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The REAL cause of rising ocean levels

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Environmental Engineers by Appointment.

United nations.
3 United Nations Plaza.
NEW YORK    10017

Dear Sir,

Thank you for awarding our company the consultancy to investigate the real causes of rising ocean levels. We also acknowledge and appreciate the $1,000,000 advance which enabled our distinguished Partner, the environmentally oracular Mr GOF, to travel the world collecting data.  

Before presenting our recommendations I must firstly pay tribute to Mr GOF for his conscientiousness in spending unpaid extra time on the waterfront at Rio De Janeiro during Carnivale in February, observing, measuring, and taking thousands of photographs.  

It is however regretted that one of your Portugese negotiators was required to travel urgently from Geneva in order to defuse the international misunderstanding which he caused, and to bail him out of police custody.  
In view of the attached comprehensive report we are prepared to take no further action regarding Mr GOF’s single ill-conceived moment of social exuberance.  He has been issued with an official reprimand.


We have great pleasure in advising the General Assembly that rising ocean levels cannot be significantly attributed to any of the following;

A.  Global Warming resultant from increased CO2 emissions.
B.  Displacement caused by lost fishing sinkers.
C.  Burials at sea.

Eighty seven percent of the annual rate of increase in ocean levels is caused by MAMMALS, especially HUMANS and WHALES.

The biospheric physics is relatively simple.

Average ocean temperature = 17 degrees Celsius.
Average human and whale body temperature = 36 degrees Celsius.
Heat from any object is transferred 27 times faster to sea water than it’s dissipation rate into International Standard Atmosphere.

i.e. Too many humans and whales in the sea = increased ocean temperature = warming of atmosphere and melting of polar ice caps = higher sea level.

Additionally Archimedes Theorum comes into play. Bodies of humans and whales immersed in the sea displace equal volumes of water.

At any given moment there is an average of  23,631,203 humans swimming, skinny dipping, diving, frolicking or wading in the ocean, and 11,000,003 whales doing all of the above except wading, the displacement water from which has only one way to go.
i.e. UP = rising ocean levels.


1. Ban and forcibly remove all humans from the sea.
Since we are now evolved with bipedal competence, there is no excuse for revisiting the primordial brine, slime and froth from which we emerged.  

2. Encourage the Japanese to catch more whales.
After all, they only ‘do it for research’, and ‘research’ must surely be a very good thing.

3. The remaining whales which are surplus to Japan’s immediate research requirements should immediately be fitted with ‘rubber duckies’ as a temporary measure to float them ON TOP of the ocean. This action alone will see a reduction in the global ocean level of 7 inches, and make these giant environmental hoodlums easier to spot and harpoon when the Japanese whalers mount their next research expedition.

Thank you for awarding our company the honour of serving the world. Please find enclosed invoice for $2,500,000 being the balance owing.

Yours Faithfully,

Vladimir J. Smirnoff

c.c.   Greenpeace.
Save the Whales.
Yakuza Fish Factory.
Benny Hinn Ministries.
Brazil Naturist Society. (for urgent attn. Paula)
President, Federated States of Micronesia.
(together with an aid gift of 20,000 flippers and snorkels.)


P.S. …. SMIRNOFF, FULCRUM and GOF apparently have a vacancy for a competent accountant.

Straight from the camel’s mouth

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Mr. Habib

It is hard to imagine what the world would be like without
The Bucket doing it’s job as a tenacious watchdog and counterbalance for biased and questionable scientific research.

study commissioned by the Nature Conservancy and Pew Environmental group  found that if all feral animals, including camels, were culled from Australia’s sparsely populated interior, an additional 1.3 billion tonnes of carbon could be stored in the natural revegetation by the year 2050.

“When feral animals belch, they release methane, a particularly noxious greenhouse gas, and every single camel releases the equivalent of around one tonne of CO2 each year.”

The Bucket recently received the following correspondence from a Mr. Habib Afghan-Camel, from Alice Springs.

“Dear Mr Bucket,

I have been humouring humans for nigh on ten years now, humping rich tourists along the dry and sandy Todd River bed in exchange for food and shelter from my servant wrangler.

As spokescamel for the Dromedary Action Group (DAG) I wish to challenge the Nature Conservancy report which is highly discriminatory against my species on the following two grounds.

1. The fecundity and population density of camels is regulated by the environmental provisions of Mother Nature.

This inviolable rule of natural balance has, to date, not been accepted by you humans who consider yourselves to have immunity, despite all the warning signs that ignoring it will ultimately have catastrophic consequences.

