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The problem with GOF (this time)

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Each year when my daughter returns home for holidays after working in that God-forsaken windblown frigid southern extremity of Australia known as Melbourne, I fritter away all my perfectly good blogging time by going bushwalking with her, visiting interesting new places, or discussing life and the condition of the planet over glasses of wine.

Furthermore, she invades and occupies The Bucket Headquarters and engages a squadron of man-hating combat cassowaries just to guard the entrance and make sure that “all this stupid blogging business of yours GOF”  comes to a grinding halt for the duration of her occupation.

The Bucket Headquarters

“Comments” for this story have been turned “off”.

We don’t want to open the floodgates for “The problem with GOF” remarks.

Do we!

Nor do we need to allow Inga the right of reply and the opportunity to modify this truthful historical record when she discovers next week what I have written today.

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This may take awhile

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The Monsoon Trough is going through an active phase to the near North, leaving GOF’s place directly beneath the Intertropical Convergence Zone.

For those not meteorologically inclined, it is bloody wet and cloudy in these mountains at the moment.

No sun = no solar power = no computer = no blogging.  😦

Indestructible Protestantism

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It’s like mercury or Dieldrin.  Once it gets inside your system it’s very hard to get rid of.

Believe it or not this is going to be some sort of explanation as to why my “Comments” are disabled.

Every wet season I become guilt-ridden by remnants of infused Presbyterian righteousness when it comes to the management of comments with my WordPress friends.

It is a sin for one to receive when one dost not give.

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My blogging activities are governed entirely by the following scientific truths.

1.  My computer, in the absence of an onboard nuclear fission facility, coal-fired steam engine or mice pounding away on a treadmill requires electricity to function.

2.  As I have been unable to come up with the $100,000 required to connect to the power grid, or find a method of growing harvestable electrons in my garden composter, I have to rely upon solar panels to produce them.

3. Solar panels go on strike during our wet season when the sun has to shine through 10,000 feet of cloud and rain to reach them.  No amount of verbal abuse or threatening behaviour will encourage them to produce more than a pittance of usable power.

This pittance I must share equally with Mrs GOF.

My share of the pittance enables me to post stories and read yours, but only during rare sunny breaks do I ever get the computer time necessary to compose and post comments.

There are two possible ways that you might be able to help me overcome this problem.

A.  Send lots of money so I can buy more solar panels and batteries.

No. That won’t work. Methodist morality would make me return it to you immediately, with interest added, on the grounds that I didn’t work for it.

B.  This might be a better idea. You could come and suggest to Mrs GOF that watching The Bold and Beautiful every day on TV is a complete waste of precious electrons which could be better utilised by GOF posting smart-arse comments on your blog.

Please let me know in advance when you will be arriving so that I can pre-book an ambulance and a bed for you in the local Intensive care Unit.

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In the unlikely event that you find something in The Bucket which requires correction or urgent comment, or you’d just like to communicate with the Grumpy One, please shove a Private Message down my Chute located in the wall to your left.

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For anyone interested in pictures of our solar power system they are  HERE.

My private bits

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Until today I have avoided the personal questionnaires which periodically circulate amongst bloggers. Invariably however I always enjoyed reading any honest and thoughtful responses which were made by other writers, so herewith is my first, and probably last attempt.

In order to give you a fighting chance of being bothered to read even half of it, I have omitted those questions which have little relevance to my circumstances and paraphrased others, so for the full list of questions please visit MT’s blog  from whence I purloined it.

1. Why did you sign up for writing your blog.

Both my parents died a long time ago. Now in my own senior years,
I still regret that I failed to ask them about their inner feelings and philosophies of life or how they lived the first 40 years of their lives before I was born. I vowed not to leave my own children wondering about me, so this blog was born to provide them with a detailed account of my life and the principles and motivations which have driven it.

I also felt a responsibility to post some of my old Papua New Guinea photographs and memoirs in a public arena because they might in future have some historical value to someone.

2. How did you choose your blog’s name? What does it mean?

The bilgebucket” is self-explanatory.

Somewhere along the way my whale of honorable blogging intention beached itself upon the sands of mediocrity, and the stench from it’s decomposing carcase has been polluting the atmosphere of my WordPress neighbourhood ever since.

GOF = Grumpy Old Fart.  Again self-evident.

3. Do you own another blog?

I have tried other blog sites in the past, but have been dissatisfied with various aspects of them. My home is here on WordPress.

4. What do you do online when you are not on your blog?

We are not connected to the power grid. My daily computer usage is governed by the output of our small solar powered electricity system. It varies between zero hours in the middle of the wet season when the sun does not shine for weeks on end, and 2 hours per day in the dry season.

Blogging occupies 80% of this time, 18% is for research, 1% for email, and 1% looking at pictures of pretty girls.
Holy Cow! Did you see that? My nose just sprouted an extra half inch.
I’ll be damned.  Alright, truth be told it’s actually  80:17:1:2.
Dammit! Again! For crying out loud, does anyone know the address of a good rhinoplasty surgeon?

What a stupid question. Knew I should never have started this dumb survey.

