(Blame the Finns for this one. It’s all their fault.)
It was never within the Grand Universal Blueprint for every human to be bountifully blessed with elite-level athletic ability.
Some of us got it, but most missed out.
The decision was a no-brainer really.
I’ve been selected by the Institute of Sport to represent Australia at the International Wife Carrying Championships in Finland next year.
My selection does not of course come without onerous responsibilities being attached. Carrying Mrs GOF speedily and safely across the finishing line on my back is just one of them.
Accordingly I have a training support team…. not only to make sure I can complete the 253 metre course in less than 1 minute 20 seconds, but also to coach me to the highest levels of International diplomacy, sportsmanship and modesty expected from one who is destined to become an athletic role model for future generations of Australians.
‘Team GOF’ comprises;
Ten arthritic masseuses, nine lame sports psychologists, eight anorexic nutritionists, seven indolent motivators, six hypertensive cardiologists, five sprightly ex-weightlifters, four eloquent World Championship wrestlers, three foul-mouthed spiritual advisors, two philanthropic financial advisors, oh…. and a morose Scandinavian elocutionist to help me respond in unaccented Finnish when I receive my gold medal. (because the partridge will be remaining in it’s Aussie pear tree due to quarantine restrictions.)
Because Mrs GOF has refused to be treated like common baggage being humped all over the farm for the next 300 days, the Institute of Sport in it’s infinite wisdom has provided me with a substitute training partner.
I will miss Mrs GOF’s limpet-like attachment to me during training, with thighs strangleholding my neck, (please refer to following video for clarification) knee-spurs urging me forever onwards by biting deeply into my ears, arms vicelikely gripping my waist, and breasts flocculating around my shoulder blades in search of support which they rarely seem to find.
It will not be the same with Angie.
The life of an elite athlete involves much inconvenience, pain and suffering.
I will be doing it for Australia.
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