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A little prayer from GOF

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Dear God,

Tonight as I lay me down to sleep I give thanks for all that you have provided in my life and apologise for all those times when I believed that you never existed.

I am grateful for the air which you have given me to breathe, and for the carbon monoxide with which it is laced whenever I go into town.

It is with astonishment and wonder that I observe your 20,000 strong colony of flying foxes resident in the big trees outside the Cairns City Library, and at the sheer volume of excrement and regurgitated offerings produced by them which stained my very best town shirt and pants yesterday and began eroding the paintwork on my ute which was verily parked beneath these trees.

Thank you for all the birds, including those whose morning and evensong bookend my days, but mostly for the hundreds of others who had migrated from all the continents on Earth and were cavorting in the briefest of bikinis last Sunday afternoon completely filling the two acres of lawns surrounding the Cairns Lagoon swimming pool.
You fooled me into believing that I had suddenly gone to heaven you crafty old devil.

I know that you are not a vengeful God…..except for those times when you unleashed lightning bolts upon delinquent golfers who were frittering their lives away by wandering around aimlessly after little white balls……however;

Please cast your omnipotent eyeball upon my old “guaranteed weatherproof” satellite internet outdoor unit. (ODU)

ODU

You see God, (Oh silly me, of course you can see) the water from the ODU migrates down the inside of 7 metres of coaxial cable filling up my modem before dribbling out onto the carpet of my office making Mrs GOF believe that I have become prematurely incontinent.

This is the 8th time in 4 years that I’ve had to completely replace all my electronic hardware  which leaves me without internet access for 2 weeks every time and I don’t need to remind you that on the scale of world calamities this is right up there with the biggest of ’em, so could you possibly arrange some retribution on my behalf for the equipment manufacturers?

Maybe a jolly good smiting around the head with some sort of large fish if you have any left over from your creation days or an artificially induced famine in the ODU’s country of origin if you have a few minutes to make all the food miraculously disappear from the shelves of their supermarkets.

Anyway, it’s probably not up to me to advise you in regard to Almighty Interventionist Policy, so please email me a couple of pictures of whatever you see fit to do so I can keep The Bucket’s tolerant readers fully informed.  Thank you.

Goodnight God,

GOF

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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

27 responses »

  1. We want GOF and his connections safe. GoLfers, hmmmmm… It is such a slow boring game.

    Reply
    • I think God probably got bored with watching golf too Elyse and just wanted to send an electrical charge up the players arses to speed things up. Problem is he seems to have misjudged the voltage required to achieve this well-intentioned improvement.

      Reply
  2. The Lord moves in mysterious ways indeed, GOF. Was wondering where you’d got to. Rumour was that you’d eloped with Elle but I knew that couldn’t be true. She told me that if she was going to elope with anyone it would be me. Well, she didn’t exactly say that. One of those psychic people told me that’s what Elle had in mind. It seemed perfectly reasonable to me. Funny she hasn’t answered any of my emails. Playing hard to get I expect…

    Reply
    • AHAAA! So I have a rival! How about pistols at 50 yards to resolve this impasse Snowy……or perhaps we could share…..in fact I seem to have forgotten why I ever wanted her in the first place. She might start replying to your emails if you changed the “Destitute Septuagenarian seeks your hand and whatever else in marriage” title to something a little more romantic……not that my track record of email responses from her is much better than yours…….ask Mrs Snowy…..she’ll have a more sensible answer for you.

      Reply
  3. Sure … blame the “water” on the floor on God …

    There’s not a way to weather-seal the cable? (I think I already know the answer to this, which is why I cancelled our cable TV service 13 years ago).

    Maybe you just ought to stock up on replacement parts. Inga doesn’t need that huge estate anyway.

    Reply
    • “Sure … blame the “water” on the floor on God …”

      Hey, it was God’s holy water….mine’s different….you need details?

      I don’t know why they can’t waterproof everything…..as you can see in the picture I have covered most of the unit with a PVC pipe sleeve which solves most of the cable problems……I’d stock up on a spare ODU and modem except the repair technician tells me they cost roughly $1000 each……at the moment the replacements are free of charge under Australia’s rural internet subsidy program, so I’m not complaining too loudly.

      Reply
  4. I think you need one of those giant dishes that links to a US military communications satellite. The Pentagon will probably freak out and think some terrorist or espionage hacker is trying to break into their computer system, but for a while at least you’ll have the best internet reception in Australia.

    As for the bats and the birds, you’re on your own. I think satellite dishes tend to attract them, so you’d have to get one of those sonic “scarecrows” that sends silent signals into the ears of our fellow creatures and shoos them away. I don’t think it works on human beings however, so the bikini’d ones are safe.

