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Inaugural Pain in the Arse Award

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Give your eyeballs a break and let GOF  read it to you;

(click on the little triangle thingy )

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Distinguished WordPress bloggers, Your Highness, Your Excellency, Your Eminence, Madam Prime Minister, ladies and gentlemen, guide dogs, and Elle MacbloodyPherson and her new gentleman friend;

Thank you for attending the inaugural presentation of our Pain In The Arse Award.

We are gathered here tonight in the The Bucket’s magnificent new beach-themed auditorium which was constructed with the assistance of a ten million dollar higher-education grant from the Australian Government, as well as donations of $1000 from each of my blog subscribers who probably haven’t noticed it’s disappeared from their bank accounts yet.

A very special welcome to my American friends who are with us tonight. Thank you for traveling so far.  Although your first reaction to my mentioning the words ‘sport’ and ‘cricket’ might be to wander off for a slurp at the 24-hour bar in the foyer, I urge you to hang around to assist with the hurling of brickbats.
This time-honoured sport will begin shortly.
Besides, someone in Florida needs to share some responsibility for training today’s award winners.

Firstly let me take you back to a time before sportsmen and women were paid huge amounts of money just for playing games.

As young cricketers during the 1960’s there were two very important principles of sport (and life) which were drilled into us relentlessly by coaches and mentors.

1. “The game” is more important than your personal performance.

2. “Sportsmanship”, including respect for opposition players and umpires, was paramount.

Today I  lament the passing of “sportsmanship” in many sports, including my own beloved game of cricket.

Too often today, the degree of sportsmanship displayed on the field of play is inversely proportional to the amount of prizemoney on offer.


Let us now turn our attention to tennis. Never in it’s long history have players tarnished the image of the game so consistently and shown such poor sportsmanship as tonight’s award recipients.

These two spoilt little brats have the temerity to demand total silence from spectators yet proceed to launch themselves into spasms of screaming every time they hit the ball.

They claim that the habit has been a natural part of their game since childhood.  Pigs arse. Pull the other one. I had a daughter who once upon a time played tennis.  Had she started squarking at 100 decibels every time she hit the ball I would have firstly bashed her over the scone with the racquet before carting her off to have the disorder corrected by a psychiatrist.

Screaming is NOT a natural part of tennis you pampered little millionaire darlings. It is a contrivance.
It is YOUR deliberate tactic to distract opponents. Like it or lump it, what you are actually doing is CHEATING. You are defrauding your opponents, and defrauding the public of it’s right to enjoy watching your sport.
The practice should be outlawed immediately by the International Tennis Federation.

The Bucket has no pleasure at all in awarding the
Inaugural Pain in The Arse Award to the joint winners;

Tonight we truthfully recognise the contribution which these two players have made to women’s tennis, and acknowledge that both of them are dispensible millstones around the neck of good sportsmanship and decent behaviour;

Ladies and gentlemen, our award winners for 2012,



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One short clip of an Australian crowd reacting appropriately to some of Sharapova’s absurd behaviour.

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And finally, in response to a tweet just received from @eavesdropper532  “GOF do you think their childish ear-shattering on-court behaviour today will inevitably be carried forward into the ‘games rooms’ of their adult relationships tomorrow?”

You are a pervert eavesdropper532 ….A PERVERT! and NO I am not interested in paying $7000 for your covert audio recording of “Sharapova’s forty/love climax point in a marathon three-hour French Grand Slam.”
GO AWAY you horrible little man.


About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

31 responses »

  1. Oh, bull-puckey! You’d pay the $7000 if you had it … just take more out of Lauri’s account, she won’t notice.

    Many years ago I heard someone pontificating on this very subject and how that at a baseball game you never hear the announcer asking the crowd to please be quiet because Dwight Goodin (that’s how long ago it was) was getting ready to throw a pitch.

    • Yeah, I’m sure Lauri will let you know in the unlikely event that she thinks you just had a really bad idea GOM. 🙂

      Now I’ve gotta Google ‘Dwight Goodin’.

      I just had a wonderful mental picture of Sharapova playing in the televised version of English snooker where even the commentator has to speak in whispers.

  2. Brilliant!!!
    I loved reading along with your voice. You sound exactly like you should. Which should be a relief to us all.

    I had no idea these women were so noisy. I missed watching any of them, thank goodness.

    I was watching the men’s finals yesterday and there was a huge amount of Neanderthal grunting going on in that one. Although after more than five hours I shouldn’t wonder why.

    LMAO at your response to eavesdropper532. Forty/love climax point in a three-hour French Grand Slam. Bahaha!

    • Well thank you Lauri although the “sounding exactly like you should” bit could be open to all sorts of interpretation. 🙂 .
      Every year they seem to get louder. Sharapova and Azarenka were finalists at last weeks Australian Open Championship. I found it impossible to watch without muting the TV sound.

      Many players and officials want the screaming banned. Let’s hope it happens.

    • Don’t pay them a dime, Lauri! They might buy a second tv and you know what Mrs. GOF would think of that……

      • Lauri, knowing both GOM and myself very well, understands that her $7000 contribution will be spent responsibly.
        Right…..I’m glad we cleared that up. 😉

  3. And since I cannot go back and edit my comment, I’ll make another one.

    I did not notice the audio link until reading Lauri’s comment. I usually play around on my computer with the sound off so that my wife doesn’t annoy me with dozens of “What that?” questions while I’m surfing. You’ve proven to me that I’ve been wise in keeping the sound turned off …

    No, really, you sound about as I’d expected … maybe even younger. (Does that make up for being snarky earlier?)