5. How about when you are not on the computer?

I mooch around in my bromeliad plant nursery to earn a living, musically mutilate old romantic standards and Elton John classics on the piano and go for bicycle rides and long walks in the surrounding National Park rainforest.
Vast amounts of my time are spent dreaming up bullshit  fanciful blog stories and then writing and rewriting them in longhand. These hours could probably be better spent on more potentially lucrative activities such as learning how to pick locks or studying to become a brain surgeon for the rich and famous.

6. What do you wish people who read your blog knew about you?

(a)  Self-deprecation comes easily to many Australians, as does droll tongue-in-cheek storytelling.

(b) The outgoing blithering fictional character of GOF as portrayed in many of my stories shares very few similarities to my real-life persona. I simply enjoy creating tales about someone who lives his life unrestrained by the social expectations of Australian society.

(c) I am not really a Grumpy Old Fart. Well not very often.
Mostly I’m a happy contented soul, but aided by a contrary gift of nature and my own deliberate fabrication I present to the world a rather dour and grumpy facade.  This works well for me….. people tend not to give me any face to face crap.

8. What is your philosophy on your blog layout?

Simplicity and ease of navigation. I need to enjoy the look of it and immediately be able to see if someone has left a comment because I like to courteously respond to comments as quickly as possible.

9. Tell me about the picture you use to represent you on your blog.

To begin with I was hesitant about using a real-life photograph because of privacy issues, but as I’ve got nothing to hide and few valuables worth stealing it doesn’t bother me any more.
I am beginning however to feel nauseous when I see multiple images of myself in the sidebar “comment” space, so a change is probably imminent.

10. Pick three random blogs from your blogroll and tell us about them.

You have to be joking. GOF resorting to favouritism? I can’t afford any more dissatisfied blogroll customers thank you very much, but it would be remiss of me not to single out one special blogger.

Snowy  was the very first commenter on my blog some years ago, and he graciously gave me a blogging leg-up with a promotion on his very popular Vox blog.
Snowy set the bar extremely high when it came to professionalism and blog content. (apart from that one lapse of concentration)
He also gave me an encouraging kick in the arse whenever I felt like giving up and I will always respect his seniority and wisdom and enjoy his online friendship.

12. What do you consider the 10 most “telling” interests we would infer from your blog persona.

1. Environment. 2. Humanity. 3. History. 4. Papua New Guinea.
5. An aversion to avaricious people including doctors and lawyers.
6. Aeroplanes and flight simulation. 7. Irreverent and satirical humour. 8. Cricket…the game, and Music…. the International language.
Finally, as I am no longer able to ignore the extraordinary weight of statistical evidence on this blog;
9. and 10.; Elle MacPherson, boobs and attractive women.

Oops that’s eleven…..I’ll keep the boobs on hold.

15. What’s your current obsession. What about it captures your imagination.

I try not to subscribe to any obsession. The word implies inadequate attention is probably being given to some other life matters.

I am however immensely thankful for more than six decades of good health and passionate about doing everything I can to maintain it.
The possibility of having a high level of physical and mental competence well into old age captures my imagination.

The human machine constantly amazes me with it’s resilience and durability. The body which was allocated to me in the genetic lottery of life is now understandably somewhat worse for wear.  It has walked thousands of miles over inhospitable terrain in Papua New Guinea, hauled hundreds of tonnes of root vegetables out of boggy Australian soil and built a home, a farm and a plant nursery where previously there was just uninhabited land.

I remain hopeful that our working partnership might, with sensible management and a hefty dose of good luck, continue for a few more years. If fate denies me this blessing I will spill one thousand bilgebuckets full of putrid Grumpy Old Fartedness upon the world.

17. How many blog friends have you met face to face?

None. I fear that it would be a great disappointment for them, considering my reclusive nature and lack of social grace and loquacity when meeting people for the first time.

18. What don’t you talk about on your blog.

I rarely write about politics because I have no loyalties to one side or the other and so long as I live in one of the most democratic countries on earth there are more pressing topics for me to write about.
I’ll make my political statements at the ballot box.

Neither am I interested in writing about actual violence of any kind, whether it be domestic, pugilistic, cinematic or warfare.  I find it all repulsive and depressing and it disappoints me enormously that the human species still has not evolved sufficiently to resolve disputes by intelligent reasoning and negotiation.

So there you have it.  Job done.  Hallelujah.

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I wish you a happy and safe Christmas, and a peaceful 2012 filled with good health and contentment.  

Bouncing tits

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Judgeth me not that mine tits are small, and blue, and accordingly liveth not up to thine expectations, but verily I say unto thee that neither size nor colour are important.

I have a serious question.  (No, really….I do.)

Those who noted that it took me 3 weeks to eventually work out just how to configure the simple title “GOF” as your main source of annoyance on WordPress, will not need further convincing of my abysmal understanding of computers and this internetski thing.

Is it just my imagination that search engines have more difficulty picking up posts made here at WordPress than they did on Vox?

At Vox, geographic references and specific phrases from my stories were recognised by Google within a couple of hours of posting, and that does not seem to be happening here where identical stories have resided for 7 months now.