You continue to procreate like rabbits after a rutting competition.

Of greatest concern to the DAG is Australia’s persistence in paying out a $5185  Bonking Encouragement Allowance, payable by the Government nine months after the event, upon presentation of suitable evidence that the bonk did actually take place.

We view the camel eradication program as being nothing more than “species cleansing”, to create extra space for the additional 20 million humans (and their automobiles) to occupy by the year 2050.

2. The quoted figures of camel-gas emissions are both erroneous and fanciful.  The Report refers to emissions from “every single camel”.

Did they measure output from ALL members of the DAG?
No, of course they didn’t.
It is poor science and statistical ineptitude to make general conclusions after studying only small samples of individuals.

Please let me provide an example of wide natural variations within your own human population.

Last Monday, regular tourist Mr Dilbert Gross-Beergut, a businessman from Sydney spent half an hour perched on my back after consuming a breakfast of baked beans washed down with a litre of coca-cola.

I estimate that during that time he belched two cubic metres of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, and twice that amount of pungent and probably highly flammable gas from a lower orifice which caused my skin to blister and scald quite badly.

A square foot of hairs on my hump subsequently fell out of their follicles on Tuesday, and my wife, Harbette, who was following closely behind now has acute ventricular flatulitis.

Why not cull Mr. Gross-Beergut also, on the evidence of HIS excessive emissions, if you are so concerned with the welfare of the planet?

In contrast, my passenger on Wednesday, a total stanger by the name of Mr GOF, was a genteel man of distinguished good grace, who has never been known to habitually pollute the environment in either of these unsavoury or unsustainable ways.

I herewith rest my case.

In the vast black universe of increasingly myopic human research, the Dromedary Action Group continues to rely upon The Bucket to provide a single twinkle of realistic sanity.

Yours Faithfully,

Mr. Habib Afghan-Camel

Fruitbats and coco-nutters

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When, as a young man, I gained a very modest tertiary qualification, I went out into the world as a know-it-all, pain-in-the-arse little bastard.

Now those of you who occasionally stick your head into The Bucket  for a read might perhaps reasonably suggest that nothing much has changed, but I would beg to differ because I used to be much worse.

What has changed in the subsequent 40 years, is that I now understand that the lecturer's opinions, and the black and white texts I assiduously studied in my narrow field of interest, often bore only a minor and very tenuous connection to the kaleidoscopic colour of reality in the broader world.

I also learned somewhere along the way to be intensely self-critical, to understand how little I really knew, and that the sands of knowledge and "absolute certainty" were forever shifting.

My paper qualification was merely the key to the car of discovery,
and not a certificate automatically entitling me to provide advanced driving tuition to others.

Some environmental campaigners have yet to understand this.

Recently in Queensland three people were bitten by fruit bats from one colony which was subsequently proven to be carrying the potentially deadly-to-humans Australian Bat Lyssavirus.

A self-appointed spokesperson for the bats warned against proposals to remove the offending colony with an unconvincing assertion to the effect that;   "If you make them mad, they will give off more viruses",
as though we were to imagine them as skunks or octopuses with an inclination to secrete defence clouds, but in this case laden with infectious viral material.
In effect he was suggesting that we should be held to ransom, and our movement restricted, by a single colony of flying foxes.

Fruit bats in Queensland are often present in plague proportions.
It would not be thus without the farmers who, in the first place,  planted all the fruit orchards upon which the animals now feed.  
I will rarely endorse interfering unnecessarily with any of our native animals, but in this specific case, where our health is placed at risk, and their survival as a species is not threatened, we are entitled to run the agenda, not the bats or their spokespersons.

Some years ago a fresh faced environmentalist seriously suggested that the thousands of coconut trees lining the beaches of Australia's tropical north should be removed, on the grounds that the species was "not endemic" to the continent.

Ignoring, apparently, any consideration that the coconut tree is one of the most useful-to-human plants on earth.

Coconut seeds could conceivably have floated across the oceans and germinated in our sand hundreds or thousands of years ago.

How far would he have liked to wind back the clock of evolution?

For the greatest chance of finding environmental truth and common sense I will go no further than being advised by those like Sir David Attenborough who have the appropriate combination of education, wisdom and life experience, and the ability to see both the forest and the trees.

P. S. There may well be more to the flying fox story than that which was published. Fruit bats do not normally flap around attacking random humans unless, I suppose, they (the bats) are totally blind, short-sonared and therefore mistake a tall skinny man in a yellow raincoat for a very large banana.)