    • I had you very much in mind when I was doing the audio GOM because I remember way back when you did an audio post you mentioned that it was quite a challenge.
      I wouldn’t have bothered doing it if I’d known it was going to take me 2 hours to successfully post it. Now all my electric-city is gone. 😦

      There’s good snarky and bad snarky. GOM-snarky is always good.

      • Right, it was time intensive because I kept messing up and starting over. I’ll never do it again either.

        And so that you can save a little electricity, Dwight Gooden played baseball from about 1984-2000 (although anything after 1994ish really shouldn’t count).

        • I never realised that you couldn’t just upload sound files to WP, so I had to go and find another site to do it on and then create a link to that site.
          Life wasn’t this complicated last century…….and thanks for the Dwight information.

  4. I want everyone to know how long and difficult it was posing for the statue artist. I think I have perma-clench.

    What exactly do you need a Floridian to train these girls to do?

    • Just hold still there Rich, Mrs GOF, the dog and I will get on the end of that big nail and pull it out for you…….I think you’ve learned your lesson by now……..please go forth into the world clench-free. 🙂

      “What exactly do you need a Floridian to train these girls to do?”

      What sort of expertise do Floridans have? Maybe the girls could be trained to swan around the Everglades in one of those boats with a big fan on top and go ‘gator hunting. Anything to keep ’em away from tennis courts would be fine.

  5. The screaming while playing tennis is indeed horribly stupid and annoying. Although I’d take that over that snotbag curly-headed boy child any day (whatever his name is). Heck, I got a nice smack on the shoulder blade twice while playing racquetball, and my boyfriend did not hear any screaming, just had to see my very dirty look. 😉

    (Kidding, he apologized and made me dinner instead).

    • “that snotbag curly-headed boy child”
      Amelie, how did you find out what my parents and classmates used to call me when I was a kid?
      Oh, and racquetball sounds waay too dangerous for me.

  6. I enthusiastically endorse your award, GOF, even though I seldom watch TV of any kind these days.

    I am intrigued though as to how you managed to get $1,000 out of my bank account. I’ve never been able to do that. Some malarky about “insufficient funds” always appears. Anyone would think they don’t trust me…

    • Thank you Snowy.
      The bank told me that you had no money in your account so I took $2000 out of Flamingo Dancers to cover your contribution. Hope that’s OK with you. She’s got a new job and plenty of money. She will be proud of my ingenuity…..I can just feel it in my bones.

  7. I know this is very serious business GOF, but I’m cacking myself listening to this. And I love that you had all the neighbours around to applaud into your microphone.

    • Well it certainly is very serious business Inga…..half the world is starving or slaughtering each other and two chicks are screaming on a tennis court. 🙂

      Oh and the bloody neighbours refused to have anything to do with this project.
      The applause you hear comes from 72 Miss World contestants who just happened to drop in for smoko yesterday……clapping was more in appreciation of my Madame Pompadour impression than the speech..

  8. “Guide dogs” 😀

    And another thing…if you can find 1,000USD with my name on it, you can have it. I’d never miss it cos I’ve never seen it!

    Lovely to hear your voice, doll!

    • “Lovely to hear your voice, doll!”
      Thanks MT…..the least I could do…..even if it did take me 2 hours to work it out…..after all I’ve had the pleasure of hearing your commentary on life as well as your delightful music on youtube.

  9. I think that it is money well spent to be able to hear your marvelous accent. Couldn’t you have said “stickey whicket” just once, though?

    • Accent? I’ve got an accent? Well dammit I’ll see what I can do about that. 🙂
      Thank you for appreciating the audio Elyse and I’ll see if I can fit in your sticky wicket sometime in the future.

      • “and I’ll see if I can fit in your sticky wicket sometime in the future.”

        Good thing there aren’t any old geezers with dirty minds lurking around here …

        • Never in the history of blogging has anyone been quicker off the mark to detect an unintended double entendre……now I shall go back and apologise to my good friend Elyse. Thank you GOM.

    • GOM, my long-term blog friend, diligent proofreader, moral lighthouse and foghorn, has alerted me that some devious minds might attempt to misinterpret my first reply to your comment. Personally I don’t think devious minds ever come anywhere near my blog, but just to clarify the situation; I certainly hope to be able to include the term ‘sticky wicket’ somewhere in one of my future blog stories.

  10. Thanks for doing the audio bit GOF. Love it.

    Yep. I thought it would be quicker to do audio too but it took me 3 or 4 times as long and not because of posting the YouTube link, just trying to get the tempo right and editing out extraneous noises. Then I ended up rewriting a couple of times.

    Prefer hearing the blog I might add. It adds even more to your material.

    • Thank you Peter. I quite enjoyed the challenge of doing the audio even if it did take me an eternity to put it all together. Considering I had to start a separate account at Dropbox to do it, I might try it all again if a story warrants it.

  11. * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *
    Distinguished WordPress bloggers, Your Highness, Your Excellency, Your Eminence, Madam Prime Minister, ladies and gentlemen, guide dogs, and Elle MacbloodyPherson and her new gentleman friend



      I thought “Your Highness” would pretty much have covered you on this occasion FD, but if you prefer I’ll change it to “My Pink-Feathered Prancing Goddess” in future.

      * GOF notices FD picking up an even larger stick and runs like hell*

  12. You think they’re bad? UK premiership footballers are the most revolting creatures ever to earn the GDP of Belgium per week.

    • Thank you for letting me know there’s something worse than screaming tennis players.
      Your premiership footballers must be something like our rugby league players in Australia……not the best role models for young kiddies. 🙂


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