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Gawd strewth mate, they’re back ‘ere again!

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Oh yes, I’m talking once again about Sharapova and Azarenka, those two shrieking and screaming ex-Soviet disgraces to both professional tennis and sport in general.

Well strike me pink, you’d think they wouldn’t have the nerve to show their faces in Australia again after the severe tongue lashing I gave them last year.

Obviously that wasn’t enough, so maybe I’ll have to resurrect my very own nineteen-sixties four step protest procedure which saw me single-handedly stop the Vietnam war, abolish capital punishment, and ensure that more bras were burned than were strictly necessary to promote the liberation of women in Australia.

These two loudmouthed horrid unsporting little tarts swindlers need to be gagged and deported before they distract and defraud any more honest opponents.

GOF’s 1960’s Escalating Public Protest Procedure;

1.  Raise right eyebrow in contempt.

2.  Expectorate with indignance.

3.  Hoist myself up and dangle precariously from the flagpole at Parliament House, Canberra. (Late springtime activity only due weather constraints)

4. Streak at public events with protest message bootpolished on my backside. (summertime only)

Now according to Mrs GOF and the arresting Officers who apprehended me last week during my Stage Four protest sparked by the planned bulldozing of Cairns City Place, I am no longer in peak streaking condition.  I therefore need another failsafe option to deter these two screeching tennis prizemoney poachers from ever coming back to Australia again.

When I was six my Dad deterred me from engaging in all manner of aberrant behaviours by putting me over his knee, pulling my strides down, and flogging my bare arse black and blue with a wooden spoon.  It worked a treat. For more than half a century now I’ve been recalcitrance-free.

You will be delighted to know that I have just secured myself a job as a linesperson at Rod Laver Arena for this weeks Azarenka v Sharapova tennis match. I urge you not to miss it.

You will never again get the opportunity to witness this unique interaction between one linesman, two players, and one tennis racquet handle.

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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

24 responses »

  1. Oh, bring it on, GOF! You’ll earn the undying gratitude of millions of anti-grunting tennis watchers everywhere.

  2. Fortunately, I never watch the tennis, so pretty much all I know about these 2 players comes from you. Keep up the good work.

    • My pleasure to keep you updated on women’s tennis Mike. I might need your assistance as well to hold both of ’em down courtside, but I know you will be prepared to sacrifice your time in the interests of sportsmanship……or not, as the case may be. 🙂

  3. I didn’t realise you were almost a founding father of Women’s Lib. I tips me lid to ya.

    I’m now glued to me set. Well at least for the women’s matches.

    • Yep Pete, I was known as the King of Bra Incineration back in the day.
      Just make sure your telly is on ‘mute’…’s the only humane way to watch these screamers.

      • Heaven only knows why they make that racket?!! I wonder if they’re just as loud, er, in bed? You’d sure know you’d hit the spot. And so would the neighbours! Good call on the mute button. Radio commentary is always much better anyway.

        • Very pertinent point Simon. I’ll introduce you to these two women after I’ve finished with ’em and then leave the bedroom research entirely in your hands……I suspect Mrs GOF might not be entirely understanding of the scientific value if I were involved.

          • That’s jolly decent of you. However, moy Rooski is a bit rusty. And I prefer brunettes. Now, if you could just introduce me to Kate Beckinsale and Rhona Mitra… [sigh] 😀

            • Now you’re getting a bit picky Simon. Couldn’t you sorta get by with the Ruskies by using some sign language and finding your way around the same way you would read braille?

              I’m just trying to be helpful here. 🙂

  4. So, let me get this straight: Your Dad beat your bare arse black and blue with a wooden spoon? And now you’re no longer in peak physical streaking condition for protest messages bootpolished onto your backside? Perhaps those two things are related!

    • “So, let me get this straight:”
      It’s pushing the boundaries of credibility to expect anything to be straight on this blog Lance. I regret that it appears I have a fetish for wandering around with a technicolor arse. ( PS I may have slightly overstated the discipline my Dad inflicted on me) 🙂

  5. If only there were a younger version of you that WAS in peak condition. Someone who ran a “mudder” course …

    You could always make it rain.

    • Oh GOM, ye of little faith. Had you seen my Stage 4 protest at Janet Jackson’s disgusting wardrobe malfunction you would have applauded my ‘peak condition’ at that time. It’s just that I’ve gone downhill slightly since then.

      And I don’t need any more rain…..we have an ex-cyclone about to move from the Gulf of Carpentaria over the top of us today and maybe reform again over the Coral Sea.
      300mm of rain overnight and it is still bucketing down…..I’m surprised the satellite internet is still working this morning.

  6. Oh my! Gotta order up ESPN, stat. I can raise my left eyebrow, is that good enough?

    • Raising your left eyebrow is a perfectly acceptable Level One form of admonishment Kim, and please let me know if you need any coaching to achieve Protest Level Four, or need to have any signwriting done on your back. I’m selfless when it comes to matters such as this.

  7. I’m dead-surprised you can hold this much ire for scantily-clad ladies.

    And also disappointed that your four-step protest didn’t amount to a dance.

  8. I love the grunting-screaming of these gals. I bet they’d be willing to reciprocate the discipline if you asked them nicely.

    • You’re welcome to listen to all the grunting etc Amelie. I suspect they’d ‘reciprocate the discipline’ on me even without any invitation. Magnified by ten. 🙂

  9. LOL very enjoyable reading through all the comments (and your actual post of course). I remember being immensely entertained by streakers during cricket matches in the 70’s – wasn’t you practising was it?

    • “streakers during cricket matches in the 70′s – wasn’t you practising was it?”

      Thanks Emjay, and no it wasn’t me…..I was doing my best protest work in PNG during the 1970’s. There are apparently still streakers at the cricket but sadly Channel 9 have an ‘in-principle’ policy not to screen them on TV. Our world is going to the dogs.
      I fondly remember the day when Greg Chappell used his bat to seriously tan the hide of a streaker mid-pitch.


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