RSS Feed

Tag Archives: internet

A little prayer from GOF

Posted on

Dear God,

Tonight as I lay me down to sleep I give thanks for all that you have provided in my life and apologise for all those times when I believed that you never existed.

I am grateful for the air which you have given me to breathe, and for the carbon monoxide with which it is laced whenever I go into town.

It is with astonishment and wonder that I observe your 20,000 strong colony of flying foxes resident in the big trees outside the Cairns City Library, and at the sheer volume of excrement and regurgitated offerings produced by them which stained my very best town shirt and pants yesterday and began eroding the paintwork on my ute which was verily parked beneath these trees.

Thank you for all the birds, including those whose morning and evensong bookend my days, but mostly for the hundreds of others who had migrated from all the continents on Earth and were cavorting in the briefest of bikinis last Sunday afternoon completely filling the two acres of lawns surrounding the Cairns Lagoon swimming pool.
You fooled me into believing that I had suddenly gone to heaven you crafty old devil.

I know that you are not a vengeful God…..except for those times when you unleashed lightning bolts upon delinquent golfers who were frittering their lives away by wandering around aimlessly after little white balls……however;

Please cast your omnipotent eyeball upon my old “guaranteed weatherproof” satellite internet outdoor unit. (ODU)


You see God, (Oh silly me, of course you can see) the water from the ODU migrates down the inside of 7 metres of coaxial cable filling up my modem before dribbling out onto the carpet of my office making Mrs GOF believe that I have become prematurely incontinent.

This is the 8th time in 4 years that I’ve had to completely replace all my electronic hardware  which leaves me without internet access for 2 weeks every time and I don’t need to remind you that on the scale of world calamities this is right up there with the biggest of ’em, so could you possibly arrange some retribution on my behalf for the equipment manufacturers?

Maybe a jolly good smiting around the head with some sort of large fish if you have any left over from your creation days or an artificially induced famine in the ODU’s country of origin if you have a few minutes to make all the food miraculously disappear from the shelves of their supermarkets.

Anyway, it’s probably not up to me to advise you in regard to Almighty Interventionist Policy, so please email me a couple of pictures of whatever you see fit to do so I can keep The Bucket’s tolerant readers fully informed.  Thank you.

Goodnight God,


*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *



Bouncing tits

Posted on

Judgeth me not that mine tits are small, and blue, and accordingly liveth not up to thine expectations, but verily I say unto thee that neither size nor colour are important.

I have a serious question.  (No, really….I do.)

Those who noted that it took me 3 weeks to eventually work out just how to configure the simple title “GOF” as your main source of annoyance on WordPress, will not need further convincing of my abysmal understanding of computers and this internetski thing.

Is it just my imagination that search engines have more difficulty picking up posts made here at WordPress than they did on Vox?

At Vox, geographic references and specific phrases from my stories were recognised by Google within a couple of hours of posting, and that does not seem to be happening here where identical stories have resided for 7 months now.

I ticked the box at WP to have my blog readable by search engines because of the historical New Guinea content contained within it.

During the last 7 months there have only been a small handful of referrals from search engines.

Four were in response to the search term
“stunning women with no clothes” who were directed here.
A further three were in Russian, a language with which, alas, I am unfamiliar, (apart from internetski and Tatiana Grigorieva) but whose search probably translated into; “stunning women with no clothes”.

I think I can understand how difficult it would be for a search engine to locate one piece of information on the Internetski.

It would be like me rummaging through all the shredded-paper dumpsters at the United Nations trying to find a single piece of evidence to suggest that the UN was NOT a morbidly obese administrative monstrosity which had gotten to be that way by feeding solely off it’s own bureaucratic excrement.

One theory I am considering is that Google itself is now a teenager, and it’s Google-eyes might be preoccupied looking for puerile adolescent content relating to bodily functions, rather than actually indexing the literary genius that all my blog neighbors produce here at WordPress.

In other words, Google is presently nothing more than a very naughty juvenile search engine.

To prove my point, The Bucket proudly launches;

.o0O    The  BOUNCING TITS  project.    O0o.

How long will search engines need to crawl all over my
BOUNCING  TITS before they show them to the public?

How long will it take Google to nail down my BOUNCING TITS?

I fully understand that my BOUNCING TITS might attract an undesireable multitude of dirty old reprobates from fifty different countries who will pollute my blog of purity.

And ten thousand devious but hopeful old Dolly Parton fans.

And 100,000 nine year old boys who, after viewing my offering, will go back to school the next day wondering what the hell all their classmates were getting excited about.

I am standing by, waiting for the first desperate pervert welcome visitor to arrive via a BOUNCING TITS search.

As a reward he will be annointed from my special crystal decanter of  Eau de Bilge.

Final results of this  BOUNCING TITS experiment will be published at the end of October.

That should give me just enough time to apply for the next
Nobel Prize for outstanding Scientific research.



P.S. Don’t even try it.

Any comment received below which attempts to re-use my phrase “dirty old reprobate” in a manner detrimental to the good reputation of  The Bucket or any specific member of it’s staff will be viewed quite unfavorably.

Edit 90 minutes after posting;  Google discovered this within 60 minutes of posting, which I find quite an extraordinary achievement.  Bing did not.