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Sermon; Performance enhancement

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In the beginning God created a wheel unto which man joined sticks with a receptacle on top and verily called it a wheelbarrow.

The Lord looked down upon the wheelbarrow and was mightily pleased so he rewarded the industry of man by sending two different wheels for man to build a bicycle, whereupon man himself was filled with joy everlasting and copied the wheels, and made millions of bicycles which he used to spread enlightenment further and faster all over the world wherever the land was flat, and without trees and rocks and nails and mud and rivers.

And it came to pass that the fastest rider of them all was Lance, the son of Armstrong, so the Lord interceded and spake directly unto Lance;  “Thou shalt ride over the mountains of Europe to the east for ten days and then return unto the shade of the Eiffel tree in the west. Unto thee I will provide secret potions and herbs for you to imbibe so that thou shalt be the fastest man in all the land for seven more years.”

But after seven years had passed the Lord looked down and saw that Lance was not humble and that he was filled with belligerence and untruth and greed and desire so He ignored Lance and spake instead unto a faithful disciple who was also a tabloid journalist;   “Pssst,…. God here…….unto thee alone I present this scoop of unprecedented proportions”  following which came the day of judgment for Lance, and the name of Armstrong didst stink forever after like someone elses baby’s poo.


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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

28 responses »

  1. Preach it, Brother GOF!

  2. That had me in tears. Thanks. 🙂

  3. That God bloke can be a vindictive old coot when he likes, but then he does say something about givething and takething away as I recall. Sounds to me like Armstrong was a bit light on when the plate was passed around, and that’s why he got his comeuppance. Serves him right…

    • It doesn’t pay to get on the wrong side of God Snowy….hehe ‘God Snowy’ has a nice ring to it….have you ever considered becoming a deity?

  4. I just fired up the pushie yesterday which included some mods to make it easier on our local roads. My first question to the bike shop owner was “Is there any discounts on Armstrong gear?” The comeback was a beaut, “The price has to go up so he can pay back the money.”

    Seriously though, I’m shattered that his charity will suffer. He worked hard to promote his Cancer support charity and about 100 jobs sit in the balance. I used to follow his tweets (spelt that wrong and the spell checker suggested twats?) and they were very interesting to read.


    • Unfortunately drug usage seems to be endemic in this sport. A lot more weeds need to be plucked out of the garden of cycling.

      My 5 year-old BigW $150 bike needs new brake pads and tyres…..or I could just use Mrs GOF’s bike purchased at the same time which has traveled a total distance of around 200 yards.

  5. I wasn’t surprised at Armstrong’s fall from grace. I had the misfortune to meet him at some Livestrong bicycling event, and the man was an arrogant, self-aggrandizing jerk who barely made eye contact with his fans. My son, who is also an avid bicyclist, was with me at the time: instead of feeling any respect or awe for the champion racer however, he snickered. Later, he threw away the yellow “Livestrong” bracelet he received at the event, saying he wouldn’t wear anything promoted by “that douchebag.” Thinking back on it however, I thought about how much goodwill had been lost by a champion athlete’s stupid mistakes. The Livestrong campaign did contribute quite a bit to cancer research. Now, I doubt if sponsors will want to be associated with a tainted organization, however much good it did.

    • Thanks for your first-hand story about Lance HG……so many successful sportsmen seem to get too big for their boots…….how much better it would have been had he won all his races without chemical assistance and become a humble and enthusiastic role model for young cyclists all over the world.
      Perhaps over time his sponsors will forgive him if he chooses to devote the remainder of his life to the good work of his Livestrong charity.

  6. Shame it is appears to be true. I got one of his books for Xmas – do you think I can get a refund?

  7. You know that he had an advantage anyway … riding without testicles …

    Okay, that’s rude and mean. That’s probably why I wrote it.

    As others have said, I hope his charity doesn’t suffer, but I’m afraid it will probably be the real loser in this case.

  8. So let me get this straight, god doped Armstrong and then ran and told the press about it? He’s a conniving little, duplicitous fella ain’t he? I shall continue to steer well clear of everything associated with him. Thanks for the important lesson, GOF.

    • Almost straight Lance. God just provides the tools and leaves the use or misuse of them to us. Retribution for tool misuse is high on God’s agenda…..normally it is dished out at the pearly gates where people are either loaded into the ‘up’ elevator or shoved into the ‘down’ chute. Hope that clarifies the situation for you. Or not, as the case may be.

  9. Bwahaaaa! Some “herbs”. Are those the kind that make hair grow on your nether regions? I’m sure almighty Lord is casting an eye on that Postal team, too. Sheesh.

    • I don’t know whether the ‘herbs’ have made Lance a hairy man or not. I really should have put more time and effort into research….after all this is a serious journal I’m trying to run here.


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