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Bufo is not amused

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When he was young he used to smile.
Not any more.     
With good reason.
He is hated, despised and discriminated against.
Yet he is the innocent victim of a single act of stupidity.

One hundred of his ancestors were toad-napped and forcibly relocated from their native South America, via Hawaii, to Australia in 1935 by humans.
Highly educated humans who had delusions of their ability to manipulate nature.

Bufo was set to work in a sugar cane plantation at Gordonvale, North Queensland, to eat two species of the cane beetle pest.
He discovered lots of wonderful things to eat in and around the cane paddock, but by dint of personal preference, or maybe toad religious doctrine, cane beetles unfortunately rarely passed his lips.

Other natural wildlife tasted so good on Bufo's palate, that all the rellies now occupy 5% of Australia's landmass in a rapidly expanding search for delicious new dietary ingredients.

Bufo of course is not the first animal to display this sort of adventurous behaviour.

Another species, from origins many thousands of years ago in the heart of Africa, managed to spread across and overpopulate much of planet Earth, destroying entire ecosystems as it went.

Bufo's sad expression merely reflects the gross inequity of his species being so unfairly maligned, hated, and a target for destruction.

He also has serious misgivings about human ability to conduct sustainable and sensible ecological planning and practice.

That makes two of us.

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Tribalism; Friend or foe?

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Some of the more serious issues facing humans today are global warming, pollution, diminishing pure water and arable land resources, the growing gap between rich and poor, and racial, religious and ethnic intolerance.

They are each symptoms of human failure to responsibly recognise that we are all co-tenants on this little blue orb, which is itself but a miniscule speck in a universe which will not give a damn if we choose to cause our own extinction.

Our survival will not be ensured until every individual person and nation recognises this bigger picture and acts responsibly and compassionately towards other people and the common environment which we share.

Why is there such a necessity to align ourselves so ferociously with either one or another idealogical side in many fields of human activity?
Perhaps we retain a biological survival technique from past eras when it was necessary to show loyalty to a specific tribe which would unite against all external threats to its existence.

Problem now folks is that the "tribe" which needs protection is that of humanity itself.  The threat to its existence is not from without, but indeed from the extraordinarily narrow-minded and selfish practices of humans themselves.
We are no longer the little tribes of USA or Australia, Asians, Caucasions, Africans, Christians, Moslems or Hindus, Democrats or Republicans. Its a global world. A global economy.
Our life is not a game of superiority or oneupmanship against another.  We're all in this together.  We are a single tribe of humanity.
Until this fact is accepted we will continue to witness the petty politicking going on in the world which fails to address the big picture.
Logical thought processes are abandoned as the political fervour rolls relentlessly onwards. God is invoked like a celebrity giving endorsement to Party or National superiority.

It saddens me ( and presumably God) to see little children parading publicly with raging hateful placards, or slogans on their tiny tee shirts.  It is their generation which will be required to unite the world, and instead they are being taught to perpetuate hate and division.
It is no great surprise that as adults many choose to have blind unthinking allegiance to a single political party, and a dangerous excess of pride about the country in which, only through genetic good fortune, they were born.  Our challenge, essential to survival, is to rise above all the spite, divisiveness, and notions of superiority.

The human tribe is in danger.

We can contribute on a personal level to its survival by the way we treat others on a daily basis.  Respect and help those less well off. But by the grace of circumstance we might well be walking in their shoes.
On a larger scale we must act, through the democratic processes available to us.
It has been my experience that political parties resemble individual human beings.  A complex mix of characteristics, the balance of which changes over time to reflect environment, society and the desire for popularity and acceptance.  I therefore find it an equally dubious proposition to align myself permanently to any one political party as I would to the mind of any other human being.

Each election requires me to conduct thoughtful analysis of the candidate's past behaviour, and likely future performance.  It is more important to me that my Government sees beyond the political expediency of putting extra cash in my pocket.  It needs to have a global perspective and a vision for the future of every child in my world.  And I do not want "my" children to grow up into a world which thinks it is both necessary and acceptable for everyone to own a gun.  And no, God will not bless or save any country, nor the demise of our species if our collective stupidity leads us down that path. 

If I decide to "waste" my vote on the Greens, or some other marginal political party, at least I have thoughtfully honored my democratic right as a citizen of the planet.
And, who knows, if a sufficient number of people choose to live their lives and vote with some sort of Universal awareness, we may one day have a Global Unity Party. 
Not in my lifetime, but I live in hope for tomorrow.


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