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It’s all gone fut

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My dear Mum, bless her soul, was a God-fearing christian.
I cannot recall one single instance where an expletive or naughty word was uttered by either her, or my Dad.
I would be proud to say the same applied to me, but should I attempt to do so, I know Globet would immediately be into the commentarios section of my blog to provide 2 gigabytes of evidence to the contrary.

The closest Mum ever came to swearing was when some household appliance or piece of machinery broke down she would let us know that it had "gone fut".

As a child I was actively discouraged from expanding my innuendo and dirty word vocabulary by an escorted trip to the concrete laundry trough for a "washing your mouth out with Sunlight soap" experience.
The most memorable of these journeys followed shortly after I returned home from a day of Grade 2 playground education and proudly began regaling Mum with my rendition of the post-war ditty;

"Hitler, had only one brass ball.
 Himler had two, but they were small,"
then, just as my tonsils were warming up nicely, and about to produce the vocal performance of my life, I was hauled out by the earlugs for oral laundering.

Now, what brought this discussion on?

Australia is presently converting its analogue television system to digital.  This required me to purchase a "set top box" to enable my 20 year old steam powered TV to understand the new language.

Pay $100.  Bring it home.  Open package.
All the components had obviously been previously remodelled in a fit of pique by some other old fart, who had then returned the whole lot to the shop.
I exchanged his rubble for a brand new plastic-wrapped-to-ensure-virginity-and- freedom-from-old-fart-vandalism model.

Two weeks later and I desperately want to locate my fellow senior sufferer to start a support group. We need counselling.
Nothing works except the on/off button, and when I turn it off it immediately switches itself back on again as though it wishes to challenge my authority in this house.
Bring it on, little digital gadget.  GOF has sledge hammer. Let's just see who is gonna be the dominant silverback in this domain.
In my world OFF means OFF you little electronic bastard.
Now I am quite happy to accept the remote possibility that it might be me who is the "gone fut" factor in the equation by connecting everything incorrectly.  I will therefore accept my responsibility in this whole depressing episode, and not be bothered returning this one to the store.

And, deep in my heart, I know that this is only the top of the "gone fut" iceberg.

The entire universe is expanding at an ever increasing rate until eventually, in around 100 billion years it will collapse.
All matter will decay, leaving cold, dark lifeless space.

The whole freaking cosmos folks has "gone fut".

So who needs some stoopid digital television anyway.

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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

18 responses »

  1. hauled out by the earlugs for oral launderingNow if that isn't classic GOF, I don't know what is. I was in stitches reading this one, and – per chance – is this electronic gadget named Phillips? If so, I have it's Pom twin resting beneath my tv in the conservatory. However I would prefer it was resting beneath the conservatory but what with ground radar I'm concerned I would be found and strait-jacketed.**Note: This may still actually happen…

  2. No wonder your mother hauled you out by the earlugs for oral laundering, you couldn't even get the words right, GOF! Rommel had two, but very small, Himmler had something similar, but dear old Goebells had no balls at all. Cheesh, some kids really had a wasted childhood. No wonder you can't connect a very simple electronic device…

  3. Thanks PG. It was not a Phillips, but some Chinese masterpiece called Digilink.These things do need a proper burial ground. Beneath the conservatory is good.The intake pipe for my irrigation pump on the dam always needs extra ballast to hold it under water, and has in the past given me great happiness to attach all manner of useless things as their final resting place.Archaeologists in 1000 years time will have an explanation for it when they dig it up.

  4. Well I must defer to your superior knowledge of the genitalia of wartime Germans Snowy. Its not my fault. Never is. It was all those little brats in Grade 3 wot edicatid me rong. Thank you for correcting my childhood deficiencies. Mum didn't.And I am thinking it might have been you who had first go at the gadget I had to return 😉

  5. Well I must defer to your superior knowledge of the genitalia of wartime Germans Snowy.That's OK, GOF, you can get up off your knees now. Yes, I do have to admit to getting a very good education at the little bush school I went to. Outside the classroom, that is. I don't think any of the city bred school teachers ever did recover from the shock of their first encounter with bush kids. And no, it definitely wasn't me who had first go at the gadget. If it had been, the salesman would have been wearing it in a most uncomfortable place…

  6. Sometimes our parents just don't know any better. Sad.:)

  7. The Duchess' bf said (in utter frustration at being forced out of the company where she had worked over 40 years): H E lop lop! She didn't quite know how to swear. Spell, yes, but she Hell wasn't used as a place where they should go or "Hell, I'm sick of this." She just sort of furiously whispered it.I gave up on the MFer. It's disassembled and on a closet shelf.

