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Sermon on The Sign

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And the Lord didst descend from heaven and alight upon the crossbar of the “H” closely followed by His detachment of divine handmaidens.
He then preached a parable through his megaphone unto the distant horde of tourists milling behind the security gates with their Nikons and Canons pointing toward the HOLLYWOOD sign upon which He was standing.

He forthrightly denounced Tom Hanks as being a false prophet and spake unto the people thus;  “Life is NOT like a box of chocolates.”

“Thou shalt think of life as being like an automobile.  It begins with the coming together of a nut and a bolt in the sanctity of holy design, and from this sacred union of nut and bolt the automobile grows with every passing hour. It’s heart beats, valves open and close, and the vital fluids of it’s existence flow to every extremity, and when the time is come to full term the factory doors open wide and another brand new little bundle of consumptive joy issues forth into the world.”

“And from that very day onwards, it gets older, it deteriorates, and it falls apart until one day the entire creation dies and crumbles back into the earth from whence it came.”

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

Despite the almighty amplification this message was not heard by anyone at all because it was carried away on an unpredicted forty knot crosswind.
God was not amused and declared  “Lo and behold, today’s weather forecasters will, on the Day of Judgment, pay dearly for this ineptitude.”

After reading God’s subsequent press release, the President of the American Meteorologists Association, Michael Hector-Pascal angrily responded;  “This is horseshit!  After all, the wind shear was simply the result of an Act of Himself.  If He and His flock of aerodynamically challenged angels had not plummeted from the heavens with such celestial terminal velocity as to cause a localised area of low atmospheric pressure, then these strong winds would not have eventuated.”

Meanwhile, in Cleveland, Ohio, Joy Scroggs  (here on the left)  was curled up watching the television coverage. During the commercial break she unfurled her long shapely middle-aged legs, admired them, then gently ran an appreciative hand down her thigh, secretly wishing that GOF could be there to do it for her.
The news story of the moment interrupted this delicious erotic reverie, so Joy turned to her housemates and commented;
“It just goes to prove that passing wind and public speaking should be kept as two separate events.”

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

13 responses »

  1. The Fame of the GOF Thigh Stroke has indeed travelled the planet. Elle still swoons at the memory. You don’t see a lot of swooning these days. (Well I don’t)

    • Thanks for mentioning my gifts Peter. It seems you are the only one taking this historical document seriously. Thank you. You are so right. Let’s start a movement to bring back swooning.
      How about you and Snowy scrub yourselves up real good and sit behind the glass at Myer Melbourne’s Christmas display……that should start the ball rolling.

  2. LOL…you are so completely silly. In the best possible way.

  3. Y’know, this makes more sense than many happy clapper pronouncements put about. Coming off a low base I know…

  4. I find you’re becoming more and more mad. I approve this message.

  5. Had to read this one twice just to be sure that I wasn’t missing any cleverly disguised hidden meanings or social messages. Then, after not finding any, I went ahead and laughed, and laughed some more at the shear level of amusing bizarreness posted here! Lol 😀

    Just for one thing that I did find disturbing here… You mentioned in a reply something about “a batch of colorful mushrooms…” If a man with your kind of intelligence and talent is really resorting to such a thing, well I must admit that I find this disturbing and upsetting, because…

    I haven’t had that opportunity for many years, and I’M JEALOUS!!! Lol 😀

    • Thanks Chris…..most people find these imaginative stories of mine just too weird to comment on……the worrying thing for those who will have to care for me in my old age is that all these thoughts come naturally without chemical aid from mushrooms or anything else. 🙂

      • Well, you’ll never have to worry about anything that you write being too weird for me, because I love imaginatively weird stories. It’s when I feel like I’m reading or watching something that is just another formulaic variation of a story or plot line that has been done to death thousands of times before, that I get bored and tune out.

        And hey, I admire natural eccentricity! I wouldn’t have very much self esteem if I didn’t… Lol 🙂


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