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Working for Australia

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Normally I don’t like to blow my own trumpet, but I’ve just spent the last two days working flat out like a lizard drinking, doing marvellous things for my country.  It all started with a simple letter to the Prime Minister.

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SMIRNOFF, FULCRUM & GOF
Social Engineers by Appointment.

17 December 2011

Dear Madam Prime Minister,

What’s up with all you female political leaders?

Every time one of you is given political power in Australia or abroad
I applaud and celebrate with a renewed sense of hope that we will have a safer and more compassionate world, yet almost all of you squander the leadership opportunities just like your male predecessors did.

Just one example please if I may.

Your Federal Administration, State Governments and the judiciary have all failed to act decisively on behalf of those Australian road “accident” victims who have been maimed or killed by drunken drivers and other imbeciles who drove cars without having bothered with the formalities of getting a Licence or registering their motor vehicles.

Why do all Governments treat this issue as if the victims were just unpreventable “friendly fire” casualties in our society?  

A very long time ago I diligently studied road rules, undertook practical instruction and was granted my Driver’s Licence.
Driving a car was then, as it should be today, a privilege and not a right.    I pay $1000 each year to renew this licence and register my vehicle. Apparently I am being very stupid because many fellow road-users don’t give a rat’s arse about these requirements or the consequences of their driving behaviour.

Successive Federal Governments have conveniently sidestepped this matter by passing the buck to State Governments, and court-imposed penalties on offenders are disgracefully lenient.

I would like to offer the services of my Associate, Mr GOF, who is eager to provide a simple and permanent solution to this problem.
He estimates that it would only take two days to complete the necessary tasks if you would be so kind as to hand over executive powers to him while you are away on your Christmas break.

Please liaise directly with Mr GOF.

Yours Faithfully,

Vladimir J. Smirnoff
Director
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Parliament House,   
CANBERRA.

30 December 2011

Dear Mr GOF,

I am in receipt of Mr Smirnoff’s letter of the 17th instant.

On behalf of the Government I am delighted to accept your kind offer of administrative expertise and dynamic management.  It rather surprises me in light of your past history that your talents had not already been brought to my attention by the Australian Security Intelligence Organisation.

Welcome to the team.

Would next Monday and Tuesday be OK with you?

Yours Faithfully,

Julia Buzzard
Prime Minister of Australia

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SMIRNOFF, FULCRUM & GOF
Social Engineers by Appointment.

4 January 2012

Dear Madam Prime Minister,

Thank you for granting me the opportunity to serve my country.

Please find attached a detailed report of my activities on Monday 2nd, and Tuesday 3rd January 2011, along with an Invoice for services rendered.  Please forward cheque to my new address in America where I am hoping to be given ample opportunity to do many more good deeds.

I trust you enjoyed the break and feel well rested.

Please don’t hesitate to contact Mr Smirnoff or myself if ever you need further assistance managing the affairs of Australia.

Yours Faithfully,

GOF
Partner

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Report to Prime Minister Page 1

Report to Prime Minister Page 2 of 2

GOF’s Guide to Law Enforcement

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A blueprint for the future, proudly produced by GOF as a service to the community.

Chapter One.

OFFICE OF POLICE COMMISSIONER

Dear Mr GOF,

I acknowledge receipt of your letter of the 2nd instant, and return herewith the photograph of your combine harvester as requested.

I agree with your impassioned declaration that the city of Cairns has an endemic culture of pedestrians ignoring illuminated “Don’t Walk” signs as well as hordes of foreign workers who persist in riding bicycles the wrong direction down traffic lanes.

Whilst I can to some extent understand your frustration as an out-of-town motorist Mr GOF, at this time I am unable to accept or condone your kind offer to “get rid of all these lawbreaking bastards once and for all.”

We feel that a public education policy is the most sensible approach towards dealing with this problem.  Your proposal is draconian to say the least, and your offer to personally carry it out free-of-charge as a community service does not make it any more attractive or acceptable.

Please be warned that the moment your “recently modified  souped-up pedestrian harvester with side-mounted bicycle scoop and compactor” enters a public thoroughfare you will immediately be arrested and charged under Section 23 of the Traffic Act.

Your assertion that   “it would only take one or two binsful of mangled jaywalkers and bikes to deter any future lawbreakers”  whilst probably being substantially correct is nevertheless repulsive and unacceptable from either a legal or civil libertarian point of view.

In light of your sporadic criminal behaviour over recent years Mr GOF, please be assured that my Officers will be keeping a very close eye on all your future activities.

Yours Faithfully,

Archibald Xavier Plod
COMMISSIONER

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OFFICE of GOF, PUBLIC SPIRITED CITIZEN

Dear Commissioner Plod,

It is with extreme regret that I note you are unable to accept my original proposal to rid Cairns of it’s pedestrian scourge at this point in time.

I understand that sometimes your staff are unable to enforce the relevant pedestrian laws because they are tied up investigating lots of other little things like murder, and robbery with violence, so I have designed an automatic system to deliver these jaywalkers directly to your office.

Please find alternative “Jaywalker Harvesting System” (patent pending)  attached.

In anticipation of your valued reply and subsequent approval.

Your civic minded servant,

GOF

Click to enlarge

Click to enlarge, and enter the draw to win my Complete Spring Loft Collection comprising twenty desiccated Uromys caudimaculatus. (may contain traces of warfarin)

Flogging life back into the dead horse

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pest  n  1. an annoying person or thing.
              2. any organism that damages crops or injures or irritates
                  livestock or man.
or GOF’s definition;
          3. any living organism which, as a result of ignorance or a changed environment, increases its population to such an extent that it needs to invade areas beyond the boundaries of its normal habitat causing detriment to all other living organisms within that new habitat.     eg  man.

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My recent submission  supporting the introduction of Mohr’s Law proved to be almost as popular as a swarm of fire ants invading the annual Nudist’s Picnic.

All my fault.

I forgot to include the most compelling evidence of all.
The results of my very own animal testing trials.
Two modest examples follow, but firstly a reminder of
“Mohr’s Law”;

“It is an offense to cause harm, attempt to cause harm, or behave in a manner likely to cause harm.”

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I have been animal-testing Mohr’s Law for the past 2 decades in my immediate local jurisdiction (where it is known as GOF’s Law) because of the practical deficiencies and inherent stupidity fineprinted into some of the existing laws of this country.

An example is the “Australian Fauna Protection Act” which prohibits GOF, as a human, from causing any sort of discomfort or distress to venomous Brown Tree Snakes even when they fall from the ceiling onto Mrs GOF’s snoozing head in the middle of the night.

This sort of behaviour by a snake does however seriously contravene GOF’s Law by “causing harm” to Mrs GOF,
(primarily psychological) so a Court hearing is hastily convened, considers all available evidence, then passes judgement on the defendant.
The wheels of justice revolve rapidly under GOF’s Law.
Sentences invariably bring into play the well-worn snake stick which permanently resides near the front door of Judge GOF’s Chambers.

snake stick

Similarly, large white-tailed rats, at the rate of at least one hundred each year, mistakenly consider themselves to be fully protected and immune from any sort of punitive action from humans under the “Queensland Native Fauna Conservation Act 1987.”

Unfortunately however they fall foul of GOF’s Law by straying from their designated National Park habitat to take up a warmer, drier, and altogether more comfortable residence in a house which they did not build or even contribute financially towards.

GOF’s Law’s enshrines the principle that a homeowners abode is his or hers or undecided’s personal temple.

It is not an acceptable venue in which invaders should be allowed to run around willy nilly urinating, defecating, chewing up wooden framing, insulation and electrical wiring, or spreading the debilitating Leptospirosis disease.

The “causing harm” clause once again comes into legal play.

GOF’s Law takes precedence over any conflicting impractical legislation dreamed up by office-bound public servants, and it  empowers the homeowner to protect property with deterrents.

deterrents

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So there you have it…..Mohr’s Law has protected my domestic sovereignty for more than twenty years.
No uprisings, lawlessness, graffiti, sedition, public lewdness or ram raids, and not a single lawyer has ever been sighted here since the inception of the trial.

Now it’s time to move on from animal testing to the next phase.

I will forward this practical evidence of Mohr’s Law in action, along with my previous proposal, to the Attorney General who will then undoubtedly replace every stupid law of the land with Mohr’s Law, and furthermore, extend the boundaries of the current GOF Jurisdiction to include all of continental Australia.

I’m so excited. Only six more weeks to go until the Queen’s Birthday Honors List is announced.   “Sir GOF…..for services rendered to the Judiciary.”…….ahhh yes…….you finally made it, son.

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Editors note;

The Bucket’s “comment” facility is not a democratically operated forum provided for the purpose of crucifying GOF for his treatment of animals.

It will however entertain endorsements for his upcoming knighthood, and inevitable elevation to the position of Chief Justice of Australia, as well as the usual sharing of wisdom by his friends.

Criticism of his animal welfare record will be accepted (very temporarily) from anyone who, like GOF, might have spent at least 30 years replanting and regenerating more than 30 acres of rainforest for the designated purposes of soil conservation and native animal habitat.

GOF thinks he has earned the common-sense right to protect his 120 cubic metres of earthly human refuge from all invaders as he sees fit.

Mohr’s Law ** (+ The dysfunctional Bucket)

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Edit April 05;   The Bucket is going into wet season hibernation due to a lack of solar power and an abundance of associated Goffly Malaise.

The Bucket   will      r  e  s  u  m  e         w     h     e     n ………….   zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

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(The most entertaining and down-to-earth little book I have read in the last decade is Les Mohr’s “The Dead Horses”

Mohr philosophophizes with Aussie humour and irreverence upon various activities and concepts including God, political correctness, sport, love, festering, marriage, and “The case for selling women”  in a series of 32 short essays.
I am indebted to the part he played in reinforcing my own thoughts, conclusions and life experience, and for inspiring me to write the following rant article.)

** My wording. Mohr’s modesty prevented him naming the law after himself.

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Occasionally in the past I have chosen to point out deficiencies that, as a humble farmer and gardener, I observe in the way Australia’s judicial system functions.

Rather than being a simple and effective system for maintaining law and order, it is primarily a complicated entrenched framework which ensures that the principal players, i.e. judges, lawyers and legal draughtsmen have an institutionalised means to syphon off the maximum amount of money over the longest possible period of time from plaintiffs, defendants and the public purse.

The present adversarial system encourages courtrooms to become theatres for case-winning acting performances rather than practical places for handing out considered, timely, effective and equitable justice.

That I am able to bring you this truth is largely due to the way I was treated by the legal system on one occasion thirty two years ago, following which I made an irrevocable decision to never again attempt to obtain justice from this unwieldy, expensive, self-serving industry.

Our present system is a deeply entrenched and untouchable relic of the past.
It is unaffordable and inaccessible to those in greatest need.
It is also a disgrace that innocence or guilt can be determined by the degree of character assassination inflicted upon litigants (and witnesses) by opposing lawyers.

As Mohr states;

“The legal profession has hijacked the opportunity for common sense and with it justice for ordinary people.”

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Mohr has a solution.

Abolish every law in the statute books, then replace all of those laws with just one;

Mohr’s Law **

It is an offence to cause harm, attempt to cause harm, or behave in a manner likely to cause harm.

There will be no necessity for “fine print” and endless pedantic legal argument.
One simple law which effectively covers everything from slander to physical violence, fraud or environmental vandalism.

Having introduced this level of simplicity, all that is required of
the justice system is the determination by judges and juries of  “extent of harm” caused, then the handing out of sentences commensurate with the “degree of harm” caused.

I have a suspicion that my Dad, who was a Justice of the Peace and occasional assistant in the Magistrate’s Court, would have concluded that Mohr’s Law represents an unsophisticated, unwelcome and flawed attempt to erode the foundations of our established system of British Justice.
Perhaps it is, or just maybe the principle behind it deserves more than a passing glance, for the present justice system is beyond the reach and comprehension of most Australians.

It may be no coincidence that both Mohr and I (separately) spent many of our younger years working with village people in Papua New Guinea and accordingly now view the world from a different perspective knowing that civilisation and simplicity need not necessarily be mutually exclusive.

Mohr’s Law has approximately zero chance of ever being taken seriously by the Establishment. Judicial reform is not exactly music to the ears of all the rich and powerful lawyers and politicians who have vested interests in maintaining Australia’s legal status quo.

I applaud Mohr’s Law for it’s promise of judicial common sense, a commodity which is increasingly absent from the deliberations of, and sentencing applied by Australia’s legal system.

It is more concerned with playing the games that lawyers play.

.

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The dangers of loitering

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I have always been intrigued by the quaint little misdemeanor dating back to the Criminal Code Act 1899, Section 425,  titled "Loitering with Intent…….to commit an indictable offence".
It seems to me like a law of last resort when prosecuters have insufficient evidence for something more substantial.  Whilst the "loitering" part may easily be proven by video surveillance, the remainder of the charge seems largely to rely on the clairvoyancy and mind reading capacity of the arresting officer.

It is my impression that loitering has declined during the last 50 years now that we have full employment and a relentless pursuit of material consumption and personal entertainment.
If you stand still for long enough today,some inconsiderate influenza ridden citizen will cough and splutter all over you, so its really in the best interests of your health to keep moving.

In retrospect, I consider myself very fortunate in not having been arrested and convicted of LWI on many occasions in my life.  In coffee shops, it could just possibly have been interpreted that I was intent on commiting an assault and battery on the large person in front of me who just ordered enough stuff to feed a third world country, when I was really just trying to read the menu.
On numerous occasions I have loitered in airport terminals and, (as some "friends" enthusiastically remind me that I look remotely like the Osama Bin Dude,) could have been contemplating mayhem, when my only serious intention was collecting a member of my family from a delayed flight.
Indeed I have long had a propensity to combine intermittent sauntering (which is apparently still a legal occupation) with loitering in places where people gather, with the singular intent of observing and understanding human nature.
I should not be a free man.

It would, however, disappoint me greatly to be jailed for LWI, for I would prefer to be convicted of a crime with more substance.  Money laundering would be good, as it would infer by definition that I had cash in such quantity that it required a reassignation. Or perhaps something like counterfeiting currency.  That would reflect some artistic and technological ability and I could be proud to do my time with a smile on my face.  

The Bucket would like to start a movement to draw attention to this stupid law and have it removed from the statute books.
We have recently celebrated "National Threatened Species Day". Well, you may have, I sort of missed it.
Similarly, I would like to propose a designated "Loitering with Intent Day", when thousands of us would clog city streets at peak hour, looking furtive and shifty, and demanding to be arrested by the constabulary.

OK, now what else needs to be fixed in the world?

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