The ten most disappointing events of 2013
1. They wouldn’t let Iran have The Bomb. Dammit. Why should some people be allowed to have The Bomb and others not? If we had a level playing field for warfare, at the end of each stoush the UN could traipse around counting all the casualties, then post the numbers up on a big screen before declaring a winner and handing out the prizes. Let the ‘haves’ be generous and jolly this Christmas. Give The Bomb to the ‘have nots’. Bring back Proliferation.
2. For the 32nd year in a row Elle MacPherson refused to engage with me in any sort of repartee or even just a casual bit of philosophical discourse and intercourse.
3. Australian spooks blundered around phonetapping the wife of the Indonesian President and pretty much everyone else in the AsiaPac area with whom we should have respectful relationships. Let’s go back to basics; a few intercontinental ballistic missiles pointed in their direction. We could paint smiley faces on the nosecones, because I think we really should be as nice as possible to our neighbours.
4. American spooks phonetapped, emailtapped and generally invaded the privacy of every other human being on the planet. That’s patently inadequate. If they were doing their job properly they would also put tracking and listening devices on each one of the 60,600 orangutans remaining in Sumatra and Borneo just in case one or two of them surreptitiously evolved into a sub species of Homo sapiens thereby threatening American homeland security.
5. Justin Bieber bypassed my town on his Australian tour.
6. Sea levels on the planet only rose by a poofteenth of an inch this year as a result of global warming. Not good enough. I live at 2500 feet ASL and I’d like to have some ocean views and beach frontage before I die. A very disappointing result indeed. Burn more coal, people. Eat more beans. Bring back steam trains. They smell nice and they go “choof choof”.
7. Beyonce bypassed my town on her Australian tour.
8. Penny persists in pussyfooting around Sheldon and employing wit and whimsy to deal with his constant barrages of insensitivity . Doesn’t work. She needs to flatten him with a Miss Piggy style karate chop to his solar plexus then bind him up in a coil of copper wire, remind him of the German Physicist Johannes Stark (1874-1957) and that the azimuthal quantum number is in harmony with the relativistic interpretation of electrons moving at speeds approximating the speed of light, then hook the twerp up to the terminals of a 24 volt truck battery. That’ll fix ‘im.
9. Australia recently gave China a little diplomatic talking-to following the sovereignty dispute the latter is having with Japan. Even David had the good sense to carry a slingshot when confronting Goliath. We’re just using antiquated platitudinous boomerangs which come whooshing back and hit us in our credulities . Where’s our bomb? THE Bomb. Bring back Proliferation.
10. The ‘P’ key on my laptop is cactused, along with the ), :, ;, ? and O.
Mother Necessity led me to the discovery of Mr Window’s onscreen keyboard which thoughtlessly hides most of what you are trying to write on the document beneath it. It’s like performing laparoscopys in the dark. The results aren’t always accurate or pretty.
I’m going to sit on Santa’s lap in the shopping centre tomorrow and ask him if I could have a P…… a really good one that will last me for a long time.
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_.S. I have no s are usb orts to lug in another keyboard.
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