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The GofChef Cooking Show

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Sir Les

Today The Bucket welcomes senior English Expression students from Sir Les Patterson’s  Finishing School for Refined Young Ladies. They will be attempting to sniff out a few subtle examples of sarcasm which I have delicately and almost imperceptibly woven into the fabric of the following story.

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One of the most magnificent achievements of Australia’s technological development during the last 60 years must surely be it’s commercial free-to-air television network.

John Logie Baird and Philo Farnsworth probably whack their decomposing crania into the lids of their coffins in unison on the hour, every hour of every day, attempting to provide standing ovations for what we have done with their inventions.

101 reasons why I  love commercial television;

(Marry me if you want to hear all 101…’s some samples;)

#11.  Impartial political reporting.

#22.  Unbiased science-based commentaries focussing on the ecological health of our planet and an emphasis on good-news stories whilst doggedly resisting all the sensational alternatives.

#39.  Andie MacDowell is pure poetry in motion as she flounces her bouncy unreal L’oreal tresses in my face nineteen times daily……for the twentieth year in a row. She is the inspiration for my own utterly gorgeous coiffure.

#48.  The sincerity and genuine concern for my personal health shown by infomercial presenters.  For example, it is truly humbling that George Foreman is worried about the condition of my arteries and that Justin Beiber with all his worldly experience has discovered a miraculous cure for my dodgy skin complexion costing just $30 per month for the rest of my life.

#51.  The American chick with the foghorn motor-mouth who urges me to rotate myself back and forth and round and round on an AbCircle Pro machine until I’m so giddy that I will probably need to seek refuge by disappearing up into my own cloaca is such a joy to have as company in my living room every evening.

#66.  The sheer genius of modern television technicians who have the abilty to superimpose advertising graphics over critical moments in a game of football and the dirty bits of movies, along with the magic of compressing film credits down to the unreadable bottom one inch of the screen in order to fit Katy Perry and her gaping massive rampant pustular exploding zits into the top 21 inches.

#99  Shy and sensitive, quietly spoken introverted Scary Spice  hosting Dancing With the Stars and advertising Jenny Craig.

All in all I have only one tiny criticism of commercial TV stations;

They broadcast an insufficient number of cooking shows.

(At this point my dear reader, if you’re still here, it may well have occurred to you that there is a very thin line indeed which separates a higher-education tutorial for girls and………well……
just an old-fashioned rant.)

I wish to address this programming deficiency by submitting a pilot for my very own cooking show which I expect will probably be snapped up for syndication by at least one of the major Australian networks before it inevitably gains global recognition.

The script for Episode One follows…..this is my very own favourite French recipe.

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Dauphin a la Buckeť

The following quantities will serve an entire convention of my blog friends… are all cordially invited to gather around my garden fountain (which features a life-size marble statue of Elle MacPherson dressed up as an Eskimo) on June 31st this year.


One medium-sized dauphin  (at the time of writing I recommend fresh product from the Gulf of Mexico….remove head, fins, tail and all cancerous lesions before filleting)
Seven medium knobs of rasta.
Thirty one fresh unpeeled green gumptions.
Two lacks of daisical.
One large lump of Scary Spice.
Essence of Clostridium. (often difficult to source, but try your local Indian restaurant)

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Marinate the fillets overnight in Bolivian sombrero sauce into which the knobs of rasta have been finely grated and gently stirred.

Saute the fillets lightly before popping them into a Blasco saucepan (preferably with a glaspol lid) then sprinkle the diced (6mm) gumptions and daisicals on top with a clockwise movement of your right hand. Cook in a moderate industrial blast furnace for 20 minutes.
While waiting, please humanely tie up that unpalatable Scary Spice   like a turkey ready for basting, stuff it in a hessian sack and send it back to the United Kingdom where it belongs.  

Plate-up the dish with gastronomic flair (four or five sprigs will do) then drizzle one tablespoon of clostridium essence over the top.

Serve with an audacious racy little Madonna Merlot.

Bon apetit.

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Now if you’ll just excuse me, I need to take a Xanax and have a good lie down.  Please wake me up when Scary Spice is safely (or otherwise) back in England.

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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

14 responses »

  1. Laughing my comestible ass off!
    You look delectable as a chef, GOF. Les, however, is definitely not more. I screamed when his mug appeared on my screen!
    I can supply unending quantities of Clostridium from the lab where I work. Lord help us all.

    • Thank you Lauri. Sir Les, the old lech, would also find you delectable so I hope you are able to avoid him for the rest of your life.
      Feel free to bring a drum of Clostridium to our little garden party.

  2. On our way. We all should be there about yesterday, given the time/date change.
    I’ll even bring the Material Merlot.

  3. Sir Les also gave me a bit of a start in the instant when he first appeared. That’s an unfortunate mug and I hope that he’s kept well away from small children, so they don’t scream all night and seriously sleep deprive their parents.

    Among your items that express your love for commercial television, the one that really stood out for me, and my experience with TV in the US, was “the abilty to superimpose advertising graphics over critical moments in a game of football and the dirty bits of movies, along with the magic of compressing film credits down to the unreadable bottom one inch of the screen…”

    When this happens, it makes me think evil thoughts best not elaborated upon here. But I would truly enjoy knowing just who is responsible… for certain reasons best not revealed in a public forum. Just about everyone I know hates spam when it pops up on their computer monitors. So I can only wonder what collectively giant intellect then logically deduced that we would all just love having spam like interruptions and view obstructions on our TV screens as well.

    Is it really high technology? Or is it just very stoned?

    • Thanks for your views Chris. Not sure if you see much of Sir Les Patterson over there.
      He is one of the characters portrayed by Australian comedian Barry Humphries who is quite frankly an entertainment genius. He must be at least 70 years of age and still travels the world…mainly as his principal character Dame Edna Everage.

      I rarely watch commercial TV any more…it just disgusts me how they find new ways to reduce program content while increasing the number of advertisements. I’ve got more to do with my life than waste it watching rubbish like that.

  4. My, you look good in that tall chef’s hat!

    I also love the commercial agents who insist that I take care of myself with their products, I get the feeling if they had a tangible store location I’d get poked and prodded until I cleaned out my wallet for them.

    By the way if you need a dash of e-coli for that recipe, GOF, I can point you to some local diners here who don’t even bother to wipe off the menus.

    • “My, you look good in that tall chef’s hat!”…….and utterly stoopid…..but thank you Amelie…’s all a lot of fun.
      I just knew my dish lacked a certain secret ingredient when I tasted it……now you’ve reminded me…..e-coli. Oh well….I’ll get some from you next time I’m cooking dauphin.

  5. June 31st… marking on my calendar… hey!

    I agree about the lack of cooking shows. Anything Gordon Ramsey is on, I’m watching.

    • “June 31st… marking on my calendar… hey!”
      Maybe you’ve got a faulty calendar there Kim.

      My ears are too delicate to tolerate Gordon Ramsey.:-)

  6. Ah. Sir Les. Minister for the Yarts. How my grandfather hated him. I thought he was the best piss take ever. (As long as you weren’t sitting in the front row and getting slobbered over.)

  7. I’ve never been a big Sir Les fan but I love the Dame! Barry Humphries is very clever – I saw him perform here in DC – making sure not to get in the first few rows!

    • Yep, I also find Sir Les hard to stomach Emjay…..and very wise of you not to sit in the front rows of a performance…..I’d hate to be singled out for a dose of his public ridicule.


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