RSS Feed

All about mirrors, sex and deception.

Posted on

Now folks, don’t y’all jus’ git the feelin’ the stage is set for a mahtee dose of disappointment?
(With apologies to The Dukes of Hazzard)

.

—————————————————————————–————————————-
***Inga*********************proof******************fence***
—————————————————————————–————————————-
.
I think my daughter should be OK up there while I’m discussing intimate matters with you down here. I left her a few things to play with to keep her occupied until we get back.

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

Sometime during my early stages of pimply-faced and troubled pubescence a science teacher confided;  “GOF, never trust a mirror. If the image you see is already back-to-front then you never know what other misinformation it is feeding you.”

Armed with this knowledge I am now able to safely assume that the wrinkled old fart who looks back at me from the other side of the bathroom mirror most probably looks very much like Viggo Mortensen to everybody else in the world. It’s a burden which I stoically carry around with me every day as I search for the hordes of adoring and heartbroken female admirers who must be out there somewhere looking for me.

My parents never told me anything about this ‘mirror-trickery’ business as part of their presentation of the ‘facts of life’.
The ‘birds and the bees’ needed to be discussed first.

I concluded from their dire warnings that sex was a very ugly business which needed to be avoided at all costs.

After reading through the graphically illustrated educational book which my Dad presented to me on my fourteenth birthday it was completely obvious that the cost of having sex exceeded any possible benefit by a huge margin.

First there was a horrendous probability that all my seeds would fall upon fertile ground after which the world would be over-run with a plague of baby GOFs.

Then there were at least seven hundred and eighty two infectious diseases which were lurking in every nook, cranny, bus seat and public toilet around Australia just waiting for my embryonic wedding tackle to come within sniffing distance so they could perforate, ulcerate and lacerate it until it was ultimately overtaken by the superior powers of putrefaction.

The deterrents continued to flow thick and fast during my subsequent teenage years.  After receiving an espionage report from the Methodist Deaconess, my Father sat me down and issued the following proclamation;

“GOF if I ever catch you in the act of sneaking through the side fence under the pretence of studying scriptural passages with your equally inquisitive Sunday School classmate Susan there will be dire consequences.  The facts and diagrams in the booklet which I gave to you DO NOT, I repeat DO NOT require any real-life verification and corroboration.”

“Furthermore, the Theatre Royal and it’s Saturday afternoon movie matinees have been, and will remain, out of bounds.  The Deaconess informs me that it is not only Donald Duck together with Huey, Dewey and Louie who can be found in that venue enthusiastically exploring foreign topography in search of hidden jewels and exotic treasure.”

My fledgling eagle of worldly discovery was shot down by the pistol of paternal principle before it even had the chance to flap it’s wings.

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

Life is full of such disappointment.  There is also an abundance of illusion, deception and jiggery-pokery, some of which can be found in unexpected places. For example, the movie  “The Sound of Music”.

Leisl

In 1966 Leisl gave me false hope and sent my testosterone factory into 24/7 production when she erotically crooned to me;
“I am sixteen going on seventeen”.

The remaining lyrics of that song as I interpreted them at the time went something like this;

“You GOF are seventeen going on eighteen, and if you don’t immediately come and take me in your arms of steel and make mad passionate love to me right here in this moonlit garden pavilion then I am doomed to remain an unloved spinster for the rest of my miserable life.”

Nobody cared about my disillusionment or offered me counselling when I eventually discovered the actress playing Leisl was actually 21 years of age and NOT sixteen.
Yuk!
No self-respecting Aussie teenage boy in the 1960’s would be seen dead kissing older women.

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

I’m still appalled to this very day.  Thank goodness the internet is totally free of all this trickery and deception.

*       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *       *

WOOHOOO! My 400th story. One small mind. So much bullshit.

Advertisements

About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

31 responses

  1. What? Oh, I’m sorry… ~shaking images of hunky Aussie studs from mind~ …got a little sidetracked there.

    I just watched that scene on Christmas Eve, they were showing it on the telly.

    • So. Many. Abs. /dead

    • Just thought I’d wait until you settled down a bit Kim. 🙂
      I should include watching The Sound of Music again on my Bucket List.
      It is so long ago since I last saw it and I’m not sure if they make too many beautiful movies like that any more.

      • That wasn’t fair. Good thing hubby wasn’t home.

        Oh, you must. It always brings such a big smile to my face. The soundtrack is in my Spotify library. All of it — the gorgeous natural scenery, the delightful songs, the touching love stories, the sheer physical beauty of Julie Andrews and Chris Plummer in their primes, her stunning voice…

        I also adore Victor/Victoria and The Music Man.

        • OK, you’ve talked me into it now Kim…I’ll hire a DVD. It will be worth it just to listen to Julie Andrews singing those wonderful songs.

  2. In Leisl’s defense, she was paid grandly for betraying you. Oh, hang on.

  3. Thats odd. There are two of us in different mirrors?

  4. This bit — “I am now able to safely assume that the wrinkled old fart who looks back at me from the other side of the bathroom mirror most probably looks very much like Viggo Mortensen to everybody else in the world ” had me wiping away tears. Even though I have NO CLUE who Viggo is, I know that you are as handsome in the mirror as I am young, tender and beautiful in mine.

    And I’d take Liesel’s 21 years any day!

    Great post. Thanks for making the end of my day (GMT +5) so pleasant!

  5. Another exciting chapter in the life of GOF, the 400th in fact. And every one a thriller. As an aside, the real life Liesl passed away in the U.S. not so long ago. http://www.thesun.co.uk/sol/homepage/news/3325453/Sound-of-Music-girl-Agathe-von-Trapp-dies-at-97.html

    • Ahhh Snowy, my friend. You’ve suffered through most of my 400 stories…..don’t it jus’ make you wonder how much time the both of us have frittered away during recent years?

      And I’ve enjoyed the whole exercise…..and your company. 🙂

      Thanks for the Leisl link, I’ll go check it out now.

  6. As long as you don’t start deciding you look like Elle the world is still a safe place.

  7. Gee, that takes me back GOF.

    My Dad had a collection of “educational” books in his shed but alas they were as deceptive as your mirror. Apparently someone had the job of air brushing away something called pubic hair, so as research material it was quite useless and somewhat disconcerting.

    These days the kids have it easier in some respects. Retouching is only used to make folk impossibly thin and humans seem to have evolved away from hair in their nether regions.

    When it came to telling my eldest about the facts of life I decided to open with “Kissing causes babies”. Apparently this factual statement was a little too deep so Liz promptly sent both of us to a sex ed course at the school.

    Their instruction, though more detailed, was a lot more sordid than mine

    • I’m sure my Dad’s God would never have permitted him to own any ‘educational’ books like your Father had in his shed Pete. I was severely deprived of this sort of education when I was young but have made some attempts to rectify the situation in later life. I’m thinking someone ought to bring back the hair. Perhaps we could form a specific-interest political party Pete to contest the next election?

  8. Congrats on the 400 by the way. When folk ask me about blogging I send them to read yours. I don’t want to turn them away with my politics before they realise the educational benefits of your material.

    • Thanks for the kind comments about my 400th post Peter…….I’m sure my blog would turn off many potential bloggers too. 🙂

  9. LOL – way back when I was about 10 I told a boy of similar age the facts of life (based on my observation of animals of course). His parents were furious and told my parents that 10 year olds should not know such disgusting things.

    Those “educational” books were hysterical – I was always a bit disappointed that there were no photos.

    • I definitely started out the explanations with comparisons to our many animals. That sort of helped. I always got the eyerolls from the kids, though….”We already know all this”…..
      It was certainly a surprise to ME when I heard how “it” actually happens. I mean…stunned was one appropriate word….

      • Oops, GOF just stuffed up and sent his Emjay reply to you. Silly old bathplug.

        I just left the whole nasty sex-education business for our child to Mrs GOF, Lauri.
        Not sure how it all went, but to date we haven’t been overwhelmed by a tribe of grandchildren. There are two possible explanations for this. 🙂

    • Similar memories here too Emjay from when I lived on the farm as a kid. I can remember overhearing a couple of conversations my Mum had with other parents about “have you told him the facts of life yet?” Her answer was “he knows it all…he’s seen the cows” Truth was I didn’t have the slightest clue what it was all about.

      Now if only we’d had the internet back in the 1960′s………………

  10. Like Kimmers I temporarily was distracted by the muscle but…..I’m back!

    So the fireworks at the end are meant as, what…. irony? 🙂

    Congrats on your 400th post!!

    • Thanks Amelie….I’m glad you’ve settled down again…..I don’t know what you and Kimmers see in those guys…..looking at my gravatar pic I can’t see much difference.

      The fireworks are my own personal celebration. Despite the contents of 400 dubious blog stories, you and all the other commenters above still bless me and entertain me with your presence.
      That’s worth celebrating.

  11. I will surely regret this, and may Inga forgive me, but if your computer will allow you should check out a program called Morel Orel.

    • Don’t regret anything Amelie….and I’ll sort Inga out. 🙂
      I just went to check out Moral Orel but the clips wouldn’t load for computers outside America. Where there is a will………
      Thanks for the suggestion.

%d bloggers like this: