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Suffer the little children ……..

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It reflects rather poorly upon me that in more than five hundred blog stories I have failed to present a single literary bouquet of love and gratitude to the children of the world:  the fruit of our collective loins without whom Homo sapiens would become extinct.
(I have a plausible argument in favour of that possibility too, but let’s deal with one catastrophe at a time.)

Human offspring are annoying and ingratiating little people with disgusting habits and unsavoury bodily functions.  Additionally, the antiquated birthing process is a ghastly atrocity which should no longer be necessary in these modern days of genetic engineering and medical manipulation.
Let’s face it, to a large extent we’ve cleaned up the unpalatable mechanics leading up to conception by using bright and shiny autoclaved in-vitro flasks and sterile shrink-wrapped turkey basters but parturition remains an extremely ugly, unpleasant and (I’m told) painful business.

A few years ago some obsequious male came up with the idea of ‘sympathy pain’ as a last-ditch attempt to ease the copulative guilt of his gender.   Good try, but it’s absurd.

The entire reproductive shambles needs to be overhauled.  Anyone would think we are just animals.

The Bucket is honored to be called upon for technical guidance;
1. Reproduction from the year 2035 onwards will be done exclusively by genetically and surgically created self-inseminating hermaphrodites. 
Why the need for change?
Surely it is the height of insensitivity and bad manners to inflict upon another person the disruptive emotional roller-coaster of pregnancy, and an unconscionable abuse of friendship expecting an innocent life-partner to witness the horrendous collateral damage concomitant with childbirth.

Michael, a ruminative local lad, concluded that watching the trauma of his wife giving birth to their first child was “like watching my favourite pub burn down.”  Michael may well require counseling for the remainder of his life. Indeed it is entirely possible that he may never enter another hotel during the term of his natural life in fear of the appalling consequences.

Next comes the vexed question of what to do with (please forgive my use of the agricultural livestock terminology with which I am most familiar) the progeny once they are on the ground.

Well fortunately The Bucket’s Legislative Drafting Service has come to our rescue. Please feel free to suggest any minor changes that you think might be required before we send it off to the Secretary-General for presentation to the General Assembly of the U.N.

2.  In compliance with United Nations Laws of Reproductive Procedures 2035 (Section 23, subsection 4b)  all children will be sent to the Global Obedience Factory at Tombouctou in Mali to be raised by an International corps of wet nurses and benevolent disciplinarian educators.  Neither breast nor rod shall be spared.  At the age of 30, when they might finally begin to exhibit a modicum of maturity, usefulness and responsibility they will be evaluated for possible release and re-introduction into civilised adult society.


William Wordsworth wrote in 1807;  “Dear child of Nature, let them rail.”

Indeed Bill.  Let them rail ……and ship and truck and fly…. to Tombouctou.



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(With apologies to Elaine, …. and all the devoted midwives everywhere, …Oh yes, and then there’s the mothers of the world too, and…..Oh shit, I think I just did something really bad here.)

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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

36 responses »

  1. *Laughing my ass off*
    I have never seen a naked knitted doll giving birth. Amazing.
    I guess I am fine with this plan. My kids are all birthed, on the ground, and have hit the road, never to be seen again.
    So, since you went to all the trouble to come up with this system, I vote “Yea.”

  2. My theory has always been that all children are born brain damaged (or at least with ‘abnormal’ brains) and it is only through nutrition, nurturing, discipline, and environment that those brains develop to be anywhere near normal.

    • You’ve given this subject more thought than I have GOM, and provided possible explanations for the way MY brain turned out.
      I hope the UN recognises your insight and appoints you as an advisor to the African Factory. (They will pay the airfares so you won’t have to worry about that)

  3. Admittedly my mother did her best work in comparatively less sophisticated technological times circa 1940-1970, but she did, nonetheless, come up with what I feel to be a quite workable theory for dealing with the, as it were, progeny.
    Known as the Barrel Theory, it involved the construction of a fair-sized wooden barrel, equipped with food input in the top and drainage on the bottom.
    Sanitary flushing was recommended on a regular basis (with warm water, for humanitarian reasons).
    Offspring were to be decanted when they reached the age of legal independence.
    Fortunately for me, though, she did not produce a workable prototype in time to deal with any of the five of us, and so had, instead, to make do with less satisfactory arrangements having to do with early bedtimes and summer camps.

    • I’m almost speechless Lauowolf. Such an obvious solution provided by your mother, with the proof of The Barrel being such well-adjusted compassionate and insightful children as you and your siblings.
      The Barrel Theory is perfectly suited to mechanisation in the Mali facility, so with your permission I shall recommend it to the UN.
      Thank you for your contribution.

  4. Geez. People like you shouldn’t breed. 😀

  5. Another cracker, you’ve got here.

    Michael, a ruminative local lad, concluded that watching the trauma of his wife giving birth to their first child was “like watching my favourite pub burn down.”

    So many men have said as much to me (behind their Beloveds’ backs)…

    Stop the Madness! This is the 2000s!

    • Thank you Lily. It is indeed time to ‘stop the madness’…..and just to show my sincerity I will refuse to impregnate another female until such time as these new regulations are introduced. Can’t argue with commitment like that.

  6. “a antiquated birthing process is a ghastly atrocity…. watching the trauma of his wife giving birth to their first child was “like watching my favourite pub burn down.”

    See? This is why they used to keep the mens outside in a smoke-filled waiting room to pace and worry for literally days on end. That was still worlds better than witnessing the blessed horrible event in person.

    • And then live it over-and-over again in perpetuity thanks to the wonder of video!

    • Thank you for your support Kim. I’ve ‘done my time’ in the smoke-filled room waiting for the arrival of Inga who refused to take the normal birthing route. She was sloshing around inside the womb holding up placards demanding the more dignified caesarean arrival.
      And there was NO WAY I was ever going to be holding Mrs GOF’s hand during that process!

  7. Well luckily we do have epidurals these days…..I imagine birth must be horrifying to men who have neither the equipment nor the hormones which make pregnancy and birth not only possible but to some women actually enjoyable. Some do it over and over (and over and over and over and over) again, after all. 😉

  8. Imagine your favourite pub burning down……Brilliant!

  9. Where the heck did you find that first photo, and will you please send it right back there? I just had dinner…

  10. “Indeed Bill. Let them rail ……and ship and truck and fly…. to Tombouctou.”

    Hah! Excellent! 😀

    Two friends of mine just celebrated the arrival of a new ‘progeny’. All 11lbs 6oz of it. Ouch.


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