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The REAL cause of rising ocean levels

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Environmental Engineers by Appointment.

United nations.
3 United Nations Plaza.
NEW YORK    10017

Dear Sir,

Thank you for awarding our company the consultancy to investigate the real causes of rising ocean levels. We also acknowledge and appreciate the $1,000,000 advance which enabled our distinguished Partner, the environmentally oracular Mr GOF, to travel the world collecting data.  

Before presenting our recommendations I must firstly pay tribute to Mr GOF for his conscientiousness in spending unpaid extra time on the waterfront at Rio De Janeiro during Carnivale in February, observing, measuring, and taking thousands of photographs.  

It is however regretted that one of your Portugese negotiators was required to travel urgently from Geneva in order to defuse the international misunderstanding which he caused, and to bail him out of police custody.  
In view of the attached comprehensive report we are prepared to take no further action regarding Mr GOF’s single ill-conceived moment of social exuberance.  He has been issued with an official reprimand.


We have great pleasure in advising the General Assembly that rising ocean levels cannot be significantly attributed to any of the following;

A.  Global Warming resultant from increased CO2 emissions.
B.  Displacement caused by lost fishing sinkers.
C.  Burials at sea.

Eighty seven percent of the annual rate of increase in ocean levels is caused by MAMMALS, especially HUMANS and WHALES.

The biospheric physics is relatively simple.

Average ocean temperature = 17 degrees Celsius.
Average human and whale body temperature = 36 degrees Celsius.
Heat from any object is transferred 27 times faster to sea water than it’s dissipation rate into International Standard Atmosphere.

i.e. Too many humans and whales in the sea = increased ocean temperature = warming of atmosphere and melting of polar ice caps = higher sea level.

Additionally Archimedes Theorum comes into play. Bodies of humans and whales immersed in the sea displace equal volumes of water.

At any given moment there is an average of  23,631,203 humans swimming, skinny dipping, diving, frolicking or wading in the ocean, and 11,000,003 whales doing all of the above except wading, the displacement water from which has only one way to go.
i.e. UP = rising ocean levels.


1. Ban and forcibly remove all humans from the sea.
Since we are now evolved with bipedal competence, there is no excuse for revisiting the primordial brine, slime and froth from which we emerged.  

2. Encourage the Japanese to catch more whales.
After all, they only ‘do it for research’, and ‘research’ must surely be a very good thing.

3. The remaining whales which are surplus to Japan’s immediate research requirements should immediately be fitted with ‘rubber duckies’ as a temporary measure to float them ON TOP of the ocean. This action alone will see a reduction in the global ocean level of 7 inches, and make these giant environmental hoodlums easier to spot and harpoon when the Japanese whalers mount their next research expedition.

Thank you for awarding our company the honour of serving the world. Please find enclosed invoice for $2,500,000 being the balance owing.

Yours Faithfully,

Vladimir J. Smirnoff

c.c.   Greenpeace.
Save the Whales.
Yakuza Fish Factory.
Benny Hinn Ministries.
Brazil Naturist Society. (for urgent attn. Paula)
President, Federated States of Micronesia.
(together with an aid gift of 20,000 flippers and snorkels.)


P.S. …. SMIRNOFF, FULCRUM and GOF apparently have a vacancy for a competent accountant.


About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

28 responses »

  1. mikedashwarrendotnet

    It’s good to see that when you and Mr. Smirnoff get together the world can be saved yet again. Thank you both, and of course, Mr. Fulcrum.

    • Thank you Mike….it is of course primarily Mr Smirnoff and myself who do most of the work. Mr Fulcrum does however contribute to our projects with some points of balance.

  2. A profound and wise piece of research that in years to come will be seen as the benchmark for future climate change action.

    • Thank you gingerfightback. On behalf of Mr Smirnoff and Mr Fulcrum I thank you for recognising academic and scientific excellence.

  3. I love the post and the art work 🙂

  4. I understand the target on the bastard whale but why is his belly full of camels?

  5. “Social exuberance,” eh?

  6. There are too many people and not enough whales. Can’t we ask some of the humans to leave the planet, nicely? What about Newt Gingrich’s moon colony program?

    • Excellent point HG. I’ve blogged previously about culling and restricting the human population…..strangely enough my ideas have never gained ,much traction……I’ve got a few Aussie selections if Newt is short on volunteers for the moon program.

  7. Bahahaha. What a belly laugh.
    And the artwork.
    You know, your humor is at least as sensible and factual as 98% of the pollies’ completely serious suggestions.
    I hope you get that remaining 2.5 mill. And send Mr. Smirnof my way! 😀

    • Thanks Lauri….if I get the 2.5 million I’m going to give you half because you’re such a nice person. Mr Smirnoff is a 25 year-old blonde bodybuilder worth millions…..not the sort of person you could possibly be interested in.

  8. I refuse to believe any of this until I see ALL the photographic evidence of human invasion of the coastal waters of Brazil and have had ample time to carefully examine each one.

  9. Wait a minute! WAIT JUST A MINUTE! The rising ocean levels is caused by global warming that is caused by cow flatulence. Sheesh. Everybody knows that.

  10. You forgot to factor in the current skyrocketing obesity for the displacement of water. My behind for example could cause a tsunami right now.

    • Not to be disgusting (but …), the research also doesn’t take into account the aging population and the resulting incontinence. More warm “liquid” going into the ocean, lol.

      (And this is why I avoid swimming pools).

      • I think you guys are making fun of my serious scientific endeavours here……I’ll bet Albert and Sir Isaac didn’t have to put up with this sort of thing. 🙂

    • Maybe Seinfeld would suggest that there are good tsunamis as well as bad tsunamis, but as a gentleman I choose not to comment at all on your behind Amelie.

  11. Since I really love to swim in and under the ocean, I propose that we still allow humans in the ocean – except for the humans who have let themselves go so badly, that they look like human whales. With their excessive water displacement due to excessive girth, these human whales should be the ones that are beached, as this is only fair, instead of punishing the rest of us, who don’t look like Moby-Dick.

    • You and your good wife have been granted “Swimming Exemptions” Chris.
      You will however be required to wear a special magnetic swimming costumes which will automatically repel you from the jaws of the Swimmer-Skimmer barge.

      Your modifying influences are most welcome around here….things tend to get a little draconian at times.


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