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Scriptural enlightenment. (about humility)

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And the angels on high looked down upon the arena of the thirtieth Olympiad and lo, they saw Usain Bolt become the first man ever to successfully defend the athletic sprint double gold, and they were glad and excited and flushed of face and all over, and they asked the Lord  “Lord did you see that?”  

The Lord then reminded the angels of the meaning of the word ‘omnipresent’ and rebuked them for being tempted with sins of the flesh. He then looked down upon the multitude thronging in exaltation of the self appointed Legend Of The Track and He was mightily displeased.

So the Lord spake directly unto Bolt, admonishing him for the displays of vanity and prophesying that “if you point that infernal pretend bow and arrow in my direction just one more time, your gonads will verily shrivel up like plums into prunes then drop off and be as feed to the hungry chickens and your muscles will shrink and you shall thereafter forever be known as Erkel.”

Amen.

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Erkel

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Message from the Deaconess;   Shortly after delivering this reading Reverend GOF publicly dropped his vestments and ran stark naked out of the cathedral covering his private parts with the ‘comments’ box and the ‘like’ button.

Oh well…..babies out with the bathwater.

Maybe he’ll return the box and the button one day.

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Full Colour Aussie Olympics Supplement

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Full colour

The Bucket is proud to present your only reliable guide to Australia’s sporting performance at the midway point of the London 2012 Olympic Games.

A.  Actual medal-winning achievements relative to predictions made prior to the games;

Three-eighths of bugger-all.

B.  Why;

Well let me sum up the problem in just five words;

T O O    M U C H   B O N K I N G   G O I N G   O N.

At the 2000 Olympics in Sydney, 90,000 condoms were handed out to the 10,000 athletes who were domiciled in the Olympic village.  Four years later in Athens 130,000 were distributed.

In 2008 the numbers were written in Chinese so I can’t decipher them.

One can only assume that in London 2012, a city still steaming in erotic memories of Margaret Thatcher, the pro-rata use of physical contraception barriers has further increased.

Before we descend into discussing the sordid topic of s. e. x.  (there are kiddies reading this….including mine)  we firstly need to discount the possibility that the athletes are just going to innocently inflate all these prophylactics with helium and set them loose like colourful snub-nosed peace doves during the closing ceremony.

Let’s conservatively assume, based on previous statistics, that athletes are issued with nine condoms each. If they are bonking each other and not outsiders, that will equal 18 acts of protected sex per athlete during the two weeks of the Games.
(see, I’ve given this a lot of thought and due diligence)
On top of that there’s all the unprotected sex and disgusting hanky-panky groping foreplay filth and wickedness which is probably also occurring in this Olympic stadium of iniquity.

No wonder Australian athletes are performing so miserably at the London Games right now. They’re all too busy excelling at other things.

C.  What to do about it.

As our nation’s sporting reputation is completely stuffed for these games we should just bring ’em all back home immediately, compensate them with a free pie and sauce and a tube of Goanna Oil Liniment at Sydney airport, then concentrate on the next Olympics instead.

All we’ll need then is some sporting and management genius like me to accompany the team, and enough green and gold chastity belts for all the athletes, male and female, to wear for the duration.

I’ll be in charge of the keys.

So America, China and England, don’t even bother turning up to Rio de Janiero in 2016. It won’t be worth the embarrassment.

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P.S.  Oh, and did you ever wonder what the 5  circular symbols on the Olympic logo denote?

Well now you know.

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Prophylactic Games

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Sometimes life is made more complete by stumbling across information, which in hindsight makes you wonder how you previously lived life without the knowledge.

A modest example if I may.

During the 2000 Olympic Games in Sydney, a total of 90,000 condoms were distributed to the 10,000 athletes in the Olympic village.
Obviously identifying this as some sort of dubious record to be broken, Athens managed to hand out 130,000 in 2004.

Now I am a little perplexed.  Were there a whole lot of olympic athletic events being shown on television late at night after Mrs GOF had safely tucked me into bed?    I am going to keep a close eye on it this year.

Has the inspirational Olympic motto of Faster-Higher-Stronger been modified to include "Relentless"?

I want the Olympics permanently moved to the Vatican City to eliminate all this sin and iniquity.

And I always did wonder what that Olympic logo was all about.  Now my life is complete.

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