SMIRNOFF, FULCRUM and GOF.
Environmental Engineers by Appointment.
3 United Nations Plaza.
NEW YORK 10017
Thank you for awarding our company the consultancy to investigate the real causes of rising ocean levels. We also acknowledge and appreciate the $1,000,000 advance which enabled our distinguished Partner, the environmentally oracular Mr GOF, to travel the world collecting data.
Before presenting our recommendations I must firstly pay tribute to Mr GOF for his conscientiousness in spending unpaid extra time on the waterfront at Rio De Janeiro during Carnivale in February, observing, measuring, and taking thousands of photographs.
It is however regretted that one of your Portugese negotiators was required to travel urgently from Geneva in order to defuse the international misunderstanding which he caused, and to bail him out of police custody.
In view of the attached comprehensive report we are prepared to take no further action regarding Mr GOF’s single ill-conceived moment of social exuberance. He has been issued with an official reprimand.
We have great pleasure in advising the General Assembly that rising ocean levels cannot be significantly attributed to any of the following;
A. Global Warming resultant from increased CO2 emissions.
B. Displacement caused by lost fishing sinkers.
C. Burials at sea.
Eighty seven percent of the annual rate of increase in ocean levels is caused by MAMMALS, especially HUMANS and WHALES.
The biospheric physics is relatively simple.
Average ocean temperature = 17 degrees Celsius.
Average human and whale body temperature = 36 degrees Celsius.
Heat from any object is transferred 27 times faster to sea water than it’s dissipation rate into International Standard Atmosphere.
i.e. Too many humans and whales in the sea = increased ocean temperature = warming of atmosphere and melting of polar ice caps = higher sea level.
Additionally Archimedes Theorum comes into play. Bodies of humans and whales immersed in the sea displace equal volumes of water.
At any given moment there is an average of 23,631,203 humans swimming, skinny dipping, diving, frolicking or wading in the ocean, and 11,000,003 whales doing all of the above except wading, the displacement water from which has only one way to go.
i.e. UP = rising ocean levels.
1. Ban and forcibly remove all humans from the sea.
Since we are now evolved with bipedal competence, there is no excuse for revisiting the primordial brine, slime and froth from which we emerged.
2. Encourage the Japanese to catch more whales.
After all, they only ‘do it for research’, and ‘research’ must surely be a very good thing.
3. The remaining whales which are surplus to Japan’s immediate research requirements should immediately be fitted with ‘rubber duckies’ as a temporary measure to float them ON TOP of the ocean. This action alone will see a reduction in the global ocean level of 7 inches, and make these giant environmental hoodlums easier to spot and harpoon when the Japanese whalers mount their next research expedition.
Thank you for awarding our company the honour of serving the world. Please find enclosed invoice for $2,500,000 being the balance owing.
Vladimir J. Smirnoff
Save the Whales.
Yakuza Fish Factory.
Benny Hinn Ministries.
Brazil Naturist Society. (for urgent attn. Paula)
President, Federated States of Micronesia.
(together with an aid gift of 20,000 flippers and snorkels.)
P.S. …. SMIRNOFF, FULCRUM and GOF apparently have a vacancy for a competent accountant.