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The Skylights Project

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The Skylights Project was a 1960’s top-secret operation designed to prepare Australia for a position of world supremacy in the forecast booming personal computer market of the 1990’s.

Seventeen men and women comprising the finest electronics minds in the Southern Hemisphere were bunkered in a discreet laboratory three storeys below footpath level in Swanston Street, Melbourne in January 1968 when disaster struck.

One of their number, Eunice Hopsteader, smuggled her pet rabbit through the strict security system, into the lift, then down to Level 3.

The rabbit was infected with a mutated and virulent strain of the Myxoma virus. Ten of the scientists, including Eunice, were dead before lunch time.

Those who remained symptom-free celebrated their close shave with death by dining out the following day at Farmer Gramoxone’s Country Style Restaurant just around the corner in Flinders Street.  (Named after explorer Matthew Flinders.)

Six of them were declared stone cold motherless dead within minutes of sipping the vegetable soup which mistakenly contained diced carrots laced with strychnine poison which Farmer Gramoxone had prepared for distribution as rabbit bait on his farm.
(Today Australian Workplace Health and Safety Regulations only allow poison bait preparation in Registered Kitchens on weekends and Gazetted Public Holidays.)

The Director of The Skylights Project, Bill Picket-Fences, was the only one to survive after a quick-thinking cyclist shoved his bicycle pump all the way down Bill’s oesophagus and syphoned the deadly contents out of his stomach and back into the soup bowl.

“My bike pump never did work very well after that”  Wayne Pedalworster reported to the Advertiser newspaper three days later. “The strychnine corroded my plunger like real bad mate and nobody’s offered to replace it either.”

Even Blind Freddie could have forseen that Bill Picket-Fences would select me as deputy leader of the new Skylights Project team.
With a fresh-off-the-press Diploma of Agriculture and an I.Q. of 71, I was assigned the priority task of developing a portable computer memory device with a capacity of 16 gigabytes.

After just 44 years, I am proud to present the fruits of my labour to the world;  The GOF 16GB Portable Memory Device specifically designed for the Skylights Operating System.

So, all you computer nerds, stick that in your USB slots and smoke it. It will be a long time before you come up with anything better.

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The GOF 16 Gig Portable Storage Device. (GOF PSD)

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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

17 responses »

  1. It’s a difficult thing to have me laughing before 6 am, but you did it. Thanks, Mr. IQ71.
    Hahahaha. Love love love the PSD!

    Reply
  2. I’m still scratching my head: “the finest electronics minds in the Southern Hemisphere ”

    Does that include the helicopter’s rotating blades creating wind power for the tractor and what’s kilroy sniffing coming out of his (GOF’s) pipe?

    Reply
  3. Bicycle pumps save lives.
    We can only hope the makers of these pumps develop a teflon type coating that protects again strychnine.

    Reply
    • “Bicycle pumps save lives.”
      So true Rich. The medical profession is very slow to adopt these new technologies.
      While the upstroke is good for stomach pumping, the downstroke provides instantaneous relief for constipation. Not many people know this.

      Reply
  4. Just keep Inga’s rabbit away from it.

    Reply
    • We’d better keep Inga’s rabbit away from everything GOM….it’s probably carrying a benign form of Myxoma virus…..and we know what viruses can do to computers.

      Reply
  5. Wise, profound and utterly moving. The world owes you so much…..

    Reply
  6. OMG it can go up ALL THE WAY to 4 kbps!!!!
    *buckles seatbelt*

    Reply
    • It only gets up to 4 kbps when you put straight alcohol in the tank LOM…..and then it vibrates and shudders, spits out garbled information, and eventually falls in a heap on the ground.

      Reply
  7. So much for my plans of soup followed by a bike ride today.

    Reply

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