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Let the revolution begin.

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There are several proven techniques used by successful bloggers to encourage loyal readership.

This is not one of them.
(and herein also lies a valuable political lesson.)

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OK. I’ve had a gutful of Australia’s political representatives at the moment. The whole freakin’ lot of ’em, State and Federal.
With elections imminent they are behaving like recalcitrant schoolyard hooligans with as much vision for the long-term future as Bruce the Brahman bull sniffing cows on heat.

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Ladies and Gentlemen, you are herewith invited to participate in;

GOF’s BLOODLESS COUP   (did you get that Mr CIA and ASIO?)

I’ve scoured the world searching for the most distinguished, good-looking, and talented people, the cream of the human intelligentsia crop, to govern Australia by appointment, seeing as all these other elected egocentric incompetents have lost any semblance of credibility.

Your Remuneration Package;   $1 million p.a.
There are only two novel concepts requirements;

1. Party Politics is banned. You will use YOUR OWN brains, and implement YOUR OWN decisions, and be totally responsible for the consequences, in contrast to past practices.

2. You are in this for the long haul….perform accordingly with a LONG-TERM vision for Australia’s future.
(the priority is always AUSTRALIA’S future and not YOUR future.) .


Snowy                                Prime Minister    
Inga                                      Treasurer and Minister for Aged. 
(gossip-mongers mentioning ‘nepotism’ will be publicly flogged)
Flamingo Dancer             Minister for Education and Womens affairs.
Peter McC                           Minister for Religion and envoy to Vatican.
Amelie                                 Minister for Sustainability and Environment.
GOM                                      Minister for Industry and National Security.
Lauri                                     Minister for Communication and Animals.
Kimmy                                 Minister for Science and Literature.
Hangaku Gozen                Minister for the Arts and Culture.
Rich                                      Minister for Small Business.
Brad                                     Minister for Tourism and Tropical Affairs.
Ninja                                   Minister for Aviation.
Koan 911                           Minister for Foreign Affairs.
MadTante.                        Minister for Agriculture and Main Roads.
Emjay                                 Special envoy Washington/UnitedNations.
Vicola                                 Head of Diplomatic Services.
Elyse                                   Attorney General.
Drude                                 Chief of European Liaison.
LOM                                    National Archivist and photographer.
Angry MAW                     Minister for Health.
Mike                                    Minister for Technology and Music.
AuntieB                             Minister for Commerce.
Mrs GOF                            Minister for Psychological services.

Now that’s one extremely competent and colourful Government.

God speed and I wish you all wisdom in your deliberations.

Effective immediately, all communications, complaints and debate regarding omissions or allocation of portfolios should be directed to the Prime Minister.

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Meanwhile I’ve commandeered Fitzroy Island, and under the executive powers I just conferred upon myself have renamed it;
The Republic of GOFLAND.   Population; 1

And if anyone’s looking for the Wild Turkey or Bundaberg Rum Distilleries, I’ve now got both of ’em relocated on my island nation.

The childish and pathetic behaviour of politicians in this country, and the unmitigated pre-election bullshit being served up by candidates is enough to drive a man to drink.


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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

59 responses »

  1. Brilliant! How about we have our cabinet meetings on GOFland?
    I’ll be there as soon as I can!

    (I must say that politics the world over is going down a slippery slope into a solar system sized toilet)

  2. As soon as I get my first payment I’ll be on my way. Should I be looking for mail from you or Inga?

    (If I’m going to have to relocate to Australia I’ll have to practice standing on my head to acclimate to being on the other side of the world … so even after payment arrives it may take a while).

    • “As soon as I get my first payment I’ll be on my way.”
      Sorry to have to introduce another novel concept GOM. Work BEFORE Pay.
      Life is tough in the Antipodes.

      You don’t have to learn to stand on your head. As you will be aware your vertical position in relation to the centre of the earth is due to MAGNETISM. Just send me $250 and I’ll send you The Bucket’s Automatic Human Magnetism Reverser….put it in your pocket and as soon as you cross the equator it will instantly change your magnetic polarity and you’ll hardly notice any difference.

  3. But…but…I’m not an Australian citizen. That’s important, isn’t it?

    I’d be honored to serve, though I think I’d probably break the budge by ordering that there be at least once a month free admission to the museums and government-funded operas and theaters. I know it’s expensive to operate these places, but I think if they’re going to accept government (aka taxpayer) funds, they should open their doors to the people who can’t afford $10 to $15 for admission.

    [steps off of soapbox]

    • “break the BUDGET” I don’t know what happened to the damn T key on my computer.

    • We’re not going to be constrained by trivialities such as citizenship HG.
      Best person for the job gets it.
      Popularity should not be a consideration when making management decisions… do whatever you think is right and there will be few budget restraints…..Australia is digging more big holes in the ground to extract raw materials for China than anywhere else on earth. If we do temporarily run short of funds it might necessitate staging a couple of nude operas until money starts flowing again.

  4. Woohooo!!!
    As Chief of European Liaison, I think I would need to spend the northern summer in Europe, and the southern summer in Australia… and give winter a miss alltogether from now on forward. I would also need to know a lot more about Australia before I could be of any use in the Australian executive government. I count on you, GOF, to give us a brief summary of all things Australian to start with!

    • We’re both excited Drude. Knowledge of Australia is less important than common sense and conscientiousness. All you really need to know is that the word ‘Australian’ is pronounced “Strine”…..and that small amounts of anything are “poofteenths”.

      Gofland will be available for you whenever you need a break from your northern winter and the heavy workload which this job will entail.

      • Do I hear ya right, that I jus need to know a poofteenth of Strine… and I’ll be awright in the guvment?

        I think I will work on getting an electromagnetic elevator installed through the middle of earth.. it would be SO much faster than flying all the way around, wouldn’t it…. I think we can use gravity to pull us a bit past the halfway point, it shouldn’t cost too much energy either. We just need to measure up accurately… it probably wouldn’t be good if we ended up tunneling into the arctic or antarctic oceans somewhere instead of dry land….. or slightly humid land….

        • “Do I hear ya right, that I jus need to know a poofteenth of Strine… and I’ll be awright in the guvment?”

          Superb Drude. You are now on the short list for promotion to Prime Minister if Snowy doesn’t take his job seriously.

          PS. Shovel and ice pick iarein the mail for you to start digging the tunnel.

  5. The politics media coverage has officially become more irritating than the AFL coverage, and that’s saying something. ‘Schoolyard hooliagans’ is exactly right.

    Excellent choices for your ministerial positions. Thank you for my appointment – I’d like to begin my tenure by pointing out that an discrepancies in your monthly paycheques is merely withholding tax, and is in no way related to my new Bugatti Veyron.

    Also, I’ll be humanely euthanasing all our citizens over the age of 60 – please take a cookie and form a queue to the left.

    • “Also, I’ll be humanely euthanasing all our citizens over the age of 60 – please take a cookie and form a queue to the left.”

      Please acknowledge receipt of my urgent email sent two minutes ago titled

    • Ack! Only 4 more years to go!

      • You’d better make that trip to Australia before 2016 Lauri……..she’ll probably have a guillotine installed at every International airport in the country.
        Show your passport to Customs…….over 60? Please place your head through that little hole in the wall Sir/Madam. Thank you. WHOOMPAH……..THUMP.

        • But they’ll get a cookie first! Stop painting me as some kind of heartless, insane monster, and come have a nice drink of Kool Aid.

          • Waste of cookies….where’s your fiscal responsibility! 🙂

          • You know, just slip the “medicine” in all that hootch they’re so intent on drinking and they’ll never know a thing …

            • You’d better squeeze your Australian trip in during the next few years too GOM, before it’s compulsory for over-60 non-drinking tourists to have a sip of Globet’s Precautionary Cough Syrup at the airport.

              • Why do you think I’ve not even applied for a passport yet? Well, there’s also this little thing about planning the invasion of a small island off the coast. Seems some lunatic has gone rogue there. Thanks to ‘someone’ appointing me as Minister of Security I can squash that threat quickly.

                • You’re very wise….everything considered I’d avoid the Southern Hemisphere altogether …..stay where you are and dispatch unmanned Drones to enforce your authority.

  6. I humbly accept the position of Minister of Small Business. Do I get a cool hat? I think I could do a far more effective job if I got a cool hat.
    My first order will be Every Day Is $1 Beer Day.
    The second: Buy One Get One Free on All Top Shelf Hooch For Cabinet Members!

    • Cool Ministerial Hat is in the mail Rich. Will you be wearing anything else, or just a hat?
      Everyone’s first port of call in this Government seems to be the drinks cabinet.
      Oh well, I guess some traditions should be maintained.

  7. I’m SO honored! As Australia’s new Minister of Science and Literature, my first official act will be… to fetch a stiff drink. There’s a great tradition of drinking amongst writers and scientists alike. Must keep up appearances, you see.

  8. You know that laugh of mine you like? It was just cast upon unexpecting coworkers.

    You have done well, Minister/ PM/ Beloved Leader in your appointments!

    • Love that laugh MT……and in response to your “Beloved Leader” comment you are in the running for a promotion to the position of Treasurer and Minister for Aged unless the incumbent immediately reverses her “compulsory euthanasia for over 60’s” policy.

  9. Looks pretty good to me…..except choice for PM. He’s a renowned dickhead. Trust me, I’ve known him for over seventy years…

    • Being a dickhead has never prevented appointment to senior management positions in Government or private enterprise…..or stopped a certain blogger making up this bloody stupid nonsense in the first place.

      • True, dickheadism could almost be classed as an essential quality for a leader these days. However, if I accept the position I insist we bring some dignity and decorum to this cabinet, and that I henceforth be known as the Hon, Richard Cranium.

        • In light of that, your first philosophical pronouncement, I’m prepared to skip the ‘Hon’ formality and go directly to ‘Sir Richard’.

          But seriously….you used the words ‘dignity’ and ‘decorum’ Snowy. There is a distinct lack of these qualities being exhibited by our pollies at the moment. Whatever happened to statesmanship? I’m sure Jim Killen and Gough would be appalled at the current state of affairs.

