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The Christmas newsletter 2015 and mercifully there will be no more.

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(Until he finally kicks the bucket, GOF will enjoy hearing from you via the sidebar message facility or email under the ‘Who’s this GOF bastard’ tab above. Thank you to all my WP friends, it’s been a wonderful journey.)

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This year, as an antidote to the rampant scourge of cynicism and sarcasm which pervades our beautiful world, I would like to share with you the following heartwarming newsletter that I received today from my Cousin FOG;

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Hello dear friends,

Seasons greetings to you all.

Two thousand and fifteen has been our annuss anus horrabillus a pretty rotten year for us down here on the farm.

The purebred line of large-boned Charolais beef cattle we’d been developing for 40 years had their exquisite genetic constitutions sullied by that runt of a Jersey bull from Uddermans Dairy Farm next door. The randy little bastard apparently got into 23 of our prizewinning cows some time in January although we didn’t find out until later in the year when our lovely girls started dropping ugly and stunted diarrhoea-coloured progeny.

Sadly the FOG family is functioning like our local municipal garbage dump at the moment. Brand new crap is being generated at a faster rate than I, as patriarch, can bury it or transfer portions into someone elses backyard. Patriarchy is a very demanding and stressful business.

I know you’ll find it hard to believe that the twin girls are now 27 years old. Goodness gracious me how time does fly. Sophie Isabella Nosegay , who we’ve always just called ‘Sin‘for short, eventually took her vows of silence and chastity last June and remains cloistered in the Pirelli Convent near Milan in northern Italy. We no longer hear from her and barring the magic of immaculate conception or some other mistiming of rhythmic ecclesiastical intervention we probably won’t ever be blessed with grandchildren sprouting from her branch of the family tree. A bit of a waste really. She was very good breeding stock.

Lazy‘ Susan is more than making up for her sister’s carnal deprivations. The latest boyfriend from America seems to be a pretty good sort of chap though. Lance apparently used to be a reasonable cyclist back in the day and he’s been busy helping Susan and her kiddies with some dietary supplements to help them all cope better with their busy lives.
We do still worry about her a lot though. Whilst Australia’s policy of multiculturalism is very good in principle we feel that Susan is shouldering way too much responsibility. The fathers of her five children all returned to their respective places of origin in Chad, Bahamas, Mongolia, Oklahoma and Tasmania before my friend Winchester and I could intervene and negotiate some child support money out of them.

Normally at this time of year, even though it’s very hot here in Australia, as a service to the community I squeeze into my Father Christmas costume and dispense yuletide joy and happiness to all the feral rugrats wonderful children who gather in the airconditioned Swindling Spigot Shopping Centre. ย Unfortunately I’ve been banned from doing it this year just because of some stupid appointment I’ve got down at the Magistrates Court on the ninth of December.
I think I can prove what I did was justifiable spontaneous retribution after that inconsiderate fat kid leapt onto my Santa lap last year and ruptured both of my anterior cruciate ligaments. Just because his father happened to be that toffee-nosed Crown Prosecutor Sir Archibald Wrigley-Basemetal I am now in a wee spot of bother. Upper class gits.

Another team of lawyers is also flat out parasitising another member of our family.

Uncle Bart, who spent most of his life training thoroughbred horses in Victoria is facing doping charges. As you might already know, Bart’s successes on the racing track were few and far between, although his gelding Knackery Boy did come a creditable 17th behind Rising Fast in the 1954 Melbourne Cup. Eventually the horse’s name proved to be quite prophetic.
Uncle Bart is now 91 and he recently moved into the Our Angel of Necrosis home for the chronically ancient. The doping incidents apparently involve at least two rather sprightly 87 year-old women living just down the corridor from Uncle B. Unfortunately the nurses and police discovered an incriminatory stash of veterinary drugs and other paraphernalia hidden in Bart’s wardrobe so it’s not looking too good for him. Goodness knows what he was planning to do with his old eartag pliers and elastrator.

It’s been a superb year for growing stuff here on the farm. The Back Paddock down by the creek was especially productive. Accordingly, Shantibelle Clover (my sixth wife who I hadn’t got around to telling you about yet) and I were in high spirits for most of the year….well at least until my birthday in October when she shot through with some tattooed Hells Angelย and all three tons of our surplus trading stock.

Oh well, easy come, easy go.

Just like the years.

