Tag Archives: bilge soup
TRUE. Good fillosophee
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TRUE...it’s a fork, but an absolutely stupid fork. A dangerous fork.
A poorly assembled fork. When I tested a trial unit the electrical terminals had been connected with reverse polarity and it sucked my lips and tongue back into the fan blades and spat them out backwards like sausage meat coming out of a mincer before proceeding to grind all my teeth up into budgerigar shell-grit.
And apart from that, inventor Rod Ryan can’t even spell tung correctly in his promotional material. Twit.
Bloody stupid invention.
Hnow I’th goth thoo thalk lithe thith thor ther lesth oth my lithe.
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TRUE. It’s fantasy. A complete
dreamer’s fantasy…..although we’re all gathered together here in The Bucket executive lounge sipping cocktails and waiting for someone to come along and tell us that once upon a time they actually had a day which went exactly like that.
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FALSE. It’s utter rubbish. Any researcher who thinks he can get away with publishing sexist crap like this after failing to invite GOF to do any of the hands-on data collecting field work or subsequent interpretation and peer review of all the vital statistics is not going to get any free publicity from The Bucket.
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For many older Australians this portrait will immediately bring back fond memories.
The photograph reminds me that there are still a few investigative news reporters in Australia like Andrew Olle. They have integrity and a passionate desire to achieve impartial journalistic excellence on both radio and television.
They often pay a very high price for their conscientiousness.
The picture also brings back to me a profound feeling of sadness remembering that this good man, a tenacious and honest reporter who always spoke to me through the television screen with conviction, sincerity and a reassuring twinkle in his eye, literally worked himself to death from a brain tumour and stroke at the age of 48.
This weekend marks the 16th anniversary of his passing.
A favourite story told by those who knew Andrew in the radio industry relates how he would take any opportunity to broadcast Puccini’s short but majestically magnificent aria Nessun Dorma.
Off-air in the studio while the record was playing Olle would operatically, loudly and often quite tunelessly attempt to mimic the great Pavarotti’s performance.
I can relate to that impulse.
Nessun Dorma is one of the world’s greatest vocal temptations.
Andrew Olle has a special place in my album of life memories.
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1. For today’s gourmet extravaganza let us begin by using a heaped prattle of pre-packaged Evangelism.
Our bible reading in Melanesian Tok Pisin is from the
Gospel according to Matthew Chapter 24 verse 31.
In the unlikely event that you lack fluency in this language, it is all about angels, bugles and people being collected from all compass points and swept off to some better place. A little New Guinea Rapture.
Na bai em i salim ol ensel bilong en, na biugel bai i krai bikpela, na oli bungim ol manmeri em i bin makim bilong em. Bai ol i kisim ol long hap bilong olgeta 4-pela win, i go olgeta long arere tru bilong graun.
Please don’t thank me with any great profusion. I am merely a humble vessel dripping vague hope, ambiguity and confusion for the benefit of humankind wherever I go.
2 Now add a dash of inspiration from the antiquity cupboard.
The most requested ingredient during the last month has been some raw Viggo…….. The Bucket Culinary Department worked overtime to manufacture this product in response to your insatiable demands, so please dissect and share him amongst yourselves.
(Personally I don’t see what all the fuss is about.)
4. Add two square eyeballs of disillusionment.
Freeview is Australia’s new television extravaganza.
Sixteen free-to-air television channels instead of the previous five.
It is being relentlessly promoted by a gaggle of pre-geriatric small-screen has-beens wearing permanently beaming faces which are probably the result of cosmetic surgery gone wrong.
Either that, or the commercials were shot in a studio where the atmosphere was predominantly nitrous oxide.
So recently, in the absence of Mrs GOF’s normal midday commentary on the world, I decided to snoop around this apparently wonderful thing that my country has done for itself.
Each one of the 7 channels I selected had either news stories, movies or crime shows depicting people who had suffered from acts of violence perpetrated against them, or who had been, or were about to be, killed in various creative ways.
I switched the television off.
I might turn it back on one day if someone can convince me that my life will be enhanced and uplifted by doing so.
5. Garnish with two sprigs of my Peculiar Perspective.
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Bon appetit……and Ringo turns 71 today. Happy birthday Ringo.
If you look very closely, slightly left of the top of the Sydney Harbour bridge you can just pick out two separate walking-tour groups. (appoximately 12 people in each)
According to my neighbour Saint Martin of FOT who recently made the climb, up to 800 people per day do the journey….a 3 hour return trip which costs around $200.
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2. Add a generous dollop of Astonishment,
One of the perks for Australians who live to 100 years of age is a personal letter of congratulations from the Queen of our British Commonwealth, along with similar felicitations from the Prime Minister of Australia.
If, however, you have spent a century of service and devotion to the Roman Catholic Church and would like some token recognition from the Pope, then you are fresh out of luck……unless……
unless you hand over the prescribed “Fee for Service” in advance.