    Reply
    • Shhhhh you almost blew my cover there HG…..the Pentagon pays me the trifling sum of $2 million every year to be it’s eyes and ears in Northern Australia. I just write all this rubbish in The Bucket to put enemy agents off my scent.

      As the majority of bat crap seemed to end up on MY car and not others parked nearby, I took this to be a message that God has his eye on me…..not as drastic a message as a lightning bolt, but nevertheless I think I need to smarten up my act.

      Reply
  5. I thought you were having your annual non-solar issues or down at Phillip Island watching Inga do the Tough Muddah.

    Reply
    • It started off with bad weather and finished with the equipment failure Pete.

      Mrs GOF is in Melbourne at the moment making any repairs to Inga that might be required following her involvement in the Tough Muddah race.

      Reply
      • I hope Inga had a ball. She wasn’t one of those who painted themselves blue was she?

        Reply
        • I’m hoping we’ll see some pictures on her blog soon…..I believe some sort of fancy dress was involved……there was apparently some blue when her body temperature plummeted after leaping into the pool of ice.

          I’m sure she had a great time and I am very proud of her for participating in something very much out of the normal human comfort zone.

          Reply
  6. Now to be fair to the almighty, he only smote the golfers to make things a bit more exciting on the green. It’s such a boring game that he thought they’d get more kicks if there was a frisson of danger, the possibility that maybe you’d take your swing and get blasted by a bolt from above. And really, natural selection wants to be weeding out the people who’ll stand in the middle of an open field in a thunderstorm wafting a lightening rod about their heads, preferably before they have a chance to breed. Best of luck sorting out the premature incontinence problem. Or the electronics.

    Reply
    • Quality comment….thank you Vicola…..I’m recommending that you be appointed Natural Selection and Sporting Advisor for the Almighty One.

      Thank you also for your concern for my incontinence….It’s nice to know someone cares.

      Reply
  7. Good lord. You should NOT have to put up with that. Will they replace the ODU at least?

    Reply
    • Australia has a wonderfully generous satellite internet equipment subsidy for rural folk……the gear has been replaced free of charge. (for the 8th time) I don’t know how the internet provider makes much money …..I only pay $30 month, and the cost of replacement equipment and repair technicians over the 4 year period must have been at least $10,000. I guess the gear is not designed to survive with all our rain.

      Reply
      • I bet if they updated their equipment for this century, they’d spend a lot less money on repairmen!

        Reply
        • Apparently this is the best they’ve got for the ipstar satellite….must admit the clear plastic cover on the replacement ODU this time looks a lot more substantial and waterproof…..time will tell.

          Reply
  8. Hi GOF, thanks for your visit, i see i’m in your blogroll so i’ll add you to mine right away.

    Reply
    • Thank you Mr Pensioner for visiting my humble Bucket, and for including me in your blogroll. You are essential reading for me.with the email subscription.

      Reply
  9. Oh cripes, what a pain in the ass. I just love these “waterproof” claims we’re always hearing about. Although if you talk to most human beings, bats (and pigeons) are NOT considered beings of God. 😉

    Reply
    • There are several flying-fox rescue groups around here which nurse injured or sick (mainly tick fever) animals back to health, but their good work is probably neutralised by the farmers who need to control f-f populations in order to make a living.
      I must admit they do look rather cute with faces a little like puppy dogs (the f-f’s, not the farmers) so I think that God should be given some credit if indeed he did create them.

      Reply
  10. I probably already bored you with my story of the guy I saw on tv who was killed by lightning while playing cricket, right? Don’t mind me, I’m getting senile and repeating myself.

    Reply
    • You’ve never told me that story Amelie…..must be a rare event because cricketers leave the field at the first sign of rain because the pitch surface is usually specially prepared grassed clay which has to be covered and protected from moisture……unless it was a bush cricket match where they play on a concrete strip covered with matting. Sorry….too much detail? If anyone starts me on the topic of cricket it’s hard to get me to shut up. 🙂

      Reply
  11. Praise the Lord I am back amongst the land of the “Receiving Updates from WP in my email”.
    Lol at “omnipotent eyeball”. I’m going to use that. The phrase and the eyeball.

    I’m so glad your internet is fixed and Oz is so generous, unlike some countries I could think of. *Gives the hairy eyeball to the US of A”.

    Prematurely incontinent?

    Reply
    • Thanks Lauri…..I’m not sure at what age incontinence should be judged to be NOT premature……stick with this blog for a few more years and we’ll find out.

      Australia has a good track record subsidising communications for rural communities.

      When we applied to have the phone connected to our remote property 28 years ago Telstra brought in an enormous D8 bulldozer to clear an 8 km long swathe through the rainforest and lay the cable 1 metre underground. It probably cost at least $20,000 but the Govt had a policy of charging the same connection fee as people in town…..from memory $160.

      Reply

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