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The kus. (a linguistic snotfest)

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In a country where more than 700 languages are spoken, Melanesian tok pisin is one of the three official languages of Papua New Guinea. The other two are English and Hiri Motu.  Tok pisin is a colourful language which is often used in Parliamentary debates and some of it’s words deserve wider promulgation.

kus   (‘u’ pronounced as in ‘bush’) = cough or respiratory infection characterised by wheezing, elevated temperature and nasal discharge.

There are two common varieties of kus and a third closely-related virus which, according to my medical research, usually kills people stone motherless dead.

1. Liklik kus.  Literally ‘little kus’ which is the common cold.

2. Bikpela kus. The ‘big kus’ or influenza.

3. Draipela mama bilong kus.  The unbelievable mother of all kuses.
There is only one person on the planet who gets this rare strain of kus and lives to tell the tale. Me. It’s an infection of such severity that only a human specimen of extraordinary constitutional robustness could ever survive it’s pathological virulence.
I call it the F*B* Kus.  Loudly. Angrily. Repeatedly. I croakily curse the cosmos for the injustice of infecting a clean-living organism like myself with such a debilitating scourge.

Fortunately there are cures for all three kinds of kus;

1.  Cure for Liklik Kus
One of these daily, plus seven days rest.


2.  Cure for Bikpela Kus
One of each of these daily, plus seven days rest.


3.  Cure for F*B*Kus
This lot in it’s entirety, plus seven days rest.
Please consult your medical practitioner before overdosing on vitamins and mixing alcohol with the medication.


*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *
I’m up to Day 4. Donations of bottled medication will be gratefully accepted in lieu of sympathy.
*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *


About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

27 responses »

  1. Oh no! Please feel better, GOF.
    I will have an extra vodka with orange juice just for yoU!

  2. I’m really sorry to hear you’re sick. I hope you didn’t catch it from me. I’m recovering from my 4th illness in 3 months.

    • Thanks Mike….I am feeling really good today……I’m giving credit to apple cider vinegar which can apparently cure anything from third-degree lurgi to spontaneous combustion . I would have given you top billing in the story if I’d caught it from you. 🙂
      Hope you get better really soon.

  3. I’m told that Bundaberg medicine works wonders, GOF.

    • I’ll only believe it if YOU conduct exhaustive trials Snowy…..I’m not about to trust any old Tom Dick and Harry with my health.

  4. Hope you’re feeling even better now having gotten that little piece of blogging humour off your chest. Kudos for displaying a sense of humour even whilst having lost your sense of smell. Such versatility 🙂

    • Thank you Judy. I’m quite amazed that it disappeared after 4 days. Mrs GOF, who kindly gave it to me, is still suffering. I didn’t even get time to start my medication regime….apart from the Port.

  5. “Donations of bottled medication will be gratefully accepted”

    You mean send wine, right?

  6. The Port may not cure you but it helps wash down the rest!

    Feel better, GOF!

  7. Times like that, I wonder, “where does all that snot COME from?” There’s SO much of it. My theory is that it’s from another dimension, and the discomfort I’m feeling is the result of a wormhole that has apparently opened up in my sinuses.

    • Thank you for adding your astute observations to this post Kim. The world needs some of it’s leading biologists to stop messing around with trivial pursuits and start devoting their lives to studying this topic before publishing “The Origins of Snot”.
      We have a right to know where it all comes from.

  8. I’d gladly send you some cold medicine, but – because I live in an area where meth labs once ruled supreme – I can’t buy the “real stuff” without showing my ID and signing an official government form that says they have the right to kick in my front door and count the pills at any time in order to make sure I’m not using them for nefarious reasons.

    It doesn’t really give them that right … it just seems like it.

    • We’re going the same direction here too GOM. I can’t buy panadol/codeine tablets any more without giving the pharmacist my personal details. When this procedure was introduced, the pack size mysteriously changed from 48 down to 40 tablets, and the price remained the same. Funny that.

  9. My theory is that it is all coming through the innerwebs.
    They don’t call stuff computer viruses for nothing.

  10. Oh dear, I’d better have some port too. Just in case you infected me over the phone.

  11. Oh, geez. I hope you feel a lot better now, we had our own mini-Plague going through the household recently too. Couldn’t stand up for 2 days. Your sounds worse though. I hear there is one little green plant that’s all the rage for curing everything these days. I’ll send you some brownies though the mail.

    • Thank you Emmy for your sympathy, but all things considered I was probably exaggerating a little. The original ‘kus’ went away after 4 days but it came back again with a vengeance after I had to work in the rain one day. It’s almost gone now thank goodness. Just heard on the radio this morning there have been unprecedented numbers of people infected with ‘summer ‘flu’ in Australia this year. Hope it affords me some immunity for the upcoming winter ‘flu season.
      All medications welcome. :-)…….and hope you are feelng OK too after your plague.


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