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Counselling Doctor Fill

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Disclaimer;  Dr Fill and Dr GOF are products of my imagination. Any similarity to persons either living or dead is entirely coincidental.  

Advisory;  Contains explicit psychological procedures and occasional sarcasm.

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Dr GOF;   Come inside my consulting room Dr Fill. What brought you here to seek my professional services today?

Dr Fill;   A taxi.

Dr GOF;   This ain’t my first rodeo, son.  I suggest you answer my questions sensibly if you don’t want this exercise to be a complete waste of time.

Dr Fill;   Sorry Dr GOF. My problem is that I had built up a nice low-key counseling service in America, but suddenly I became so bashful and unsure of myself that I could no longer form definite opinions or communicate with my clients.  That is why I am here today to obtain guidance from the finest practitioner in our field.  
Am I now just a pathetic old worn-out failure GOF?

Dr GOF;   ‘Doctor’ GOF please Fill.  Failure is no accident.  What you need here is a hero. You need to step up to the plate and be a hero for yourself.

Dr Fill;   Then why did you make me sit way up here in this oversized chair so my feet can’t hardly touch the floor no more?
A man cain’t feel like a hero when his legs are a-danglin’ around in the breeze like a couple of  broken powerlines in a hurricane.

Dr GOF;   Hero can wait.  Right now you need to be positioned in that chair as a physical reminder of your powerlessness and intellectual inferiority, and to make certain that you feel suitably humble and subordinate while you are here basking in the aura of my overwhelmingly popular and authoritative presence.

Dr Fill;   (With legs still dangling)  OK, so tell me, why am I feeling so incompetent, unappreciated, unloved and alone in this world Dr GOF?

Dr GOF;   You’re only lonely if you’re not there for yourself Fill. You need to talk to yourself, encourage yourself, lift yourself up and play with yourself on a regular basis. Be there for yourself when you need a best friend.

Dr Fill;   But people have said behind my back that I am a pontificating old sermonizer, and that hurts my self esteem and makes me feel really horrible inside. These days I am just so sensitive to the opinions of others.

Dr GOF;   Opinions are like asses…..everybody’s got one.

Dr Fill;   Except for Elle MacPherson……I saw her once on Oprah and I can tell you that her legs went on and on, way past where her…..oh sorry Dr GOF, I know you’re not interested in distractions of the fleshly kind.  Tell me, what do you see in my future?

Dr GOF;   The best predictor of future behaviour is past behaviour. I’ll bet you never thought of that one eh?

Dr Fill;   Actually I was aware of that. I once saw some long tall Texan dude repetitiously sprouting that phrase when he was talking down to TV audiences….that Oprah Show sure is educational in many ways.

Dr GOF;   Awareness without action is worthless, Dr Fill. You’ve gotta DO something man.

Dr Fill;   So what should I do to fix my troubled soul?

Dr GOF;   Ahh…soul!  Yes.  You have to require more of yourself, and you can’t change what you don’t acknowledge.

Dr Fill;   So what should I acknowledge?

Dr GOF;   Lets take baby steps.  There’s obviously a lot to fix here.

For starters you might just simply acknowledge that you are an opinionated preacher-man who thinks he has the preordained right to force his own bourgeois moral values upon all people regardless of their own culture and socio-economic circumstances.
See. No biggie.
All we have to do is clobber that little bit of self-deception outta your noggin’ first, then we’ll move onto Step Two.

Dr Fill;   Well dangnammit, I’d never quite thought about it in precisely those terms before. You’re only a gnats-gonad distance away from being a master philosopher Dr GOF.  I shore do ‘preciate your wisdom.  Someone like you should be on television.

Dr GOF;   My little sunbeams of erudition will only be available to a select few like yourself Dr Fill…….. in exchange for the sweet shuffling sound of large-denomination banknotes being dealt upon my palm.


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Is anyone still here?

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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

30 responses »

  1. There’s a Pope position open now. With all that “wisdom” you should apply. You’d get a lot more than $2000.

    • Then I could retire the following week and spend the remainder of my days in a special apartment inside a convent full of nuns. Whoopy do. Heaven on Earth.
      Why am I wasting my time blogging. I’m outta here. Ciao.

  2. Excellent, especially if that’s 2k Australian!

    BTW, my feet dangle in any chair (or dunny — see? I’m learning Aussie). I have a box for my feet at my desk at work 🙂

    • Yep, that’s a whole $2050 when converted into your proper money.
      Dangling legs are very useful on public dunnies Lily… don’t step on any unforseen nasties. I’ll send you a hacksaw to fix up your work tables and chairs if you like.

      • You’re always thinking of how to help!

      • Hurrumph! That’s a mere thirteen grand in proper mon-, er, I mean Sterling.

        “…play with yourself on a regular basis.”

        Excuuuuuuuuuuuse me…? I’m shocked. No, really – I am. And I’ve seen it, heard it, smelled it and ran away from it all!!! Probably done most of it, too…

  3. Enjoying myself here!

  4. You didn’t charge him for the surgical removal of his head from his arse? Either you are a caring donator (cousin) to charitable causes (he could buy and sell us both 11 times over with his Starbucks change), or you need a new bookkeeper.

    • I guess I am just a generous old fart when it comes to performing services to humanity.
      The rectal extraction might be required during the next appointment……I think I’m qualified to do the job…….comes from experience of assisting cows giving birth to stubborn stillborn calves..
      Tractor…..rope around calves neck then drive off slowly. (true story…recommended by qualified vet)
      Well that just successfully lowered the tone of my blog. 🙂

  5. I actually had a boss who was a big power broker in Washington. He had an incredibly comfortable cushy couch in his office that was so soft that your knees were invariably higher than your head. Never underestimate the power of furniture.

    • “Never underestimate the power of furniture.”

      I’d never do that Elyse….even though Mrs GOF is constantly demanding that I get rid of my gold-inlaid plush purple replica of the British Monarch’s throne.

      • I’d hang on to it. You know what HMQ is like when she visits the dominions; likes to go walkabout. You never know who might drop in. 😀

        Ahhhhhh, two great nations half a world apart – literally – united by a common head of state. Who else can boast similar?! 😉

        • Maybe Kate will drop in for a cup of tea and a sit on my throne.

          When I was a kid learning about the world atlas, seemed like half the world was coloured red…..the British Commonwealth. Seems Britannia does not rule the waves any more, but whilst I would probably vote for an Australian republic, I don’t mind the royals….they are novel, entertaining and relatively harmless, and it would be a sad loss for the world if all the magnificent pomp and ceremony associated with them were to be lost forever.

          • Indeed. Personally I think HMQ has far more integrity than any of our elected representatives so praise be we only have an elected head of government and not head of state! Oh, hang on – your HoG is Welsh, right…? 😉 😀

            Anyway, politicians are like nappies – they both need changing frequently and for precisely the same reason.

  6. First snake whispering, and now counselling combined with a heavy dose of philosphy. You’re a man of many talents, GOF. Many talents indeed.

  7. 2,000 bucks?! Man, cheap at double the price. What I want to know is if Dr Fill called his wife to walk him out of your consult rooms, or whether he could find the exit all on his own.

    • Judy, we think alike. I deleted an entire paragraph about Mrs Fill because I judged it to be in poor taste. (even on my standards). It’s a shame poor Fill has to be attached to such a dowdy and bashful partner to find the exit…..and when is she going to acquire some nice clothes for a change and get a little dental work done to fix all those protruding and stained teeth?
      Apologies….I’m now plumbing the depths of sarcasm.


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