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Is my bum too big?

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My Love’s an oceanographer,
On the sea which is my mind.
Sampling wit and truth and wisdom
For the enrichment of mankind.
She tests my depth of knowledge,
And breadth of cognisance.
Before basking on the deck
Of my apparent omniscience.

“What’s the speed of light?” dear GOF,
My Love didst ask of me.
“Well it’s really frigging fast my dear,
More than the eye can see.”
“I think you’ll find” she corrected me
“When it’s traveling at it’s limit,
That your ‘frigging fast’ is approximately
Eleven million miles a minute”.

Chastened and chastised I star
Ted heading for the door.
“Not so fast Smarty Pants”
I’ve got one question more.
If your repertoire’s so full
Of erudition to discharge,
Then perhaps you can tell me
If my bum’s a bit too large.

I scarcely could believe it.
The question all men dread.
If you get the answer wrong
You might just as well be dead.
First I feigned some hearing loss,
Then cramps and diarrhoea
Before bolting to the bathroom
My confus-ed head to clear.

I emerged aglow with truthfulness.
“Within parameters it fits
‘Tween Tyra Banks and Roseanne Barr”
Thinkin’ she’d be thrilled to bits.
Now I’m sleeping in the doghouse
But having avoiding my demise,
If I’d empirically measured it
With an axe handle for size.


About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

16 responses »

  1. Brilliant! 😀

  2. Hehehe. You’re a brave man, GOF. 😀

  3. Married life is so fraught isn’t it? Classic!

  4. Outstanding!!

  5. I see a lot of men whose bums I can’t stop staring at, and it never crosses my mind how big they are. In any case, I think most women ask this not out of insecurity but rather as a way to include our beloved men in our decision making so they feel needed. See how devious we are?


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