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Monthly Archives: October 2011

A distracted history of mop-chopping

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Humans, it would seem, have always had a strange propensity to mess around with perfectly good and functional parts of their anatomy regardless of any apparent pointlessness or consequences of doing so.

Tattoos.

Piercings.

Victorian era women constricted their waistlines with corsets until their intestines were forced so far northwards that they caused acute tonsillar strangulitis.

Today toxic injections of the Botulism organism are used to
“pout-erise” lips, and surplus buttock lard is excavated and harvested to be used as backfill for natural laugh lines on faces.

Bald old men still persist in wearing expensive toupees which, even from a distance of fifty yards, resemble dead gerbils draped carelessly across the top of their heads.

This brings us to our history tutorial for today;

The History of Hairdressing

It is probably fortunate that luxuriant long hair only sprouts from the head, providing an unchallenged monopoly for hairdressers.
Had it been biologically otherwise, their dominance in the field might have been challenged by an assortment of other occupations such as African Underarm Hair Plaiters and Brazilian Shearers.

Be that as it may.  Some things don’t deserve further thought.

Ever since Eve discovered Garnier Hair Conditioner (new and improved formula containing aloe vera) on the top shelf  in  aisle 17  at her Garden of Eden supermarket, and Randy the caveman slicked back his locks with newly-slaughtered mammoth grease, women and men have been messing around with their hair primarily to attract the opposite sex.
(Note;  Or same sex. The Bucket is proudly an equal-opportunity publication.)

The first professional hairdressers were recorded in the 4th century AD, although there is much statuary evidence to suggest that hair decoration was also previously practised by the ancient Egyptians and Persians.

The pinnacle of hairdressing stupidity was reached in England and Europe in the 18th century during the reign of Louis XVI (1774-92).

French coiffeur-to-the-stars Marquis Marcel de Gaysnip overindulged in champagne during lunch at La Cafe Escargot then staggered back to his nearby salon and invented the “coiffure a la frigate”.
He piled Mrs DeGaulle’s hair ever upwards until it resembed a monstrous rat’s nest, then he anchored a model warship on the top using pins, combs and half a dozen six-inch intra-cranial galvanised self-tapping screws.

The design went out of fashion in 1796 following a successful legal class action prosecuted on behalf of the fifteen thousand and seventy six French men who had split their skulls open whilst making love to women adorned with sharp-prowed model warships.

Let’s face it, I am jealous of people who have hair.

In 1964,  just to be a really groovy little gof,  I adopted a Beatles style ‘mop-top’, but 47 years later there are only 17 very long strands of gray hair left which I use to brush-over the top of my scone to remind me of that youthful magnificence.

(Oh bugger it!….One more just dropped out while I was typing that last paragraph and now the bastard’s got itself entangled around my mouse-ball and the cursor’s jiggling all over my desktop like a rutting rabbit.  Please amuse yourself for a minute while I remove, clean, polish and  replace my ball……..maybe you’d like to hum a few bars of Stars and Stripes, God Save the Queen or Tchaikovsky’s Nutcracker Suite while you’re waiting.)

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I sincerely apologise for wasting your time like that. I know you’ve got more important things to do.

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This is probably a long shot, but I’m wondering if you might just have a recently deceased gerbil in your possession that you might like to donate to a worthy cause?

If it’s not too much trouble, I’d really love to have one which has executive-gray streaks down the sides which would both enhance my public persona and match the contrasting roof colour on my red Mercedes convertible.

A choice of excuses…..

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….for this blog having recently been in hibernation.
Please select whichever one takes your fancy.

One excuse;

Transcript of Parole Board proceedings Monday 24 October 2011.

Mr GOF, you are sitting before us today prior to being released after serving your four month custodial sentence for perjury.

You will recall that this situation was brought upon yourself during the damages trial instituted against a garment manufacturer by former Miss Australia and Miss Universe Jennifer Hawkins who had suffered an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction whilst wiggling her way down the catwalk.

Miss Hawkins had invited you to accompany her to this gala event in the dual capacities of Chief Bodyguard and Senior Backstage Lingerie Fitter.
As such, you were very close to the incident when it occurred.

Perhaps this photograph will jog your memory Mr GOF.

The presiding judge correctly refused to accept your testimony that
“I know nothing Your Honour.  As soon as it appeared to me that something was going awry I immediately averted my eyes and saw nothing.  You see I was raised as a Methodist Your Honour”  noting that it was the most blatant lie he had ever heard during his 40 year career.
“Let this sentence be a warning to other witnesses that perjury will not be tolerated in this court.”

You are also extremely fortunate that your sentence is not being increased today Mr GOF, considering the “Character Reference” that this Board received last week signed by no less than 29 members of an obscure group known as “Friends of The Bucket.”   All twenty nine signatures bear a remarkable resemblance to that of your own Mr GOF, and the Governor has since discovered a draft of the letter on the prison library computer.

We wish you well returning to a life of freedom Mr GOF and suggest that if ever in the future you happen to observe partially disrobed young women in public places you should immediately take cognizance of all the circumstances surrounding them just in case they might be required as evidence in a court of law.

Another excuse;

I have painstakingly spent four months working my way from one end of the shade house to the other replacing flood damaged weedmat (and gravel eroded from beneath it)  as well as restoring each potted bromeliad to it’s pre-cyclone Yasi condition.

Two photographs taken soon after the cyclone;



And three more taken yesterday.


       🙂