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GOF’s Charity Department

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At great expense The Bucket is now being published for your convenience in the marvellous newly-patented green, blue and black Tripartita Format.


2. Extract of key words in the middle here for busy readers who can’t spend more than ten seconds in The Bucket, but would neverthless like to get the jist of it ;

“G’day, private lottery beautiful Megan God take me 59,999 times nine hours stuffed. The end.”


3.  Unabridged text down here for the hearing impaired, and for those visionaries who could arguably be making better use of their time.

G’day. You have reached GOF’s private residence.
If you are one of my highly intelligent, beautiful and/or handsome readers of The Bucket please press “1”.

If you are the representative of a lottery organisation wishing to deposit funds into my bank account, please press “2”.

If you are Megan McCormick and you would like to take me along with you on your next Pilot Guides expedition to the Carnival in Rio de Janeiro please press “3”.

If you are a charity begging for money please press “4”


You have now reached GOF’s charity processing department.

As staggeringly ridiculous as it might seem, there are apparently 60,000 registered charitable organisations in Australia.

If, like you, the other 59,999 chose to interrupt me once each month by ringing my private telephone, my life would be in total shambles.

Please don’t hang up before I present all the arithmetical data in support of this hypothesis. It took me a very long time to compile.

60,000 charities divided by 30 days in the month equals 2000 phone calls every day. Multiplied by 1 minute each, this would require 33 hours of my time.
Therein lies my dilemma given that God rations me to 24 hours in most of my days. This leaves me with a deficiency of around about 9 hours and quite frankly I’m stuffed if I know where I could find that number of additional hours even if I was on really good terms with God herself.

Accordingly it would seem like a reasonable and simple solution if you were to just bugger off and stop ringing my telephone in the first place. This would serve two purposes.  Firstly it would please me to a degree rarely seen in grumpy old bastards, and secondly it would allow me to distribute my charitable endowments as I see fit.

Thank you for understanding.

To return to the main menu please press “1”

The end.

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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

18 responses »

  1. Love the audio version GOF.

    I was somewhat annoyed with one of my daughters for putting me on the “do not contact” list because it created a database that Charities and politicians were allowed to contact. Rather defeated the purpose of a do not call register. I was even further distressed when I received a “personal” phone message from John Howard. It didn’t change my vote but it did mean I pressed harder when voting against him.

    • I thought it would deter charities when I registered on the Do Not Call list. Since I discovered it’s rarely the nice people from the actual charity, but professional canvassers paid by charities to do the phone-annoying, I tend to respond in a less considerate way.

  2. In Australia the “charitable organizations” only call you ONCE a month?? I get called every damned day by the same ones …

    I was going to press “1” – but I’m neither highly intelligent or handsome.

    I was going to press “2” just to listen to you scream when I turned out to be from the “3” category – “GOM’s home for wayward Swedish lasses between the ages of 20 and 25” – soliciting funds.

    • You’re underestimating your attractiveness GOM…..I understand women in Oklahoma find working mature-aged men dressed in overalls extremely attractive.

      Since Australia introduced the Do Not Call Register ….voluntary registration if you don’t want to receive random calls from business salespersons…..many charities respect the wish for privacy and no longer call.

      My cheque is in the mail in support of your preferred charity GOM…..please let me know if they need additional support…..I’m always available to give them a hand.

  3. It’s 60,001 charities but you refuse to give me your phone number…

  4. Mr FD adores Megan too. Re the charities – Mr FD tells them he is unemployed and in need of a handout and would they help him – the say goodbye fairly quickly. I of course am evil, so as soon as I hear the pause while they come on line I hang up. Chairty begins at home after all!

    • Mr FD has good taste. There’s a lot to love about Megan.

      Our main charity offender is Guide Dogs Qld…..previously we used to put spare change into their ‘donation dogs’ outside the supermarket, but now they get nothing because the phone operators can get really pushy.

  5. Stealing my inheritance under the guise of philanthropy. What scum.

    And if you really wanted to help the visually impaired, you should’ve typed in braille. Is that how you spell braille? Braille. It stops looking like a word after a while. Braille braille braille.

    (Be quiet, I’ve just worked 9 days in a row and need to lie down)

    • “Stealing my inheritance under the guise of philanthropy. What scum. ”

      Precisely. Elegantly said.

      I started posting in Braille but the computer screen reacted badly to all the little pinpricks I was hammering into it.

  6. My boyfriend has a good method of dealing with these buggers, he signs up under bizarre names or famous people for each list we get on and the phone calls are hilarious. You can find ways to screw with them.

    I’m on the Do Not Call list as well. But since signing up for it our phone has nearly stopped ringing, which is both a joy and a wakeup call to the fact that no one really loves us.

    • The DNC list here was also a real blessing.

      During the last year Indian scammers have regularly called claiming to be Microsoft representatives telling me that I have a malicious virus on my computer…..they then run the gullible through all the steps necessary for them to gain remote access to the computer. I get a lot of satisfaction going along with them and feeding false info to them……I’ve strung ’em along for 10 minutes before finally revealing what I thought of them in fairly strong language.

      Things old guys do for enjoyment and entertainment 🙂

  7. That makes me 1. I don’t know who Megan is but I bet she’s a Naked Chick.

    I always love your audio posts. God Herself smiles on you, like the tolerant Ma She is.

  8. Although I am not visually impaired, even after being nearly blinded by “Angie”, from the post I saw before this one, I was delighted to listen to the audio version of your post here! 😀 Bravo GOF! Bravo!


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