  8. So … the "digital transition" is a world-wide thing? I thought it was just another hair-brained idea brought about by our esteemed politicos in the US. I got the boxes to work – sort of. The problem here, though, is this HUGE metal water tower less than two blocks south of my house that caused all sorts of interference, what with signalk bouncing around all willy-nilly. I caved in, and got satellite TV. I then took the boxes to work and hooked them up to the two antique televisions there where they miraculously work just fine … as long as the wind isn't blowing. Oh, should I mention now that I live in Oklahoma … where the wind ALWAYS blows!!!!!In the good old days … just a few months ago … bad weather could pop up and the electricity would go off, and I could pull out my reliable battery-operated TV as a way to make sure I wasn't about to get blown away by a tornado. Now … I just have to wait to see if the roof of the house starts removing itself from the rest of the structure and then kiss my ass good-bye (with apologies to your mum).Just another case of government working for the greater good … of CORPORATIONS rather than citizens …

  9. You're not alone pal, the UK is being forced into it too. I'm fully digitalled up. Sky in the living room, video sender to the bedroom. Digital set top box beneath the telly in the conservatory that thinks it owns me, but like GOF, I have a large heavy implement with which I can do much damage to said STB.My own personal Grumpy Old Father is up in arms about it – half his AV stuff isn't going to work without modification, or extras, and that's not good for me because I will be expected to fix it. That's fine, it's one of the many things I am good at. One day I will post a pic on here of the cable monster that lurks behind my AV setup…

  10. Clearly this is a job for Goblet (or possibly someone younger.)I do hope you kept the remote. It's part of a world wide campaign to smother us "more experienced" chaps with unfathomable choices. They try to tell me it's Alzheimers but I think it's just option overload. Supporting evidence: I think I have to press 3 buttons on 3 different remotes to turn on the lounge room TV. (I think)

  11. I agree, everything is gone fut.(great, your mum, love her)

  12. I actually did take the thing back to the shop yesterday, and well, to cut a long story short…Gof wins! the unit was faulty (including the on/off switch) and they replaced it with a different brand. I'll see if the complexity of hooking up 3 wires defeats me sometime today.

  13. So many stories about my parents only now am I thinking of them….and unfortunately it is too late for me to find out more. A lesson for everyone….talk, talk, talk to them before it is too late.

  14. Thanks GOM….it makes me feel better that other people are having problems too…..if new digital TV's weren't so expensive (like A$800 for a small one) I would have bought one and avoided the whole set top box business…..another consideration for me is that is consumes an additional 12 watts of power which will effectively reduce Mrs GOF's Bold and Beautiful viewing time……I'll have to suggest that she should turn the TV off 5 minutes before that program finishes because of the extra drain on the solar batteries 😉

  15. Globet actually came home last weekend totally unexpected to surprise us on her birthday……fixing this was also beyond her capabilities (ref my reply to Snowy….it wasn't our fault at all…..both the units they supplied were faulty… I'll have a go an another one.Understand your point about remotes…..they decorate our house as memorials for deceased technology.

  16. Thanks Mrs P. If Sarita is anything like me, she will remember the incident and be very, very careful about saying anything bad to her Mum in the future.I have had some small differences of opinions with my closest neighbours here in the past over corporal punishment. Perhaps the "soap treatment" could be put into that category, and all I can say is that for me, it, along with the occasional cautionary smack on the arse reminded me when I had deviated beyond acceptable behaviour after having first been given verbal warnings and failed to take notice.

  17. I think our systems swapped over on Friday. I expected to come home and find a screen of snow but I was pleasantly surprised to find our system had not gone fut.My mother's worst swear word when I was growing up was "bally". Once we were all teenagers she graduated to "bloody". (I was reminded of her use of bally a couple of years ago when I heard someone say "bally sodomites". It cracked me up as I wondered if she was silently saying that phrase in her head as she uttered the bally!)

  18. I like "bally sodomites" …..we need to work on that one ;-)Also I often wonder just what sort of vocabulary was in Mum's head but was never allowed out to see the light of day.


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