RSS Feed

Tag Archives: cats

Things up with which I must put.

Posted on

1.   A wife whose breakfast-time summaries of TV programs she watched last night take longer than the actual programs.

2.   The only two-legged grandsomething I’m ever going to get from my daughter will most likely be a foul-mouthed kleptomaniac cockatoo or an unbalanced double-amputee wombat which she has adopted from Animal Welfare.

3.   Timmy the new kitten and Kebba our dysfunctional pig dog are shamelessly flouting the laws of nature.

It’s very fortunate that at least one person in this family is devoid of peculiarity. You may consider me to be like an electronic room deodoriser…… spurting out fragrant poofs of wisdom and sensibility ad libitum all over my fiefdom to overpower the foul absurdities which surround me.

It is hard being normal.

Now if you don’t mind I’d like to go now and finish writing my current academic gift to mankind; “Digital procedures for estimating core temperature and determining textural anomalies in fresh cassowary faecal deposits.”

* * * * * * * * * * * * * *

Type 72 textured cassowary poop

Type 72 textured cassowary poop




The Procrastinating Cat

Posted on

With apologies in advance to Inga and GOM and everyone else I expect to offend today.  Old acquaintances will understand that I have a genetic predisposition (similar to that which causes obesity)
to being thoroughly irritating and objectionable on a frequent basis.

I have arranged for my faulty gene to be replaced with one extracted from a lavender plant on the first of April, after which time I will be blogging with serene graciousness and gentility, whilst smelling utterly and irresistibly divine.

Marni the procrastinating cat

Pigs fly and give us bacon.
Doleful cows ooze milk and cheese.
Birdsong’s sweet for early waking.
Goldfish yawns put me at ease.
Is there anything more annoying
In the world which God begat,
Than a lazy good-for-nothing
Pro-crast-inating cat?

Kookaburras laugh, something funny.
Weazels tickle your inside leg.
Horses race and give me money.
Gerbils train to sit and beg.
Most pets do this useful stuff
To justify a pat.
Unlike this useless pile of fluff.
The procrastinating cat.

Dogs know how to pull a sled,
Are eyes for people blind.
Other pups locate the dead
Or substances for the mind.
Rover’s food’s a simple dish
Or a decomposing rat.
No demand for gourmet fish
Like procrastinating cat.

Personified superfluousness.
Evolutionary mistake.
Biting, scratching viciousness
Whenever he’s awake.
Parks himself upon my chair.
Presumptious little brat.
Shedding bucketloads of hair.
The procrastinating cat.

I have a reputation,
Mock hatred to uphold.
It’s under disputation.
Or so I’ve just been told.
My Love’s brain’s be-fuddling
She don’t know where she’s at,
Today she sprung me cuddling
The procrastinating cat.

Pugilist pussy

Posted on

Introducing, for the very first time, in the blue corner, legendary mouse slayer,  MARNI GOF!!!!!

And, in the red corner, punching well above his weight, I give you, CASSIUS TICK!!!!!!

                                                       Then, shortly afterwards;

In my area, paralysis ticks on cats and dogs often constitute a medical emergency.  Animals can be dead within 48 hours.
Detected early enough, the pets can be saved by veterinary intervention…..sedation and injection of anti-toxin.

Symptoms are almost identical to those I display every time the Highway Patrol pull me aside for drunk driving.
I am unable to walk in a straight line and my legs collapse beneath me.  In Australian bush speak, I am wearing my "wobbly boots",  and when I try to make an explanation to the good Officer, all that comes out of my mouth is a strange quacking noise.

Six days after treatment, Marni is now starting to walk, drink and  eat again.
Mrs GOF is especially happy.

I hope this little story might placate my friend Grouchy Old Man, gentleman and cat lover, whose sensibilities I recently offended by including the words "explode" and "cats" in the same sentence.

"I, GOF, hereby declare that I operate a cat friendly environment."  *** 

(And I have a $200 receipt from the vets to prove it)

*** Cats and children are subject to the same regulations.
     My response towards them is commensurate with the
     level of conduct they exhibit towards me.
     Should either class of animal fail to reach reasonable minimum
     standards of behaviour, then I reserve the right, entirely at my 
     own discretion, to revoke this Declaration of Tolerance.

Read and post comments |
Send to a friend