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Gun control problem solved

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  SMIRNOFF,  FULCRUM  and  GOF.

  Social Engineers by Appointment.

.

The President,
Republica de Colombia,
Bogota, COLOMBIA.

Dear Sir,

We thank you for contracting our company to provide a solution to the escalating rate of gun-related deaths in Colombia and the resultant unacceptable lead contamination levels found in drinking water supplies downstream from Bogota’s cemetaries.

As you are aware, this brief was placed in the competent hands of our senior partner Mr GOF, an experienced munitions and environment expert, and accomplished drinker for more than six decades.

Mr GOF very much appreciated the hospitality which you lavishly bestowed upon him in Bogota at the ceremonial banquet held in his honour.
He says he will never forget the dessert upon which you liberally sprinkled all that icing sugar before asking him to sniff it repeatedly and deeply to comply with customary ritual, and wonders if your chef would be kind enough to send him the recipe and a kilogram or two of ingredients.

We have great pleasure in attaching herewith Mr GOF’s final recommendations for reducing your gun-related deaths from the current annual rate of 50 per 100,000 population to the USA level of 10, then eventually to that of Australia which sits at 3.

It should however be pointed out that if the recommendations are implemented, deaths will spike during the first 12 months to around 10,000 per 100,000 before settling back to 10 in the following year.

Yours Faithfully,

Vladimir J. Smirnoff
Director

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

.

The  J E S U S  Conversion Kit.
(for International distribution)

(Justification Error; Shoot User Sensor)

This patented electronic sensor instantly combines and evaluates visual and GPS data before operating the projectile deflector at the moment the gun trigger is pulled.
The JESUS Conversion Kit (sensor box and 180 degree barrel) comes in various sizes to suit any sort of firearm or military armament.

We recommend the immediate mandatory fitting of JESUS Kits on all new firearms and retro-fitting to existing guns.

Any reticence on the part of current gun owners (including members of the Gun Proliferation for Personal Safety Lobby, that pre-eminent collective of compassionate, intelligent, clear-thinking logicians) can be overcome by offering them incentives such as the following;

1. Free silencers and subsidised ammunition.
2. Free “M U M” knuckle tattoos.
3. Free admission to outdoor festivals featuring various combinations of mud, music and naked tattooed bikie chicks.
4. Free life membership of any extreme right-wing political party of their choice.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

Justification Parameters programmed into the JESUS Sensor which enable normal “straight ahead” shooting.

1. Intruders entering the owner’s home or business with malicious intent.

2. Defence Force personnel repelling a hostile foreign threat, but only whilst remaining WITHIN their own lawful land borders or territorial waters. Imaginary threats do not count.

3.  The provision of meat for human consumption, and landowners protecting property from feral animal damage.

4.  Law enforcement officers protecting innocent citizens from harm. eg stolen-car pursuits or angry ferrets stuck up trees.

5.  Sporting shooters who derive a sense of achievement and/or superiority from making expensive little holes in paper targets or blasting the shit out of catapulted airborne lumps of clay.

ALL OTHER USES WILL RESULT IN PROJECTILES BEING DEFLECTED INTO THE 180 BARREL!

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *  

The Nobel Peace Prize is looking good for GOF this year.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *

Previous achievements of Smirnoff, Fulcrum and GOF can
be found here (unlicenced drivers) and here (rising ocean levels)

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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

12 responses »

  1. You may have something here, GOF. After all, what would Jesus do?

    Reply
  2. This is pure genius! I want them put on every gun in America, too, please. And watch out for those sugary desserts!

    Reply
    • Thank you Lauri…. the desserts are really quite addictive. I’ve already finished the two kilograms of ingredients and discovered lots of new friends who come around to my house almost every night.

      Reply
  3. Yet another super idea! I hope everyone takes advantage of the free silencers. I’m trying to sleep.

    Reply
    • I was thinking of you as well as myself Rich. The last thing we need is all these people shooting themselves and waking us up from our beauty sleep.

      Reply
  4. Yes, but will they eat the intruders? Thereby justifying via the Soylent Green Provision….

    I love the elegant solution here, GOF. Might up the votes on the non-ahole side of American politics as well.

    Reply
  5. “Imaginary threats do not count.”

    I like it. Will save a sh*t load of defence dollars.

    Reply
    • It might also save a few wars being initiated just to gain domestic political advantage.
      (I have no idea how I ever came to be so cynical……I’m quite ashamed of myself.) 🙂

      Reply

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