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Normally I don’t like to blow my own trumpet, but I’ve just spent the last two days working flat out like a lizard drinking, doing marvellous things for my country.  It all started with a simple letter to the Prime Minister.

Social Engineers by Appointment.

17 December 2011

Dear Madam Prime Minister,

What’s up with all you female political leaders?

Every time one of you is given political power in Australia or abroad
I applaud and celebrate with a renewed sense of hope that we will have a safer and more compassionate world, yet almost all of you squander the leadership opportunities just like your male predecessors did.

Just one example please if I may.

Your Federal Administration, State Governments and the judiciary have all failed to act decisively on behalf of those Australian road “accident” victims who have been maimed or killed by drunken drivers and other imbeciles who drove cars without having bothered with the formalities of getting a Licence or registering their motor vehicles.

Why do all Governments treat this issue as if the victims were just unpreventable “friendly fire” casualties in our society?  

A very long time ago I diligently studied road rules, undertook practical instruction and was granted my Driver’s Licence.
Driving a car was then, as it should be today, a privilege and not a right.    I pay $1000 each year to renew this licence and register my vehicle. Apparently I am being very stupid because many fellow road-users don’t give a rat’s arse about these requirements or the consequences of their driving behaviour.

Successive Federal Governments have conveniently sidestepped this matter by passing the buck to State Governments, and court-imposed penalties on offenders are disgracefully lenient.

I would like to offer the services of my Associate, Mr GOF, who is eager to provide a simple and permanent solution to this problem.
He estimates that it would only take two days to complete the necessary tasks if you would be so kind as to hand over executive powers to him while you are away on your Christmas break.

Please liaise directly with Mr GOF.

Yours Faithfully,

Vladimir J. Smirnoff

Parliament House,   

30 December 2011

Dear Mr GOF,

I am in receipt of Mr Smirnoff’s letter of the 17th instant.

On behalf of the Government I am delighted to accept your kind offer of administrative expertise and dynamic management.  It rather surprises me in light of your past history that your talents had not already been brought to my attention by the Australian Security Intelligence Organisation.

Welcome to the team.

Would next Monday and Tuesday be OK with you?

Yours Faithfully,

Julia Buzzard
Prime Minister of Australia


Social Engineers by Appointment.

4 January 2012

Dear Madam Prime Minister,

Thank you for granting me the opportunity to serve my country.

Please find attached a detailed report of my activities on Monday 2nd, and Tuesday 3rd January 2011, along with an Invoice for services rendered.  Please forward cheque to my new address in America where I am hoping to be given ample opportunity to do many more good deeds.

I trust you enjoyed the break and feel well rested.

Please don’t hesitate to contact Mr Smirnoff or myself if ever you need further assistance managing the affairs of Australia.

Yours Faithfully,



Report to Prime Minister Page 1

Report to Prime Minister Page 2 of 2


About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

22 responses

  1. Laughed my arse off through the whole thing!
    First Australia, next The World!!!

  2. It’s a snip at $263,000 but now there is a huge queue of Public Servants heading your way looking for something to do. The problem with that is they have to look busy so they will start inventing new laws.

    Worse trouble they ever had when I was at Telstra came from putting in a new computer system in my area. The software was great but we ended up with superfluous Managers walking around with clip boards and time on their hands. A very powerful but dangerous combination.

    Of course a real business would simply “rationalise” staff numbers but this was a quasi government body and no one knew how to do that.

    Incidentally, I was rationalised once but took great pleasure from the fact that I wasn’t “rightsized” like some other folk. How insulting a term was that?

    • Sorry Peter I should update you. There is NO queue of Public Servants looking for work any more. This morning I called in some of my drover mates from the outback….they went through every State Government office in the country with their blue heeler cattle dogs, electric jiggers and stockwhips and rounded up the whole lot of ’em….then loaded them into cattle trains and sent them to country areas where they can do something useful like growing food for our country.

      I’ll see if I can wangle a permanent job for you at SMIRNOFF, FULCRUM & GOF. You are the sort of person we need working for an organisation like ours.

  3. Damnit. Figures I’d find out this way. Elle always told me it was possible. Can I at least stay in the guest room while I look for a new place?

    • Thank you for your thoughtfulness Rich. Unfortunately we will be unable to accommodate you in the guest room. We will be fully occupied using it on a rotational basis, along with the living room, kitchen, bathroom, laundry, pantry, loft and broom closet. Elle and I have so much we need to discuss in private. I will bring a tent for you to use in Central Park until you can find new digs. 🙂

  4. Do come here and take care of the GOP (as opposed to the GOF).

  5. 0.05 is the legal limit? It’s 0.08 here! We are souses!

    • Yep .05 is the limit, much to the dismay of a local mother who recently blew in excess of .30 when she was pulled over after driving erratically. She was on the way to pick up her kids from school!

  6. “Social Engineers by Appointment” nice work if you can get it.

    My fave is the dream bubble! Sir GOF!

  7. Oh my god, I nearly passed out drunk (I mean, spit out my coffee) reading this. A little pissed is no longer okay, lol. On a serious note there are 5 time offenders in Massachusetts who are still licensed to drive. Makes my blood boil.

    I WAS an alcoholic in college. But as my mom taught me, if I was going to drink, I walked. Period. No car.

    If I was going to drive, sorry, no booze of any kind. Not even a sip. Ever.

    There is a raging debate over the right vs privellege in this country with driving. I sort of agree that it is a right because every citizen has the right to earn a license when they are 16. But citizens can and should be stripped of that right if they break the rules.

    • I’m delighted that someone actually shares some of my views on this topic Amelie.
      There is an underlying belief in Aussie bush culture that drinking and driving is an acceptable part of life. It is sad that these people need to have one of their loved ones killed or injured by a drunk driver before they change their point of view.

      Oh, and I’m delighted you found something to smile about.

  8. Such dedication and attention to detail GOF. Pure perfection. I see the country will be safe with your assistance.

    Do abolish the states, pleeeze.

    • “Do abolish the states, pleeeze.”

      Already done FD….2 days ago, but it won’t come into effect until I receive my $263,000.

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