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Australiana #1

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As Australia’s culture is inevitably being both eroded and enriched by modern global influences, The Bucket will regularly be celebrating some of the quirky things which make us uniquely Australian.

For example, two nights ago, some enterprising bloke wandered unchallenged into the Darwin Military Naval Base and boarded one of the vessels used for guarding Australia’s northern border.  He then tied up (in a quite civilised and gentlemanly fashion) the one and only person on board whose job it was to guard this multi-million dollar asset, grabbed an armful of military assault weapons, then toodled back into town and vanished.

Now really folks, if we must have crime then it should be carried out in this considerate laid-back Australian way which causes minimum inconvenience and disruption to others.  No need for concern or inquiries. I’m sure the culprit just needed some unique decorative conversation-starters to hang on his lounge room wall.

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And if we need an ether-based aerosol engine starting product then we don’t need to ponce around with political correctness…..we should just whack it in a can and call it   Start – Ya – Bastard.

Start U Bastard

then have a couple of Aussie chicks who scrub up all right to advertise it.

then have a couple of Aussie chicks who scrub up all right to advertise it.

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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

32 responses »

  1. I’m glad you explained the can. Seeing the models and the name of the product, I thought maybe it was some Australian form of Viagra …

    Several years ago a gentleman wandered onto a nearby Army base and drove off with a tank. He was caught, though, because those things are a little conspicuous and are not made for high speed pursuits.

    Reply
    • That thought probably inspired the marketers. I’d actually never seen this product until the bloke in front of me at the auto supply shop checkout queue last week presented his Start Ya Bastard for scanning.

      I seem to remember seeing TV coverage of a stolen tank being pursued by a dozen cop cars with flashing lights and wailing sirens…… at around 5 miles per hour. 🙂

      Reply
      • The name would be too indelicate for America. “Little Johnny” might take up cursing because of the can! (Forget about what he hears in modern “music,” on television, or in video games …)

        Reply
        • I hope we never yield completely to political correctness. The word ‘bastard’ has so many delightful and acceptable uses in Australia.

          Reply
  2. This is what Australia gets for criminalizing gun ownership. Now some yobbo has military assault weapons, and everyone else has nothing.

    I’ll still take that any day over wondering whether someone’s going to wander into a movie theater I’m sitting in and try to kill everyone! At least that yobbo will do something inventive and useful with the weapons… I’m sure.

    Reply
    • “and everyone else has nothing. ”
      I’ve still got my little shotgun LOM……I’ll protect Australia against this yobbo. 🙂

      He will probably take his new collection down to the pub tomorrow night to show them off to his mates and get caught by the cops and then once again “she’ll be Jake”.
      (Shit it’s a long time since I heard that expression)

      Reply
  3. Folks who steal stuff should all be that nice. And so should folks who play with guns.

    Love the product with the perfect name!

    Reply
  4. Glad you’re back! Indeed some of this laid back modality should be practiced by some public servants. Possibly your aerosol would work equally as well :)!

    Reply
    • Thank you…..excellent point about the public servants. They take themselves too seriously and if they had a good sniff of Start Ya Bastard a few times each day we’d all be better off.

      Reply
  5. Best product name ever.

    Reply
  6. I was going to say that it could only happen in Darwin, but when I thought about it more, it just seemed so Australian – and now they think it is an inside job! Do you think someone was doing his Christmas shopping for the family – going pig shooting on Boxing day?

    Reply
    • I agree with you FD….there is something very Australian about the whole episode which adds to my sense of happiness. Some yobbo probably couldn’t hit the beer cans on top of his fenceposts with a conventional weapon, so wanted to try something more fancy.
      I hope there are no future serious repercussions which will require me to change my opinion.

      Reply
  7. Darwin’s a top town. Bet the perp stopped by at the Mindil Beach Market to pick up a box of mangoes on the way home to celebrate his new stash of firearms. Oh, put me down for a dozen “Start ya Bastards”. Do the chicks with the jumpsuits come with the cans?

    Reply
    • I’ve never been to Darwin but assume it’s similarly laid-back to Cairns.
      C’mon Ninja, you, like me, wouldn’t know what to do with two dozen Start Ya Bastard chicks if they turned up on your doorstep.

      But if I’m wrong, would you please post some photographs. 🙂

      Reply
  8. I like the fact that no one thinks its a terrorist event. It’s simply assumed that some one got a skin full and had a brain wave. And we all know how they end up.

    Northern Territorians make the rest of us look hyperactive. Surprised the guard didn’t help him load the ute. Probably would have if he hadn’t been a bit tied up.

    Reply
    • As the event has unfolded it appears that the ‘skin-full’ theory will be closer to the truth than ‘terrorism’. Light entertainment provided by real life is for more rewarding than that portrayed on television. 🙂

      Reply
  9. One of my favourite Aussie solutions was zink (is it spelled with a z or and s?) liniement. To just about any problem, from a mozzie bite to a broken arm. Put some zink on it! She’ll be right..

    Reply
    • For a while we were obsessed with plastering technicolor zinc creme on our faces to avoid skin cancer. My daughter pokes fun at me for insisting that zinc taken as a tablet strengthens the immune system. My favourite liniment is Goanna Oil, although I’ll stop using it if I ever find out it’s produced by squeezing goannas through a roller mill. 🙂
      Oh, and an old-timer who used to live next door to us only ever used kerosene for skin wounds and as a general antiseptic.

      Reply
  10. I do like that all he did was tie the feller up. I mean, here, I don’t think that would’ve happened. Speaking of which, even Papa said to me just tonight. ‘What’s WRONG with people?’
    Well, that’s a bit broad cos I could go on for some time but I asked him to specify and he said, ‘shooting from every direction at night. They can’t possibly SEE.’
    Indeed. It’s common to get drunk and fire into the night for shits and giggles but there are easily ten times as many people out here now. It used to just be the Reeds shooting up the place. Now, we hide indoors. We’ve been out-gunned by the city slickers come to ‘nature.’

    Reply
  11. I am very impressed with your nation’s high standards for being considerate to others while engaging in criminal activity in a civilized manner, and we Americans could learn much from your example. And I LOVED “Start – Ya – Bastard.” since just the sight of it caused me much laughter. 😀 If I saw such a product here in the states, I would immediately buy a can, just to encourage this brand of highly amusing trademarking! Lol! And those Aussie chicks are very visually pleasing to my eye – even though in my opinion, they are overdressed. 😉

    Reply
    • We are very good at bungled security Chris…..and as I thought on this occasion they eventually found some bloke (probably at a Darwin pub) and charged him with Possession of Stolen Goods. Things have returned to normal again.
      Glad you liked the Start Ya Bastard and our girls. You could probably find 6 more who look this good if you traveled around, but always dressed……there is no nakedness or debauchery in Australia.

      Reply
  12. Conversation starters indeed. And those girls, their promise of “instant” engine starts sounds quite considerate, they won’t even be late for work!

    Reply

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