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Monthly Archives: December 2013

Australia’s sporting disgrace

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sledging

Cricket has been the one enduring sporting love of my life. Today many Australians are celebrating the series victory over our traditional rivals, England.

Some of us are not.

‘Test cricket’ matches have been played between our two countries for 130 years. Cricket is more than just a game requiring technical skills and physical endurance. As each game is played over five consecutive days, complex and subtle tactical manoeuvres are required to deal with the vagaries of changing pitch and weather conditions.  But most of all, cricket has always demanded of it’s players an exemplary level of sportsmanship both on and off the field, including respect for opponents, and winning or losing with grace and dignity.

This year, players from both teams have violated the proud traditions of the game.  Australia, as the host nation needs to take most responsibility. The on-field behaviour of our players has been utterly disgraceful.  Verbal abuse, intimidation and threats of physical violence to opponents might belong with other sports, but not cricket.

We have witnessed these highly-paid sporting heroes of today, who are the role models for our young cricketers of the future, behaving like loudmouthed thugs and disrespectful uncouth showponies.

Cricket deserves better than this.

Much, much better.

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Update;  30th December 2013;

Following this verbal dressing down I am delighted to announce that all players behaved themselves admirably during the subsequent Fourth Test Match.  Accordingly, I am expecting a cheque in the mail from the Australian Cricket Board this week.  Other financial donations from traditional cricket lovers  may be lodged online at the usual place:   goffixedthebastards.com

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I just wanna P for Christmas

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The ten most disappointing events of 2013

1.  They wouldn’t let Iran have The Bomb.  Dammit.  Why should some people be allowed to have The Bomb and others not?   If we had a level playing field for warfare, at the end of each stoush the UN could traipse around counting all the casualties, then post the numbers up on a big screen before declaring a winner and handing out the prizes.   Let the ‘haves’ be generous and jolly this Christmas. Give The Bomb to the ‘have nots’.  Bring back Proliferation.

2. For the 32nd year in a row Elle MacPherson refused to engage with me in any sort of repartee or even just a casual bit of philosophical discourse and intercourse.

3. Australian spooks blundered around phonetapping the wife of the Indonesian President and pretty much everyone else in the AsiaPac area with whom we should have respectful relationships.   Let’s go back to basics;  a few intercontinental ballistic missiles pointed in their direction. We could paint smiley faces on the nosecones, because I think we really should be as nice as possible to our neighbours.

4. American spooks phonetapped, emailtapped and generally invaded the privacy of every other human being on the planet. That’s patently inadequate.  If they were doing their job properly they would also put tracking and listening devices on each one of the 60,600 orangutans remaining in Sumatra and Borneo just in case one or two of them surreptitiously evolved into a sub species of Homo sapiens thereby threatening American homeland security.

5.  Justin Bieber bypassed my town on his Australian tour.

6.  Sea levels on the planet only rose by a poofteenth of an inch this year as a result of global warming.  Not good enough.  I live at 2500 feet ASL and I’d like to have some ocean views and beach frontage before I die.  A very disappointing result indeed. Burn more coal, people. Eat more beans. Bring back steam trains. They smell nice and they go “choof choof”.

7.  Beyonce bypassed my town on her Australian tour.

8.  Penny persists in pussyfooting around Sheldon and employing wit and whimsy to deal with his constant barrages of insensitivity .  Doesn’t work.  She needs to flatten him with a Miss Piggy style karate chop to his solar plexus then bind him up in a coil of copper wire, remind him of the German Physicist Johannes Stark (1874-1957) and that the azimuthal quantum number is in harmony with the relativistic interpretation of electrons moving at speeds approximating the speed of light, then hook the twerp up to the terminals of a 24 volt truck battery. That’ll fix ‘im.

9.  Australia recently gave China a little diplomatic talking-to following the sovereignty dispute the latter is having with Japan. Even David had the good sense to carry a slingshot when confronting Goliath.  We’re just using antiquated platitudinous boomerangs which come whooshing back and hit us in our credulities . Where’s our bomb?  THE Bomb.  Bring back Proliferation.

