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Carrying capacity….one man’s triumph

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(Blame the Finns for this one. It’s all their fault.)

It was never within the Grand Universal Blueprint for every human to be bountifully blessed with elite-level athletic ability.

Some of us got it, but most missed out.

The decision was a no-brainer really.
I’ve been selected by the Institute of Sport to represent Australia at the International Wife Carrying Championships in Finland next year.

My selection does not of course come without onerous responsibilities being attached. Carrying Mrs GOF speedily and safely across the finishing line on my back is just one of them.

Accordingly I have a training support team…. not only to make sure I can complete the 253 metre course in less than 1 minute 20 seconds, but also to coach me to the highest levels of International diplomacy, sportsmanship and modesty expected from one who is destined to become an athletic role model for future generations of Australians.

‘Team GOF’  comprises;

Ten arthritic masseuses, nine lame sports psychologists, eight anorexic nutritionists, seven indolent motivators, six hypertensive cardiologists, five sprightly ex-weightlifters, four eloquent World Championship wrestlers, three foul-mouthed spiritual advisors, two philanthropic financial advisors, oh…. and a morose Scandinavian elocutionist to help me respond in unaccented Finnish when I receive my gold medal.   (because the partridge will be remaining in it’s Aussie pear tree due to quarantine restrictions.)

Because Mrs GOF has refused to be treated like common baggage being humped all over the farm for the next 300 days, the Institute of Sport in it’s infinite wisdom has provided me with a substitute training partner.

Angie.

I will miss Mrs GOF’s limpet-like attachment to me during training, with thighs strangleholding my neck, (please refer to following video for clarification) knee-spurs urging me forever onwards by biting deeply into my ears, arms vicelikely gripping my waist, and breasts flocculating around my shoulder blades in search of support which they rarely seem to find.

It will not be the same with Angie.

The life of an elite athlete involves much inconvenience, pain and suffering.

I will be doing it for Australia.

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Angie

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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

21 responses »

  1. Did I see Obelix there? Also, doesn’t Angie fail the “Inga test”.

    Reply
    • I feel really terrible about Angie, Mike, as you would imagine….the Institute of Sport does not officially recognise the Inga Test, so in the interests of the nation I just have to put up with whoever they lumber me with.

      Reply
  2. Freackin’ hilarious Mr GOF. Mrs GOF must constantly be in stitches, which would be make carrying her all the more difficult. Perhaps you can donate your sporting crew to the Australian Olympic team. I hear we need all the help we can get :).

    Reply
    • Mrs GOF is in a permanent state of despair reflecting upon her woeful choice of partners 30-something years ago….there is very little amusement to be found in the real-life GOF.
      I think I’ll boycott the Olympic Games this year…..except perhaps for the beach volleyball.

      Reply
  3. Fuckin’ A. At least you’ve included me but who are the other two? “three foul-mouthed spiritual advisors”

    Reply
    • I already feel spiritually enriched by your presence MT, so I’ve terminated the services of the other two who really weren’t pulling their weight or swearing anywhere near enough.

      Reply
  4. As one of your indolent motivators I’ll be the one encouraging her to carry you.

    Reply
  5. Who says you’re not patriotic?

    Reply
    • Nobody will dare say it to my face GOM or I’ll swing ’em inverted over my shoulders and drag their faces along in the gravel until they change their minds and apologise.

      Reply
  6. You’re a true triple talent here, GOF! First I was amused by your uniquely funny descriptions of your International Wife Carrying training team, then I was stunned into shock by “Angie” and after I clicked her image into full resolution, I’m not sure where the next 20 minutes of my life went… until somehow I managed to come back, by starting the Wife Carrying Championships in Finland video, which resulted in much laughter. Lol 😀

    My wife has been saying lately, that she thinks we need to do something more imaginative to shake up the predictable daily routine of our lives… Well now thanks to you, GOF, I have just the answer for her! 🙂

    Reply
    • Thank you Chris….it really is amazing what humans do for entertainment.

      “Well now thanks to you, GOF, I have just the answer for her!”
      Afterwards, please let me know if either of you require a cash donation to go towards some therapeutic massages or chiropractors fees. 🙂

      Reply
      • Thanks GOF! I’ll be sure to call you if we need your generous contribution. Uhm, wait a minute… maybe I won’t call you… I just somehow get the feeling that you may prefer a different means of contact. Lol

        Reply
        • Thanks Chris….I’ll keep the cash and spend it on something that will remind me of your kind consideration for my preferences. 🙂

          Reply
  7. I expect to see some special “Mrs GOF cam” after your big win. I think this will qualify Mrs GOF as one tough Muddah.

    Reply
    • I think the only view from the ‘Mrs GOF cam’ would be of my scrawny arse Pete…..probably not destined to be a big hit on Youtube.

      Reply
  8. Carrying Mrs GOF … the things a woman has to do for her man! The poor woman deserves a medal.

    There is always the Commonwealth Games on the Gold Coast… if you start walking and carrying now you might just make it.

    Reply
    • “if you start walking and carrying now you might just make it.”

      If I start walking now FD I’ll drop dead somewhere between the Atherton Tablelands and Innisfail. Sport involves such sacrifice.

      Reply
  9. Reblogged this on 1petermcc's Blog and commented:
    Meet Australia’s Representative for the upcoming Wive Carrying Championship in Finland.

    Reply

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