RSS Feed

Full Colour Aussie Olympics Supplement

Posted on

Full colour

The Bucket is proud to present your only reliable guide to Australia’s sporting performance at the midway point of the London 2012 Olympic Games.

A.  Actual medal-winning achievements relative to predictions made prior to the games;

Three-eighths of bugger-all.

B.  Why;

Well let me sum up the problem in just five words;

T O O    M U C H   B O N K I N G   G O I N G   O N.

At the 2000 Olympics in Sydney, 90,000 condoms were handed out to the 10,000 athletes who were domiciled in the Olympic village.  Four years later in Athens 130,000 were distributed.

In 2008 the numbers were written in Chinese so I can’t decipher them.

One can only assume that in London 2012, a city still steaming in erotic memories of Margaret Thatcher, the pro-rata use of physical contraception barriers has further increased.

Before we descend into discussing the sordid topic of s. e. x.  (there are kiddies reading this….including mine)  we firstly need to discount the possibility that the athletes are just going to innocently inflate all these prophylactics with helium and set them loose like colourful snub-nosed peace doves during the closing ceremony.

Let’s conservatively assume, based on previous statistics, that athletes are issued with nine condoms each. If they are bonking each other and not outsiders, that will equal 18 acts of protected sex per athlete during the two weeks of the Games.
(see, I’ve given this a lot of thought and due diligence)
On top of that there’s all the unprotected sex and disgusting hanky-panky groping foreplay filth and wickedness which is probably also occurring in this Olympic stadium of iniquity.

No wonder Australian athletes are performing so miserably at the London Games right now. They’re all too busy excelling at other things.

C.  What to do about it.

As our nation’s sporting reputation is completely stuffed for these games we should just bring ’em all back home immediately, compensate them with a free pie and sauce and a tube of Goanna Oil Liniment at Sydney airport, then concentrate on the next Olympics instead.

All we’ll need then is some sporting and management genius like me to accompany the team, and enough green and gold chastity belts for all the athletes, male and female, to wear for the duration.

I’ll be in charge of the keys.

So America, China and England, don’t even bother turning up to Rio de Janiero in 2016. It won’t be worth the embarrassment.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *       *      *

P.S.  Oh, and did you ever wonder what the 5  circular symbols on the Olympic logo denote?

Well now you know.

*      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *      *       *      *

About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

24 responses »

  1. Actually, if you wouldn’t mind, I’d like to learn more about this disgusting hanky panky groping foreplay filth, please.

    Reply
    • I’m searching for a willing and competent teacher Rich. When my research is done I’ll happily pass on my wonderful new knowledge to you.

      Reply
  2. Well GOF, you have yet again been a great source of education for me. Thank you. I had NO IDEA there was such a thing as too much sex.

    Reply
    • You’re welcome Mike.
      “I had NO IDEA there was such a thing as too much sex.” You should have learned your lesson Mike when you competed in the 100m hurdles at the Los Angeles Games and crashed into the first hurdle because you were still thinking about your previous night with the German weight lifter chick.

      Reply
  3. I’m blaming Beach volleyball. Changing the game from “six a side” and sensible long shorts to the new T and A version seems to indicate what the Authorities want.

    I’ll be counting the water filled balloons in the closing ceremony and if there are none thrown I’ll assume they have used them all up.

    Reply
    • “I’m blaming Beach volleyball.”
      Right on Pete. I’m blaming it too for my poor eyesight….too many years down on my hands and knees in front of the TV squinting at beach volleyball.

      I commend you for keeping an eye on the closing ceremony.

      Reply
  4. Wait … you’re only supposed to use those things ONCE?

    Oh no ….

    Reply
  5. Never thought of Thatcher as erotic before….but now come to think of it….no.

    Reply
  6. Well having watched the men’s swimming final last night, I would like to nominate myself and my friends to go down to London and take one for the team, so to speak, by dealing with the swimming men, thereby ensuring the sporting success of several women who would otherwise have been required to take up this role. It’s a sacrifice, I know, but that’s just the sort of kind hearted women we are. Saints, all of us.

    Reply
    • Vicola, your selfless and patriotic devotion brings tears to my eyes, and regrets that I am not a member of the current UK swimming team. You deserve to be honoured by your country for service(s) to sport.
      I’ll ask our Governor-General to put in a good word in for you with HRH.

      Reply
    • I’m coming with you Vicola. I’m terribly saintly.

      Reply
  7. T O O M U C H B O N K I N G G O I N G O N.
    Of course, it weakens the legs doesn’t it?

    Reply
    • “Of course, it weakens the legs doesn’t it?”
      Sadly with all this blogging I no longer have the time to do all the necessary research FD.

      Reply
  8. Haven’t seen one bit of Olympics going on. With their athletic bodies, I *would* tune in to see some hot men bonking (preferably not each other).

    Reply
  9. And I’m glad you finally decided to put your real photo on this thing …

    Reply
  10. I don’t relish the thought of pregnant track runners, but diving teams with boners is even less appealing. I think we’ve reached the end of the not-appealing scale, although the bods on these athletes (with a bonus being the diversity of bods) does make me think the world needs more condoms.

    Reply
    • “does make me think the world needs more condoms.”
      Probably several billion…although I guess in the Olympic context, athletes breeding with each other would result in improved sporting performances from their progeny in 20 years time. (My vast knowledge in this field comes from studying cattle genetics) 🙂

      Reply

Leave a Reply to Rich Crete Cancel reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: