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GOF the Masterchef

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My small country town held a Masterchef competition last week. It was a fundraiser at the church for our beloved Bishop Risotto Parmagiano. He is suffering from depression and Post Traumatic Stress Syndrome after he scored an incredible 99% in a paternity test of the Rawlinson quintuplets.

Our talents are for giving
As philanthropic deeds
To the destitute, and spawn
Of Bishop’s holy seeds.
There were nine young contestants,
Plus me, I tagged along
With ‘old age and treachery’
Whistlin’ Willie Nelson’s song.


Seven of ’em exited
Before the show began.
I uncorked my flask marked ‘Anthrax’
And they all took off and ran.
So as I surveyed pots and woks
And lentils, nuts and ghee,
There remained just the three of us;
Gaylord, Fat Anne and me.


Next to go was gourmand Anne
With a loaf of sourdough bread.
Golden brown and shaped a little
Like Bishop Risotto’s head.
Smiling wide with nostrils flared
Fat Anne was thrilled to bits,
But I’d laced her flour with Epsom Salts
And the judges got the shits.


Gaylord mortar-pestled with
An alcoholic grin,
From vodka in his drinking glass.
How the hell did that get in?
He fell down drunk and went to sleep,
So now I’m here to boast,
‘Bout how I won the Masterchef
With canned baked beans on toast.



About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

17 responses »

  1. It sounds as good as anything concocted by professional chefs and displayed on television.

    • Baked beans on toast contains all the nutrients necessary to sustain human life GOM.
      Unlike rabbits. I learned on TV that if you eat rabbit and nothing else you die really quickly, and if it was on TV it must be true.

  2. *shaking head in amazement* How DO you do it, GOF?

  3. Great stuff, GOF! A loud guffaw is the perfect way to start my weekend. πŸ™‚

  4. Fabulous work. I have learnt to hold back on reading GOF until I have time to savour it. Usually the week end. This is a compliment bestowed on one other writer. No prizes for guessing that other talent is Inga.

    Man it must be a riot when you two get together.

    • Thank you Peter.

      When Inga and I get together most other people don’t have the faintest idea what the hell we are going on about……..and that’s a quite special part of our relationship.

    • Thanks Peter, what a lovely thing to say!

      And it’s only a riot to us unfortunately. Mum spends a lot of time belting us both upside the head.

  5. The anthrax would spook me but not that vodka!

  6. Anthrax WITH vodka……now that would get your corpuscles dancin’. πŸ™‚

  7. What on earth is the matter with you? And is it hereditary?


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