  10. When’s the first cabinet meeting? I’ll bring the esky.

    • “I’ll bring the esky.”

      I don’t wish to question your motives Ninja but I would like to think that your esky will for full of refreshments when you arrive and not simply a convenient receptacle for secreting bottles of spirits out of my drinks cabinet.

  11. The Minister for Aviation might bring me to the first cabinet meeting. 🙂

    I don’t think you should despair on the current generation of pollies though GOF. We have the same as we ever had but the Media (and Facebook) have had some sort of memory lapse. For FB it is excusable but for the Media it isn’t.

    I attempted to watch the ABC’s News 24 earlier this week but I just couldn’t stand it. They had a couple of news items (good) followed by the newspaper front pages (who cares what Murdoch is saying) then they started reading out the Twitter responses to the news items (totally unacceptable).

    Vox Pops on the news is about as brainless as it gets and apparently if you get in first (read “spend no time thinking about it”) you have a good chance of getting aired. To me its the electronic version of standing behind a reporter and waving at the camera.

    Can I have Media responsibilities too and Vicola as special Minister Assisting? Wanker of the Week could be part of the improvement process.

    • “The Minister for Aviation might bring me to the first cabinet meeting”

      OK……I’ll instal a second security camera above my drinks cabinet.

      You’re probably right with your political assessment Peter….I just don’t take sufficient interest, but I’m missing the eloquence and sarcasm of a Keating and someone who has to guts to put Australia ahead of their own party politics.

      You herewith are now appointed Minister for Media and I’m sure if you take Vicola with you on your next excursion to The Vatican she will sort out the Pope in a very short period of time. 🙂

  12. Righto then. I’ll get straight into those tropical affairs then shall I?

    • “I’ll get straight into those tropical affairs then shall I?”

      Yes…no time for dilly-dallying Brad and I will of course expect a detailed monthly summary of your activities……preferably with pictures.

  13. Politics. It’s full of faceless people & soap operas & stealth bombers or something that no-one would take part in… now where’s me bong and me oxycontin. I’ve got a portfolio to sort out. I’m thinking more coffee shops. They seemed to pull in the tourists in the Netherlands.

    • I’m recommending the Cairns Esplanade as a place to start researching for your onerous responsibilities Brad…….Australia needs, indeed deserves, more backpackers from the Netherlands, France, Sweden and Denmark. I’d allocate these responsibilities to our Chief of European Liaison but I can see you’d approach this particular task with a great deal more vigour and devotion.

  14. You know … all this drinking and a guy running around with no pants on … isn’t that the model for the US Government? Are you sure that’s what you want to emulate?

    btw- this is the 34th response … mission accomplished?

    • All the drinking is a bit of a worry GOM and I’ve turned a blind eye to the nudity because I don’t want to see any of it…’s the wrong sort of nakedness…..i.e. male.
      Australia is always in a rush to emulate all things American.

      The responses are only from those who are happy with their appointments.
      I’ve just lost the other half of my readers who are now permanently pissed-off with me for either forgetting them altogether or underestimating their talents.
      This post was always going to be doomed to partial failure. 🙂

  15. We must start off Lauri’s toast with some good drink, GOF. Will rum suffice? Since our ideas must be original, should we start with a rousing rendition of a seafaring tale?

    I’m honored to have the Environment post. I shall swear my honor to hear all sides and to bring oversugared cupcakes to each meeting.

    (And should anyone suffer a sugar high, I’ll know to which door I’ll send them) 😉

    • God knows how the first cabinet meeting is going to end up with the amount of alcohol and sugar-cupcakes being brought by everyone.
      Lucky I’m living in Gofland doing some fishing and won’t witness it.

  16. Original ideas and considering the country being served is almost unheard of here, GOF. I shall be glad for my relocation.

    • Perhaps Australia should stage a mock military invasion of the US, just to raise our public profile.
      Sometimes I wonder how I was overlooked for Australia’s Diplomatic Service.

  17. GOF, I am honored to be nominate/elected/appointed/proclaimed/slipped in as Attorney General for Australia, a place I’ve wanted to visit since reading Bill Bryson. Or maybe since I met my first kangaroo. One of the two.

    I am especially honored to take my place amongst this group of lofty intellectuals who need to keep our feet by consuming copious amounts of wine and spirits.

    Viva Australia. I’m IN!

    • Thank you for your acceptance of the Attorney General position Elyse.
      The Prime Ministerial jet, Wombat One, will be available for you to commute between our two countries whenever you feel like it.

  18. And I just wanted a republic, silly me!

    Well, it is a little bit of a come down from Goddess, but GOF you are my man, and I will be your loyal and hard working Minister for Education and Women’s Affairs. A perfect mix.

    Long live the GOF.

    • Well thank you FD, you’ve gotta dream big……and if Snowy doesn’t start getting creative soon with his position at the top of the tree you will be in the running for a promotion.

  19. Ooh – I do like the sound of “Special Envoy” ! I’m looking forward to a spin in the Wombat One – perhaps Ninja would pilot it in his spare time. This party combination would make a fabulous Government …


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