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GOF’s gift to gastronomy

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Photo credit; LOM

Photo credit; LOM

Cooking in the 21st century has become unnecessarily complicated.  It’s like employing a helicopter to relocate a baby wombat from one side of the Murrumbidgee River to the other when I could have done the same job more rapidly and economically using my slingshot.

After tapping your utensils to the beat of the following gastronomic etude you will be left flabbergasted and wondering  “How on earth did GOF reach this extraordinary level of proficiency in the kitchen with so little practical experience?”

The obvious answer is that I was tapped on the shoulder at an early age by the spatula of epicureanism and endowed with the golden gift of culinary genius, because Lord knows it most certainly didn’t come from spending long hours sweating over chopping boards or peering with hopeful expectation into oven windows.

For two reasons;

1.  Someone else has always been happy to step up to the hotplate whenever my plane of nutrition has dipped to a dangerously low level.

2.  I am an excellent browser and forager of nature’s foodstuffs which don’t require the application of heat in order to render them edible.   For example, Weetbix.

From the beginning;

My Mum somehow prevented the early onset of kwashiorkor and the addition of little gof’s name to Australia’s infant mortality statistics, despite all the wowsers and moral missionaries during the 1940’s warning new mothers against “putting your disgusting filthy pornographic nipples into the mouths of innocent babes.”

I survived by suckling on the teats of  Beatrice, our tolerant, nurturing and productive Jersey cow who had all the necessary Government approvals and documentation enabling her to be a wet nurse for Australian children.

Eventually my parents decided that I’d been freeloading long enough so they dumped me on the doorstep of a residential Agricultural College at the age of sixteen.  During the following three years a coagulation of greasy foreign chefs fed me food which clogged my arteries and cemented my stools to Building Foundation Strength Number 10.

Then came New Guinea and a succession of domestic servants, two of whom I am happy to report were considerably more picturesque than useful in the kitchen.  One school of thought is that I was nothing but a lazy, spoilt and  pampered little colonial bastard, but truth is that I was generously contributing to the local economy by employing them.

For the last 32 years Mrs GOF has been captain of my ship of nutrition, so it is always dietarily disconcerting at times like this when she leaves me alone in my inadequately victualled lifeboat to fend for myself.  There is a real risk that I may founder on the shoals of starvation.

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Australia_Coat_of_Arms

This has occasionally been mistaken for Australia’s Coat of Arms.

It is actually a pictorial menu.

Today I choose kangaroo.

Ingredients;    This scrumptious recipe includes all three food groups essential to good health.

1. ANIMALS.     2. VEGETABLES.     3. MINERALS.

1.  ANIMALS;

Skippy mince  with a subtle continental influence.

Skippy mince with a subtle continental influence.

2.  VEGETABLES;

There are green ones, and yellow ones and white ones and orange ones, and they all get put in.......etc etc

There are green ones, and yellow ones and white ones and orange ones, and they all get put in…….etc etc

3.  MINERALS;

These three products contain all the minerals essential for good health such as 551, 635, 721, 257, 312, Sodium, Chlorine and Potassium iodate.

These three products contain all the minerals essential for good health such as 551, 635, 721, 257, 312, Sodium, Chlorine and Potassium iodate.

Cooking;

One saucepan only.  The use of more than one saucepan, one knife, one fork and one plate is extravagant and will result in avoidable sink-misery afterwards.)

One saucepan only. The use of more than one saucepan, one knife, one fork and one plate is extravagant and will result in avoidable sink-misery afterwards.)

Plating up

The secret to truly great food lies in the process which we chefs refer to as ‘plating up’.   Delicious food like this deserves to be presented with love, care and artistic finesse. Please take careful note of the following delicate sequence.

1.  plate on top of saucepan thus

1. plate on top of saucepan thus

2. invert quickly

2. invert quickly

3  voila....GOF's Roo Stew for Bachelors....bon appetit.

3 voila….GOF’s Roo Stew for Bachelors….bon appetit.

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Ooooh……gotta go. Now in what cupboard did I put my Imodium?

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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

30 responses »

  1. I enjoyed starting at the very beginning of your life, traveling on through to your temporary bachelor starvation level existence and finishing with a very tasty looking meal! Looks to me it was also very nutricious!
    It is making me wonder if you found your imodium, however.

    Reply
    • Thank you Lauri. Now you can understand the true extent of my miserable existence. 🙂 P.S. I lent the Imodium to the PNG travelers….their need was greater than mine.

      Reply
  2. Is that really roo? It looks red enough to be roo. I will go vegetarian when I visit, thank you muchly.

    Happy New Year GOF. Looking forward to your merry tales (all true of course) in 2013.

    Reply
  3. I insist on seeing a photo of Kebba with today’s date on it!

    Reply
  4. It’s comforting to know you’ve been living even more primitively than we have been…

    Reply
  5. I said, ‘holy fucknuts, that’s mum’s blue willow!’ I found it interesting The Duchess allowed you into her kitchen for a moment but then remembered she never ventured there herself.

    Good on yer, that looks edible!

    I know something about that #10 strength foundation … putty.

    Reply
    • Fucknuts indeed Lily….that’s genuine Chinese willow pattern circa 2010……my sort of cuisine deserves nothing less…..except for the times when I can’t be bothered using a plate and eat dinner directly from the saucepan.

      Reply
      • Ha! Mum catches me when she barges into MY kitchen (eating at stove, head hanging over pans), ‘That’s from your Jewish side. Jews eat at the stove.’ I have (yet again) no clue…prolly means her granny did (who was VERY Russian Jew and cooked all the time).

        Mum loves her Blue Willow, yes. She swears it’s worth something. I like my old Philips kettle that no longer stops at a boil better but to each one’s own!

        Reply
  6. So sorry I’d already cooked and consumed my New Year’s Eve meal when I red this. Oh wait, mine is coming back ….

    Happy New Year, GOF. Although I think that by now you are sleeping it off.

    Reply
  7. Oh – this brought back memories – Skippy provided many meals when I was growing up. Mum would put a splash or two or three of red wine in ours – I believe that takes away the need for Imodium …
    Happy New Year!

    Reply
    • Thanks Emjay. Wish I’d known about the red wine….oh well, next time Mrs GOF goes away. I like roo meat……I cook my share and the cat loves his raw.

      Reply
  8. All that and it actually looks pretty good! At least you left out the American staples of fake butter, plastic cheese and Twinkies. Looks like you could add iron to the mineral list as your pan is of such materials?

    Reply
    • I survived for 3 weeks Amelie:-) All our cooking equipment is stainless steel since I panicked a few years back about the possible effects on health of cooking in aluminium pots.

      Reply

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