Oh yes, I’m talking once again about Sharapova and Azarenka, those two shrieking and screaming ex-Soviet disgraces to both professional tennis and sport in general.
Well strike me pink, you’d think they wouldn’t have the nerve to show their faces in Australia again after the severe tongue lashing I gave them last year.
Obviously that wasn’t enough, so maybe I’ll have to resurrect my very own nineteen-sixties four step protest procedure which saw me single-handedly stop the Vietnam war, abolish capital punishment, and ensure that more bras were burned than were strictly necessary to promote the liberation of women in Australia.
These two loudmouthed
horrid unsporting little tarts swindlers need to be gagged and deported before they distract and defraud any more honest opponents.
GOF’s 1960’s Escalating Public Protest Procedure;
1. Raise right eyebrow in contempt.
2. Expectorate with indignance.
3. Hoist myself up and dangle precariously from the flagpole at Parliament House, Canberra. (Late springtime activity only due weather constraints)
4. Streak at public events with protest message bootpolished on my backside. (summertime only)
Now according to Mrs GOF and the arresting Officers who apprehended me last week during my Stage Four protest sparked by the planned bulldozing of Cairns City Place, I am no longer in peak streaking condition. I therefore need another failsafe option to deter these two screeching tennis prizemoney poachers from ever coming back to Australia again.
When I was six my Dad deterred me from engaging in all manner of aberrant behaviours by putting me over his knee, pulling my strides down, and flogging my bare arse black and blue with a wooden spoon. It worked a treat. For more than half a century now I’ve been recalcitrance-free.
You will be delighted to know that I have just secured myself a job as a linesperson at Rod Laver Arena for this weeks Azarenka v Sharapova tennis match. I urge you not to miss it.
You will never again get the opportunity to witness this unique interaction between one linesman, two players, and one tennis racquet handle.
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