My dear Mum, bless her soul, was a God-fearing christian.
I cannot recall one single instance where an expletive or naughty word was uttered by either her, or my Dad.
I would be proud to say the same applied to me, but should I attempt to do so, I know Globet would immediately be into the commentarios section of my blog to provide 2 gigabytes of evidence to the contrary.
The closest Mum ever came to swearing was when some household appliance or piece of machinery broke down she would let us know that it had "gone fut".
As a child I was actively discouraged from expanding my innuendo and dirty word vocabulary by an escorted trip to the concrete laundry trough for a "washing your mouth out with Sunlight soap" experience.
The most memorable of these journeys followed shortly after I returned home from a day of Grade 2 playground education and proudly began regaling Mum with my rendition of the post-war ditty;
"Hitler, had only one brass ball.
Himler had two, but they were small,"
then, just as my tonsils were warming up nicely, and about to produce the vocal performance of my life, I was hauled out by the earlugs for oral laundering.
Now, what brought this discussion on?
Australia is presently converting its analogue television system to digital. This required me to purchase a "set top box" to enable my 20 year old steam powered TV to understand the new language.
Pay $100. Bring it home. Open package.
All the components had obviously been previously remodelled in a fit of pique by some other old fart, who had then returned the whole lot to the shop.
I exchanged his rubble for a brand new plastic-wrapped-to-ensure-virginity-and- freedom-from-old-fart-vandalism model.
Two weeks later and I desperately want to locate my fellow senior sufferer to start a support group. We need counselling.
Nothing works except the on/off button, and when I turn it off it immediately switches itself back on again as though it wishes to challenge my authority in this house.
Bring it on, little digital gadget. GOF has sledge hammer. Let's just see who is gonna be the dominant silverback in this domain.
In my world OFF means OFF you little electronic bastard.
Now I am quite happy to accept the remote possibility that it might be me who is the "gone fut" factor in the equation by connecting everything incorrectly. I will therefore accept my responsibility in this whole depressing episode, and not be bothered returning this one to the store.
And, deep in my heart, I know that this is only the top of the "gone fut" iceberg.
The entire universe is expanding at an ever increasing rate until eventually, in around 100 billion years it will collapse.
All matter will decay, leaving cold, dark lifeless space.
The whole freaking cosmos folks has "gone fut".
So who needs some stoopid digital television anyway.