I ticked the box at WP to have my blog readable by search engines because of the historical New Guinea content contained within it.

During the last 7 months there have only been a small handful of referrals from search engines.

Four were in response to the search term
“stunning women with no clothes” who were directed here.
A further three were in Russian, a language with which, alas, I am unfamiliar, (apart from internetski and Tatiana Grigorieva) but whose search probably translated into; “stunning women with no clothes”.

I think I can understand how difficult it would be for a search engine to locate one piece of information on the Internetski.

It would be like me rummaging through all the shredded-paper dumpsters at the United Nations trying to find a single piece of evidence to suggest that the UN was NOT a morbidly obese administrative monstrosity which had gotten to be that way by feeding solely off it’s own bureaucratic excrement.

One theory I am considering is that Google itself is now a teenager, and it’s Google-eyes might be preoccupied looking for puerile adolescent content relating to bodily functions, rather than actually indexing the literary genius that all my blog neighbors produce here at WordPress.

In other words, Google is presently nothing more than a very naughty juvenile search engine.

To prove my point, The Bucket proudly launches;

.o0O    The  BOUNCING TITS  project.    O0o.

How long will search engines need to crawl all over my
BOUNCING  TITS before they show them to the public?

How long will it take Google to nail down my BOUNCING TITS?

I fully understand that my BOUNCING TITS might attract an undesireable multitude of dirty old reprobates from fifty different countries who will pollute my blog of purity.

And ten thousand devious but hopeful old Dolly Parton fans.

And 100,000 nine year old boys who, after viewing my offering, will go back to school the next day wondering what the hell all their classmates were getting excited about.

I am standing by, waiting for the first desperate pervert welcome visitor to arrive via a BOUNCING TITS search.

As a reward he will be annointed from my special crystal decanter of  Eau de Bilge.

Final results of this  BOUNCING TITS experiment will be published at the end of October.

That should give me just enough time to apply for the next
Nobel Prize for outstanding Scientific research.

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.

P.S. Don’t even try it.

Any comment received below which attempts to re-use my phrase “dirty old reprobate” in a manner detrimental to the good reputation of  The Bucket or any specific member of it’s staff will be viewed quite unfavorably.

Edit 90 minutes after posting;  Google discovered this within 60 minutes of posting, which I find quite an extraordinary achievement.  Bing did not.

The end.

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The Bucket (at least for the moment) is full.  

This is the lid.

My blog contains 290 stories written over a period of 2 years.

It is my autobiography, diluted with a lot of nonsense and dogmatic drivel.

To continue would be an exercise in self-indulgent twaddle and repetition.

So I thank you.  A really heartfelt thank you to everyone who has ever read this blog, especially those who encouraged me and took the time to leave comments.

Thank you also to my old New Guinea friends, especially those in Korbau and Mindom villages who inspired so many of my stories by showing me that much common sense has been lost by Western society which now mistakenly believes that the "good things in life" involve material possessions.

If you need me I'll be in the shed at the bottom of the garden resuming my reclusive pre-blogging life.

All that remains for me to do is officially hand over the entire contents of this blog to Inga, who, after I have shuffled off the coil, will  never have grounds for wondering what her Father's opinion might have been regarding every subject known to mankind.

I could not conclude this blog without once again publishing Desiderata.  If all the lengthy ambiguous scriptures of every religion on earth could be replaced by this single page of philosophy our world would be a much better place.

Thank you for your company on this journey.

Take care of yourself……..and each other.

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Desiderata


Go placidly amid the noise and the haste,
and remember what peace there may be in silence.

As far as possible, without surrender,
be on good terms with all persons.
Speak your truth quietly and clearly;
and listen to others,
even to the dull and the ignorant;
they too have their story.
Avoid loud and aggressive persons;
they are vexatious to the spirit.

If you compare yourself with others,
you may become vain or bitter,
for always there will be greater and lesser persons than yourself.
Enjoy your achievements as well as your plans.
Keep interested in your own career, however humble;
it is a real possession in the changing fortunes of time.

Exercise caution in your business affairs,
for the world is full of trickery.
But let this not blind you to what virtue there is;
many persons strive for high ideals,
and everywhere life is full of heroism.
Be yourself. Especially do not feign affection.
Neither be cynical about love,
for in the face of all aridity and disenchantment,
it is as perennial as the grass.

Take kindly the counsel of the years,
gracefully surrendering the things of youth.
Nurture strength of spirit to shield you in sudden misfortune.
But do not distress yourself with dark imaginings.
Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness.

Beyond a wholesome discipline,
be gentle with yourself.
You are a child of the universe
no less than the trees and the stars;
you have a right to be here.
And whether or not it is clear to you,
no doubt the universe is unfolding as it should.

Therefore be at peace with God,
whatever you conceive Him to be.
And whatever your labors and aspirations,
in the noisy confusion of life,
keep peace in your soul.

With all its sham, drudgery, and broken dreams,
it is still a beautiful world.
Be cheerful. Strive to be happy.
 

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