Seasons greetings and best wishes for 2016.

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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

28 responses »

  1. Ah, GOF. Tell your dear cousin I’m on his side, Santa has his limits after all. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Stunted diarrhoea-coloured progeny

    Just by coincidence that’s also the name of the newest right wing party of the United States.

    You’ve been missed ~

    Reply
  2. Oh my god, GOF. You just get better, and rarer as time goes by! Laughed my arse off. Happy Holidays, Merry Christmas and Happy New Year! ๐Ÿ˜€

    Reply
  3. LOL! Well, that was worth waiting for. ๐Ÿ™‚ Merry Christmas GOF and Mrs. GOF.

    Reply
  4. “snort” ๐Ÿ˜ฏ Thanks for the guffaws. Uncle Bart sounds like quite a character. Just in case I don’t hear from you for another year, may I wish you a Happy Crimble, New Year, Easter and October Birthday. ๐Ÿ™‚

    Reply
  5. I have NEVER been to Australia … and I have a medical condition which won’t allow me to give a blood sample.

    FOG’s neighbor is a poor dairyman if he allowed a Jersey bull to live to adulthood.

    Glad to know you’re still among the living.

    Reply
    • Well that’s disappointing GOM……I was looking forward to welcoming you into our functional family. FOG’s neighbour is a disgrace on many levels.
      Some developing country in South America recently launched Australia’s new satellite to improve my internet service…. after another 8 months of testing I might get access to it and be able to start blogging again. Hope I don’t have to learn Spanish to use it.

      Reply
  6. Good to hear from you, “FOG”! ๐Ÿ™‚

    Reply
  7. Hi cousin..I was wondering if you had become an Autumn leaf on the family tree. Pleased to see you back, it is so had to retrieve Metadata. BC

    Reply
    • Wonderful to hear from you. As you know I dropped off the family tree around half a century ago…..couldn’t wait for Autumn to arrive.
      “It is so hard to retrieve Metadata” I have no idea who or what Metadata is, so I’m assuming you’re having trouble getting your dog of that name back. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Reply
      • I should have stayed in PNG and sorted you out in in 1974, dear cousin.This week I am celebrating about 50 years since a trip up Hanging Rock to celebrate my birthday.
        Where did all the fun times go, Pindiu, Finschaven,

        Reply
        • I really needed to be sorted out in 1974 but I learned to fly instead and I know you understand the joy and challenges involved with aviation. I still have many wonderful memories of working in PDU and FIN, some of which will remain unpublished.
          Enjoy reminiscing about Hanging Rock and I wish you many more happy birthdays.

          Apologies for tardy reply but I don’t visit The Bucket very often. Photography and lethargy now rule my life.

          Reply
          • Yes inverted flight, most fun you can have with your knickers on.. avgas in the morning, tall tales in the evening,

            Reply
  8. Great to hear from you GOF. Season’s Greetings, Merry Christmas, Happy New Year!

    Reply
    • Thank you Emjay, and best wishes to you. Please keep holding Washington together…..the world doesn’t need it to deteriorate any more. ๐Ÿ™‚

      Reply
  9. Pingback: #Ithinkitsfunny #metablogging Greatest #Christmas Newsletter Ever | opinions expressed may be incorrect

  10. I had to read this three times! It ought to be sent into the Nobel committee.

    Or the local constabulary.

    I think you’ve earned a medal for your rainforesty-tree!

    Reply
  11. Hey GOF (I accidentally typed GOD… wasn’t sure you would have recognised that I meant you, so I had to fix it.)
    Anywayz, I just came by because the weather peeps were showing a big swirly weather-thing passing through your corner of the planet and I thought it had been a while since we last heard from you… Of course this time of year you probably don’t have electricity or interwebs or anything, so I’ll just tip me hat in your general direction and hope everything is good and still obeying basic laws of gravity and not flying off with this Debbie floozy.

    Reply
    • Thank you for your concern Drude. Thankfully Cyclone Debbie made landfall some 300 kilometres south of us. It was particularly nasty and very slow moving so our thoughts are with the folk down there as we know it often takes years to recover from these events.
      It’s almost 3 years since I stopped blogging. Most of my friends jumped ship to facebook and twitter…..both platforms that don’t appeal to me. I miss the circle of friend I had on WordPress and Vox before that.
      Best wishes,
      Ian

      Reply

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