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Mysteries of life #22; Eyebrow plucking

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Regular readers will remember that not long ago I found myself in a wee spot of bother in a shopping centre.
I am unable to elaborate further because the whole sorry saga is still sub judice.
Suffice to say that I have lifted my game, and my line of sight.

I have discovered the fascinating subject of plucked, pruned, and partially bulldozed eyebrows.
Personally I have always considered bushy eyebrows to be an attractive component of womens natural beauty.   I am however cognisant of the fact that I possess perhaps more than my fair share of peculiarities.

What I now see both intrigues and amuses me.
Faces where eyes are enclosed within scrawny quotation marks. (they used to be called inverted commas until someone messed with my language)

Each mark an elongated island within a sea of angry crimson bearing witness to the pain and suffering which must have been required during the manufacturing process.

It should be noted for purposes of balanced non-sexist reporting, that I am equally perplexed by the early twentieth century phenomenon of men sporting "pencil thin moustaches" as an underscore for their probisci.

Humans certainly do come up with some imaginative and unsuccessful procedures to improve upon what is natural and beautiful.

Next port of call;  tattoos.

After that I will probably have offended 100% of my readers and The Bucket will rightfully float into unused rusting oblivion at the edge of cyberspace.

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Mysteries of life #38.24.36; Mixed messages

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(Ed;   The Bucket acknowledges that many opinions expressed by GOF in these pages are quite obviously the result of inadequate or even zero research.   Occasionally he is sent on fact-finding excursions to remedy this imbalance.
On reflection it is probably best for his own welfare that he remain in his bush retreat and continue writing unresearched rubbish.)

Men of the world are constantly reminded of the offence they cause to women  by habitually gazing at their chests instead of their eyes.

Why then, do so many women choose to wear tee shirts with mysterious and attractive messages emblazoned across the front if they don't want us to look there?  

An example if I may from my recent exhaustive shopping centre studies.
(There was to be an accompanying photographic portfolio with this story, except the mean security guard confiscated my memory cards.)

"The best just got better"  was worn rather snugly by a member of my random sample group.

Pondering what lay behind these five words I found a couple of quite magnificent opportunities for semantic palpation.  
Who previously judged what was "best"?,
and who gets to decide whats "better"?.  
And the ever perplexing "best what?". 

To assist with my intellectual closure, I accordingly manoeuvred myself several times into strategic positions within the shopping centre, to re-read the message, just to make sure there was no additional fine print lurking beneath in the shadows, which I might have missed on earlier viewings.

Security guards apparently have no respect for the honest pursuit of knowledge.

The picture of me which appeared on the front page of the local newspaper was totally unflattering.

And the fingerprinting ink won't wash off either.

I have pleaded "not guilty" to all seven charges.
Having chosen to conduct my own defense, I now have the onerous task of studying legal statutes, and maybe some precedent, in the unlikely event that someone in the past did what I did.

GOF will be absent from The Bucket for the next 4 days. 

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Mysteries of life; #3 Sailing craft

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                                          Why is it spelled Y A C H T ??

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Mysteries of Life; #18 High heels

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At what point in human evolution did Mother Nature make an error of such physiological magnitude that it required a major structural adjustment to the angle of incidence between the foot and the earths surface?

Why is it only the female of the species which requires correction?
(I've lived a sheltered life and perhaps do not need to know if this is an incorrect assumption on my part).
I will go down to the nearest building site, find a big burly labourer and ask if he would like to assist me with my research by wearing a nice little pink stiletto number for a week or so and see if it improves his traction and work performance.

Is it really good fun to walk around in high heels, and perhaps something I should try next time I go to town?
Something to put on my bucket list?

I am aware there are biometric justifications for women wearing high heels.  Something to do with a chain of events which increases the "wiggliness" of other female body parts, making the whole package a more attractive sexual proposition.

Now I personally have never had a problem being attracted to the original natural design. Unenhanced.  Unelevated.  Quite the opposite, a lot of my difficulties in life were directly resultant from being attracted to women of the world wearing flats, workboots, gumboots, or, best of all totally nude feet.

I would dearly like to start GOF's Flat Feet movement to ban high heels and bring back bare feet and biologically sensible footwear, but I am presently in hiding from one very angry builders labourer who has used some extremely bad language to me, and made certain threats against my manhood and physical wellbeing.

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Mysteries of life; #17 Bananas

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Why do the hands on bunches of bananas point upwards on the banana tree?
They only serve as a receptacle for bird shit, and a place of residence for spiders and cockroaches.
If they were more sensibly growing downwards, gravity would assist us to have longer bananas.

Possible explanations;

(a) Late on day 6, God, in His infinite wisdom, and generally pleased with His Creation, decided to insert some novelty items.

(b) Late on day 6, God realised the gravity and error of creating Man in his own likeness.  Realising that Man would eventually completely overpopulate and trash Earth, the jewel in His celestial body portfolio, He resorted to sorrow-drowning with a mixture of mead and fermented grapes. Bananas were designed very late that evening.

(c) Late on day 6, God deliberately designed the banana His way, waiting for some impudent human to question His wisdom and sobriety, as a trigger to unleash His awesome wrath on the entire human race and the universe.

Does God have access to the internet?

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