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GOF’s Charity Department

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At great expense The Bucket is now being published for your convenience in the marvellous newly-patented green, blue and black Tripartita Format.

1.  AUDIO UP HERE FOR THE VISUALLY IMPAIRED  ˄˄˄

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2. Extract of key words in the middle here for busy readers who can’t spend more than ten seconds in The Bucket, but would neverthless like to get the jist of it ;

“G’day, private lottery beautiful Megan God take me 59,999 times nine hours stuffed. The end.”

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3.  Unabridged text down here for the hearing impaired, and for those visionaries who could arguably be making better use of their time.

G’day. You have reached GOF’s private residence.
If you are one of my highly intelligent, beautiful and/or handsome readers of The Bucket please press “1”.

If you are the representative of a lottery organisation wishing to deposit funds into my bank account, please press “2”.

If you are Megan McCormick and you would like to take me along with you on your next Pilot Guides expedition to the Carnival in Rio de Janeiro please press “3”.

If you are a charity begging for money please press “4”

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You have now reached GOF’s charity processing department.

As staggeringly ridiculous as it might seem, there are apparently 60,000 registered charitable organisations in Australia.

If, like you, the other 59,999 chose to interrupt me once each month by ringing my private telephone, my life would be in total shambles.

Please don’t hang up before I present all the arithmetical data in support of this hypothesis. It took me a very long time to compile.

60,000 charities divided by 30 days in the month equals 2000 phone calls every day. Multiplied by 1 minute each, this would require 33 hours of my time.
Therein lies my dilemma given that God rations me to 24 hours in most of my days. This leaves me with a deficiency of around about 9 hours and quite frankly I’m stuffed if I know where I could find that number of additional hours even if I was on really good terms with God herself.

Accordingly it would seem like a reasonable and simple solution if you were to just bugger off and stop ringing my telephone in the first place. This would serve two purposes.  Firstly it would please me to a degree rarely seen in grumpy old bastards, and secondly it would allow me to distribute my charitable endowments as I see fit.

Thank you for understanding.

To return to the main menu please press “1”

The end.

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Not about Megan

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Television travel documentaries rarely exceed the high standards set by the Lonely Planet Pilot Guides (Globe Trekkers) series.

Megan is one of the guides who I have chosen completely at random, and I hope no-one will accuse me of favouritism for including her for illustrative purposes, whilst ignoring all the male presenters.

Each episode is an informative travelogue providing historical background, as well as current information for travellers.

Megan is just here to advertise the product. Unfortunately something I wrote last year during a bout of youthful hormonal imbalance dwelled a little too much on Ms McCormicks own personal body of work, and failed to give sufficient tribute to the exceptionally good production values of the entire Pilot Guide series.

It is shown on Australian TV at 12.30 on Thursdays.
An hour of Pilot Guides leaves me with an understanding of all those exotic destinations, and feeling all warm and fuzzy inside with desires and dreams

for travel.

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GOF’s In love………….yet again

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Over many years it has been my pleasure to have had meaningful love affairs with several of the worlds most beautiful women.  Well, they have been meaningful to me.   With an enduring sadness it is unfortunately my duty to report that precisely none of them have shown the slightest interest in me at all.
All that prevents me from suffering permanent psychological damage is the knowledge that at the very least I have selected women who have been very competent judges of character.

Mrs GOF has had to suffer constantly through my assorted flights of fantasy, but she good naturedly accepts it as part of the "for better or for worse"  contract she acquired when she drew the short straw.
Not so accepting of my extracurricular activities is our 26 year old daughter Globet. (we didn't give her that name so no correspondence please)     In a declaration bordering on elder-abuse she has banned me from admiring any woman younger than herself, and threatens to install me in a disreputable nursing home if I continue the practice.  Almost wish I'd left her wallowing in dirty diapers longer than necessary in 1982.

I have made a short list of those who have made GOF's miserable existence just a little more tolerable during the past 30 years.

 Jamie Lee Curtis, Megan Gale, Ali McGraw, Claudia Schiffer, Kristian Alfonso, and even sisters Elle and Mimi Macpherson, simultaneously.   After lengthy deliberation I also include Catherine Bach in my list.  It was a photo finish ……my lust for her and the car in The Dukes of Hazzard were of equal proportions.

I have sought therapy for my appalling obsessions, and now know that none of it is my fault.  GOF first fell in at love in Grade 1 at the age of 5 with an older girl in grade 6 who was assigned to look after him in the small one roomed school he attended.  Any deviant behaviour he has displayed in later life can surely be traced back to having been led astray at such a tender age by a 12 year old who insisted on holding his hand occasionally on his first day at school.   

Thus it is a great pleasure to report that I am absolutely besotted with Mr and Mrs McCormicks little girl Megan.
Megan is a presenter on the Lonely Planet, Pilot Guides television travel documentaries.
We have travelled around so much of the world together in the last few years…..just the 2 of us.  We have stayed at backpacker establishments, luxury hotels, traversed the worlds deserts, swamplands, mountains and oceans, and met a multitude of deviant little ethnic Romeos who have sought to get their grubby little paws on her.

Megan, my dear friend, you are the most competent travel presenter I have ever known.  Your knowledge of the subject matter and the ability to communicate lengthy historical and informative monologues to camera make you the finest presenter the US, world, solar system, universe or cosmos has ever seen.   You are respectful of the people and cultures you encounter, and reinforce my theory that most people on earth are decent and caring, and share similar human values. (except for the grubby little Romeos)

Oh…., and incidentally if you will permit me to be a little more shallow than normal for a moment….  you are totally gorgeous to look at.
 
Old GOF now needs another Librium and a lie down.  Blogging is a health hazard.
 

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