter a hostile takeover bid.  It can be remotely triggered by a modified electronic car locking button, although it will be wise to clearly identify which one you use for your car.  Triggering the device whilst it is still in your pocket has adverse repercussions on your health.  It is kind to the environment and leaves no metallic residue or evidence of your involvement.  Everything within a 2 metre cubic volume will be vaporised.  Think of it as progressively cleaning up the littered world we live in.
Order now!   Phone within the next 20 minutes and receive a free mini cluster bomb attachment for even greater personal protection and safety.

How does one go about applying to be awarded the Nobel Peace Prize?

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