Now as the Pope is (apparently) the earthly representative of God……….does this mean that God, despite all of his/her rather wonderful, glorious, omnipotent benevolence also occasionally lapsed into utterly shabby moments of callous money-grubbing avarice?
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3. Then stir-in half a brain’s conclusion mixed with a pinch of salt.
A recent little gem of research (here) implores us to believe that living at higher altitudes facilitates immediate weight loss, and acts as a deterrent to future weight gain.
In the past I have occasionally attempted to demolish some dumb and stupid scientific conclusions which failed the test of common sense.
All my boxes of credibility however are ticked with this one.
After all, has anyone ever seen a really fat person on the top of Mt.
Despite this compelling piece of evidence, I’d still like to dust off
and present it to the authors.
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4. Finally, season to taste with some fiscal understanding.
“Taxation is the removal of the most number of feathers
from the goose with the least amount of squarking “
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5. Now please settle back and enjoy thirty one seconds of exquisite musicianship.
1. Fill the pot with an abundance of water;
All values in millimetres. Multiply by 4 to convert to points.
Trivia; Australia’s most productive rain gauge is located alongside the radio and TV transmitters on top of Mt. Bellenden Ker, less than 15 kilometers from GOF’s Place.
It’s rainfall total for 2010 was 12,438mm, just short of the all-time record of 12,461 (41 feet) set in 1990.
The wettest day was the 4th January 1979 when 1140 mm (45 inches) fell.
2. Then add a leg of inspiration;
4. Twice each month we drive to the big smoke in the early morning with our little truck load of plants to sell at the market.
Each time, we come across the same group of 10 amateur cyclists riding in a pack, enjoying each other’s company, and the exercise.
Last time we counted eleven.
Leading the bunch was a man with wooden crutches strapped
to his back, happily pedalling along with his one and only leg.
Please let me always remember him before I am tempted to open my gob to complain about some inconsequential little twinge I feel in one of my joints.
3. And two sachets of mild spice
It is with some dismay, but little regret, that I announce the dismissal of The Bucket’s Religion Reporter who exhibited flawed mental equilibrium and a severe deficiency of moral fibre.
Quite frankly, he lost his marbles.
Over coffee, he confessed to me that he had once, during the 1990’s, wished he was an ant.
” an ant migrating northwards up model Toneya Bird’s rather sleek and attractive bare thigh”.
And furthermore, as a last-ditch attempt to get himself out of the incriminating hole of insanity that he had just dug for himself;
“Mr GOF, there was once THIS Australian TV commercial for Antz Pantz which featured a spiny anteater, then ANOTHER that I didn’t see because it was banned by the censors at the time.
I just needed to put myself in the position of an ant, to be satisfied that there was no animal cruelty involved.”
I have absolutely no idea what he was waffling on about.
There’s no place for that sort of deviant behaviour in The Bucket.
4. Now, add liberal amounts of Wisdom for Men.
This is purely a hypothetical scenario.
If you attend a community market solo during the time when your wife is spending a long-weekend crocheting and drinking orange juice (right!) at her girlfriend’s house over New Years, it is unwise to make an attempt at humour by announcing to even a single member of your close-knit stallholder fraternity;
“She went to the pub on New Years eve, got totally crissed as a
picket, then was arrested for unruly and immoral behaviour for which I refused to pay bail, so I haven’t seen her since”.
Very little good comes from it.
4. And a little magic.
5. Serve with essential Aussie condiments.
To the stock pot of life add one measure of;
Mr Allan Stewart
Recognised by the Guinness Book of Records as the world’s oldest university graduate.
Mr Stewart in 2006 at age 91 completed his Law Degree.
At the age of 95 he enrolled again, this time to study complementary medicine.
His daughter Anne, age 70, is also engaged in her first course of university study.
Mr Stewart maintains strict regimes of physical exercise and diet, and when questioned about secrets to longevity he responded with;
“As long as you keep pedalling the bike, you will not fall off”.
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Then add an overflowing cup of;
Processed milk from the dairy farms in far North Queensland is transported half way across Australia by road to Southern Queensland.
Then, milk produced by farmers in Southern Queensland is trucked 2000 kilometres back up to supermarkets in North Queensland.
Milk is almost 90% pure water.
Presumably the truck drivers pass travelling in opposite directions somewhere around Marlboro, and wave to each other with smiling appreciation of this unbelievably dumb and irresponsible Corporate stupidity which keeps them employed.
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Now, season to taste with a pinch of
There are times in a man’s life when he is entitled to bask in his own glory, and mindsurf the wave of pride which invariably accompanies the achievement of having contributed at a high level to the knowledge pool of mankind.
This is NOT one such occasion.
1. Google gobbled up the post within 60 minutes.
2. The first visitor arrived via Google search 36 hours later.
(If GOM admits it was him then this result is rendered null and
void because he is “family” and that doesn’t count……it would be
a little like “insider trading”)
3. The Bucket is presently Google’s Number One preferred educator
for those intellectuals wishing to study “Dolly Parton bouncing tits.”
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Garnish with abundant joie de vivre, then serve.