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And then there was television

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“The Lord saw that man was as a lost sheep in the desert and that his eyes were shrouded with boredom, and his habits filled with slothfulness, so it came to pass that He sent unto his earthly children a kinescope in a box which He verily called a ‘television’.

And lo, the television fell upon fertile ground and within it grew sustenance for the soul of mankind such as The Beverly Hillbillies, Gilligan’s island, Bugs Bunny, John Wayne, and Daisy Duke.”

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House of GOF
December 20  2012

Dear God,

It seems you made an awful mistake.  Television is now almost a complete mind-numbing waste of time for two reasons;

1. Commercials

(a)  If I have to watch one more time that bastard (who has enough testosterone coursing around his veins to start World War 3) trying to sell me “53 stepladders in just one amazing unit’  I’ll scrape the dried blood and bovine testicular tissue off my old cattle emasculator and ensure that the twin sources of this aggravation shrivel up and drop off and render him speechless in all registers except soprano.

(b) There is a plague of funeral insurance advertisements featuring teary-eyed, whining, miserable, depressing and pathetic old actors being paid to give the impression of  “not wanting to burden the children with the cost of our funerals”.  

For God’s sake (sorry God) it is our responsibility and duty to burden them. It’s a lesson in life. We paid for their food, clothes, education, court costs and teenage abortions so the very least they can do is pay for our final barbecue. Besides, they know they’re going to get all the money back after they’ve ratted through our bank accounts and the hanging fern basket third from the left on the front porch.

2. Cooking shows

Oh shit, don’t even get me started God. Why did you allow all these idiots onto my small screen to boil, fry, bake, mash, roast, grill, saute, scramble and whisk our natural foods until they resemble something that came out of the arse end of an indiscriminately omnivorous cassowary?

Given your omnipresence and my appreciation of the finer things in life we both know that the only worthwhile cooking show is Foodie Planet hosted by journaliste culinaire Julie Andrieu.
I have included below some exquisite culinary highlights just for you, to counterbalance all the horrible things that you must see in your daily life as a deity……like pillaging and Lada cars and X factor.

Good luck with the end of the world tomorrow and I hope you will soon be able to find another job.

Yours Faithfully,


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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

28 responses »

  1. She’s cooking something? I didn’t notice.

  2. The only cooking show host I’ve found worth watching is giada de laurentiis … and I have yet to even give a shit about what the dish she’s cooking is …

    • Actually regardless of this delightful young woman who hosts it, Foodie Planet is a really entertaining and educational program as she travels all around the world sampling various food cultures. I’ve learnt this week how rooibos tea is grown and
      produced. What more can a man ask for. (no answer required)

      Now I’m off to find Giada.

  3. “Good luck with the end of the world tomorrow”
    Damn, is that tomorrow? Seeing as how you are so close to him, can you see if you can get God to put it off a couple of days? I have a job I need to get finished.

    As for TV, I don’t watch it live at all.

    • Yep, tomorrow Mike. Get your underpants and suit ironed. I don’t want to associate with slovenly dressed friends wherever we end up.

      “As for TV, I don’t watch it live at all.”
      Well it must be pretty boring watching a dead TV. (sorry Mike I’ve got a bad case of smartarse disease today…I’ve already annoyed a fellow blogger today.)

      It’s well worth checking out Julie at 6.30 on SBS2……her program is a finely crafted combination of cooking and travelogue.

      • “Yep, tomorrow Mike”
        Do you know what time? I’d like to get a good vantage point to set up my camera.

        Ass for being a smartarse: please don’t stop, at least not until tomorrow.

        • Oops, there seems to be an extra “s” in there. Sorry. 🙂

        • The coast is going to blow up an hour before the Tablelands Mike, so to save you the inconvenience of climbing up on the roof again to photograph the end, if you could just leave your best SLR camera in your car with keys in the ignition, I’ll drop by about midnight. You just leave everything to me.
          Trust me. I used to be a Methodist.

  4. I must try substantially lowering my shirt’s neckline next time I cook, since that appears to be key.

    • Rich, unless you’ve been hiding a couple of really important things from me it will make no difference at all how many shirt buttons you undo. 🙂

  5. My parents have heard of #1 a. Having paid for none of that, they pre-paid for their cremation service.

    I suppose I can thank them for that!

    • We get a lot of commercials here which were shot in America, but with an Aussie voice over for our TV.
      There are some very dodgy funeral plans which advertise premiums for over-50’s at $6 per month….what they failed to mention is that these premiums very rapidly rise to $70 month in just a few years. My Mum had prepaid her cremation and organised the church service and it certainly simplified the process at a time when I was not in a management state of mind.

  6. LOL at all of this post and at all of the comments.
    You are very smartarsey today, GOF!

  7. Oh, happy End of the World, also! 🙂

    • I’d appreciate if you ironed your knickers and starched your blouse too Lauri, for the same reason I explained above to Mike. We have to be dressed well for this occasion.

  8. I nearly missed this, and I’d have hated to before the world ended. A masterly performance, GOF. I seldom watch TV, but you just might have reawakened my interest…in cooking….

    • Thank you Snowy…’s never too late for an awakening. Apparently.
      Oh, and it’s nice to have you back here….we’ve been talking about you over at Pete’s Place. 🙂

  9. Cooking shows, yes! If only life came with the “Here’s one I made earlier” spare…

  10. Holy tongue-hanging-down-to-floor, Batman! Who’s the honey with the plunge-neck dark dress in the first collage? And has she got a UK visa (preferably in the form of an “exceptional leave to remain” stamp)…???? 😀

    • They are all the gorgeous Julie Andrieu. Well worth watching in any place you can track her down. Also, quite seriously, her TV program is is a well-produced combination of travel documentary and cooking.

      I’ll be taking some time off from this blogging business, so thank you for your entertaining contributions in recent days….it’s been a real pleasure.


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