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GOF’s Olde English nursery rhymes

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This is for my new friend, 6 year-old Tristan Bjelke-Whitlam who attends the Toorak Special School for the socially disadvantaged.  
Tristan recently wrote the following letter to me.

Tristan letter

Dear Tristan,

Thank you for your letter.  I wrote these little nursery rhymes especially for you. See if you can guess the missing words. (I have written the answer below each one just in case you put a wrong word in the space provided.)  Oh and don’t worry too much about what your Mum says. She just has trouble repressing her primal urges whenever she sees a picture of me here in The Bucket.

Best wishes from Uncle GOF.

jumping cow

Hey Diddle Diddle

Hey diddle diddle
The cat and the fiddle.
The cow jumped over the moon.
The little dog laughed
Till exploding cow bowels
Came down like a _ _ _ _-filled balloon.


Little Miss Muffet
(Australian spelling version)

Little Miss Muffet
Sat on a tuffet,
Eating her curds and whey.
Then down came a spider,
Who sat down beside her,
And saw her fat _ _ _ _ on display.



Mary Mary Quite Contrary

Mary, Mary, quite contrary.
How does your garden grow?
“On the corpses of curious people I kill.”
“So who the _ _ _ _ wants to know?”


*        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *

Explanatory Note for my overseas friends;
As a partial explanation for Tristan’s confused state of mind and evidence of my own beyond-repair one, Joh Bjelke-Petersen was a vindictive Christian right-wing dictator who once ruled Queensland, and Gough Whitlam from the opposite side of politics, who, despite his own shortcomings, was the last truly statesman-like Prime Minister of Australia.
Toorak is a suburb in Melbourne where the well-heeled live in mansionly magnificence.

*        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *

About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

34 responses »

  1. I think that explanatory note will really help clear up any confusion. (By the way, I guessed the wrong words. Looks like I don’t know you well enough.)

  2. BWAhahahahaha.
    I guessed the wrong words, too.
    But, that was really hilarious.

  3. I guessed wrongly, too. Tristan sounds like a lad starting things off right…questioning authority!

  4. Oops, I forgot to mention. I think I said this to EMJAY. I had a dream last night that I gave up on the US and moved to Australia (cos I had a job awaiting, my favorite reason to move). I showed up but everybody was SO AUSTRALIAN (dude, I don’t even know what that means…just I was surrounded by people speaking English but in words and colloquial phrases I didn’t understand). What did I do?

    I rang up GOF. You showed up, threatened to box their ears if they didn’t slow down and help me assimilate, then we went for lunch. It was a good dream, if silly. I think MrsGOF was going to meet us later — taking over your duties, so you could go HOME and we could go shopping. I’m hoping this will come true.

    • There’s only 18 hours flight time between a dream and reality Lily.
      Job here for you potting plants in the nursery because I get too distracted by blogging. (no time off for you to go shopping with Mrs GOF though, but I know you have an unquestionable work ethic.)
      We’ll look after you and if there’s any threatening behaviour from anyone I’ll personally go and punch their lights out before skinning ’em live and using their guts for garters.
      I’ve also on occasions had dreams (perfectly innocent ones) about fellow bloggers, one of which included you at some airport a few weeks ago. I didn’t want to mention it at the time and totally freak you out.
      You would fit very well into Australian society.

      • I almost cried a little! I mean like KEWL and WHOA that you dreamt that. I’m gobsmacked. I’m not sure about 18 hours as it takes 9 to get to the UK…it’s 8 to Hawaii, so maybe that direction is the quicker way. ANYWAY, what fun would that be?! Just keep the biting/ stinging things off me, please. I’m allergic to everything. I’d love to hang out!

        • You would absolutely be very welcome Lily. I hope you will be able to make it one day. It is 15 hours flight time from Cairns to Los Angeles.(via Brisbane) Compared to the rest of Australia there are very few bitey stinging things here.

      • And notice, I didn’t pause for fear of freaking you out. I don’t have much of a filter 🙂

  5. Tristan should be truly grateful to have a mentor such as you, GOF. Goodness knows what a confused view of the world he will get from growing up in Toorak. Hopefully, one day he will get the opportunity to live in civilised North Queensland.

    • Tristan is a very confused little boy Snowy and his Mum is obviously devoid of any sense of good judgement. I might go and kidnap him and raise him on the farm here.
      I could use some child labour again……life’s been tough since I allowed Inga to get off her leash and escape through the front fence,

  6. Hey, diddle-diddle
    The cat did a piddle
    All over the bathroom mat
    The little dog laughed to see such fun
    And piddled all over the cat!

    I’ll get me coat…

    Although, on reflection, exploding cow bowels is more aspirational to a certain extent. 😀

  7. Bjelke-Whitlam – now that is some gene pool!

  8. Like Lennon and McCartney – pure poetry

  9. Tristan’s mother needs to learn how to filter what her impressionable young son sees on the Internet.

    I also guessed all the wrong words … although some of my guesses rhymed with the right ones!

    If you ever have a dream about me, please keep it to yourself, lol.

    • Tristan’s mother obviously wouldn’t know class and sophistication even if they bit her on the arse. Tristan’s doomed.

      “If you ever have a dream about me”……..hehe I was running out of unusual topics about which to write GOM. Thanks for the gift. 🙂

  10. Perhaps if Tristan doesn’t get the message you should write him into one of the Grimm’s Fairy Tales.

    • Now I’m going to have to read Grimm’s Fairy Tales….I must have been too busy reading Enid Blyton’s Secret Seven and missed out on it when I was a kid.

  11. Very clever – I love that you have so much spare time ……. 🙂


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