10.  The ‘P’ key on my laptop is cactused, along with the ), :, ;, ? and O.
Mother Necessity led me to the discovery of Mr Window’s onscreen keyboard which thoughtlessly hides most of what you are trying to write on the document beneath it.   It’s like performing laparoscopys in the dark. The results aren’t always accurate or pretty.

I’m going to sit on Santa’s lap in the shopping centre tomorrow and ask him if I could have a  P…… a really good one that will last me for a long time.

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_.S.    I have no  s are usb  orts to  lug in another keyboard.

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Protected: A depressing journey beyond blue

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A Christmas letter

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Friends of The Bucket will be aware that the online provision of factual and educational masterpieces such as this one is merely a hobby of mine. A humble little gift to humanity. My real job is being a partner with the innovative social engineering firm Smirnoff, Fulcrum and Gof.  The three of us share such close working and personal relationships that sometimes it feels almost as though we are just a single organism.  Being baby-boomers we are still a little old-fashioned and send out Christmas letters to our nearest and dearest.  Today I am sharing with you the one I received this week from my friend and partner Jasper J. Fulcrum Esq.
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Hello dear friends,

Holy Rudolph!  Time doth fly doth’nt it!  Once again it’s time for me to reflect upon, and share with all our friends, the gobsmackingly magnificent achievements of my family and pets during the last 12 months.

Well not too much about pets this year.
Donatus our Doberman blotted his copybook in October.  He ate the neighbour’s Pomeranian which had just won the Best Dog in Show award at the Brisbane Exhibition.  No-one would have discovered who the culprit was except that the next-door family members were enjoying a Sunday barbecue lunch on their front lawn after church when Donatus arrived on the scene and regurgitated a furball containing the victim’s pink hair ribbon, Council registration tag, a microchip and a rather nasty looking large tapeworm.  Stupid dog.

Sarky  (Sarcophagus our eldest boy now prefers this truncated version of his name) seems to have become a professional globetrotter of some sort. Something like a storm chaser I believe. He follows cyclones, typhoons, floods and other natural disasters all around the world in rented pantec trucks, then sends back shipping containers full of all sorts of furniture, jewellery and electrical goods which he has rescued from the tempests.  He calls himself a ‘recycler of potentially shop-soiled merchandise’.  That must be a good thing for the planet.  I think he might live in Switzerland because after we sell everything for him that’s where we have to send the money.

Candy still provides ancillary services for Australian and American naval personnel when they arrive in Sydney for R and R.  She is doing very well with one office in Kings Cross and a new one closer to the wharves to provide rapid response services to those with more urgent and pressing requirements.  It is wonderful to know our daughter is giving some little thing back to the servicemen who do so much for our country.  We are very proud of her.

Wollemi, who was born in the year when this rare Australian pine tree was discovered by botanists, turned out to be as thick as two pine planks which probably serves us right for giving him that name in the first place.  He’s become addicted to takeaway food and the demon drink, and judging by his present body shape maybe we should have baptised him Baobab instead.   Well this is the last year I’ll be mentioning him in my Christmas letter because the ungrateful sod went and took out a Restraining Order on me after I went to his place in March and syphoned 500 gallons of his home-brewed stout down into the sewers. For his own good mind you.  There’s only so much you can do for children when they run off the tracks like this.

Eronius, our lastborn who arrive a decade later than the other children, is now 22 and runs a millinery and embroidery business with his very good friend Nigel.  We can’t wait for one of our kids to produce a grandchild.  I think Eronius is a dark horse and might be the first although he keeps telling me that he hasn’t found the right girl yet.  He’s a shy boy so I think he might be reluctant to tell me all about his love life but it wouldn’t surprise me if I have some quite amazing news to share with you within the next couple of years.

Happy holidays, and may all your Herald Angels hark on cue and sing with sublime tunefulness this Christmas,

Love and best wishes from Jasper and all the Fulcrum Gang.
(Except Donatus who is too busy eyeing off the new Chihuahua next door through a knot-hole in the paling fence…….maybe I should nail Wollemi to the fence to block off the hole…..sheesh! ……bloody rotten fruit of my loins he turned to be.  )

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