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GOF’s Guide to Law Enforcement

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A blueprint for the future, proudly produced by GOF as a service to the community.

Chapter One.


Dear Mr GOF,

I acknowledge receipt of your letter of the 2nd instant, and return herewith the photograph of your combine harvester as requested.

I agree with your impassioned declaration that the city of Cairns has an endemic culture of pedestrians ignoring illuminated “Don’t Walk” signs as well as hordes of foreign workers who persist in riding bicycles the wrong direction down traffic lanes.

Whilst I can to some extent understand your frustration as an out-of-town motorist Mr GOF, at this time I am unable to accept or condone your kind offer to “get rid of all these lawbreaking bastards once and for all.”

We feel that a public education policy is the most sensible approach towards dealing with this problem.  Your proposal is draconian to say the least, and your offer to personally carry it out free-of-charge as a community service does not make it any more attractive or acceptable.

Please be warned that the moment your “recently modified  souped-up pedestrian harvester with side-mounted bicycle scoop and compactor” enters a public thoroughfare you will immediately be arrested and charged under Section 23 of the Traffic Act.

Your assertion that   “it would only take one or two binsful of mangled jaywalkers and bikes to deter any future lawbreakers”  whilst probably being substantially correct is nevertheless repulsive and unacceptable from either a legal or civil libertarian point of view.

In light of your sporadic criminal behaviour over recent years Mr GOF, please be assured that my Officers will be keeping a very close eye on all your future activities.

Yours Faithfully,

Archibald Xavier Plod

*        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *        *


Dear Commissioner Plod,

It is with extreme regret that I note you are unable to accept my original proposal to rid Cairns of it’s pedestrian scourge at this point in time.

I understand that sometimes your staff are unable to enforce the relevant pedestrian laws because they are tied up investigating lots of other little things like murder, and robbery with violence, so I have designed an automatic system to deliver these jaywalkers directly to your office.

Please find alternative “Jaywalker Harvesting System” (patent pending)  attached.

In anticipation of your valued reply and subsequent approval.

Your civic minded servant,


Click to enlarge

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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

33 responses »

  1. LOL!
    First I guffawed at the Combine Pedestrian Harvester. What a monstrosity! And the Felon Funnel! Pots, pans a dish and a dog? Oh the humanity!


  2. Excellent idea, GOF! I’m also pleased to see you have also chosen the intersection that gives me the most grief as your test case. If you need any help with the funding, please contact me.

    • (Note to self: Proof read *before* clicking the post button)

    • I’m still waiting for an official response Mike. I don’t want to impose on you financially, but I thought that if approval doesn’t come quickly I might draw up a couple of placards and we could establish a sort of “protest embassy” on the footpath outside the cop shop. I’m sure R and F would be really proud of their menfolk.

      Or not, as the case may be. 😉

  3. Y’know, the more I get to know you, GOF, the more my admiration grows. I stand in awe at your creative genius and drafting skills. Just wondering if you have anything to deal with troublesome mother-in-laws?

    • Thank you Snowy, you’ve made my day complete. I’ve often looked at my artistic genius and wondered why I have not yet been hung in the National Gallery.

      I am in the process of designing a similar piece of machinery to deal with domestic issues such as the one you bring to my attention. (at an price that even people who are saving up for an overseas trip can afford), It looks like an innocuous (but rather large) vacuum cleaner filled with heavy-duty stainless steel components.
      I’m applying for a job as cleaner at Parliament House so I can conduct field trials.

  4. GOF, for the record, I confess I’ve sometimes ridden my bicycle up the opposite traffic lane. It’s always on roads where there is very little traffic and virtually no people, and usually done where it makes no sense for a cyclist to zig zag across streets just to get to a main bike trail or one’s destination. Most roads in Cali are designed for cars, not bicycles: and I’m frankly less of a threat to you in the car than you are to me on the little aluminum bicycle.

    • Actually I’d prefer some of the “wrong-way bicycling” in Cairns remained because most of the offenders are rather cute young short-skirted Japanese girls who work in the tourism industry, but they really are risking life and limb. Cairns is very well served with designated bicycle-riding lanes…..they choose to disregard them and blithely ride through red traffic lights at intersections.

      I hope I’m never involved in an accident which harms one of them and have to live with the consequences for the rest of my life.

      As for pedestrians……unfortunately I’d probably be the first one to end up going down the chute. 🙂

  5. Now that is creative thinking way outside of any box!

  6. I’m concerned that the fish and the saucepan are going to be blown right up that girl’s dress. Not to mention the other jaywalkers.

    Maybe this is a new avenue for meeting dates…

    • From whence didst thou inherit thine imagination…… and concern for the welfare of fish and cooking vessels?

      New parameters for “speed dating”…….you have precisely 7 seconds to become acquainted with some jaywalking hunk before being slammed into Plod’s ceiling. 🙂

  7. To all those others … if a fish and a sauce pan cross against a red light, they deserve the same punishment as a human. I applaud GOF for his nondiscrimination.

  8. Commissioner Plod HAS to be impressed with this one. Come on…

  9. Brilliant – I love the “felon tunnel”. I suspect, being a perpetual pedestrian, that I could easily end up riding the underground suction pipe – preferable I might add, to being hit by a modified harvester!

    • Yep…..I’d also be a regular traveler down the suction tube Emjay. When walking, I refuse to be told what to do by any coloured light……if necessary I’ll walk an extra 100 metres to jaywalk across the middle of the block rather than wait for a light to change to green at the intersection.

  10. LMAO felon tunnel – I wish I had seen this before driving downtown the other day, hoards of smarmy kids stepping in front of my driving-full-speed car while laughing, some kids here even dare each other to dash in front with their bikes. I think a wood chipper would be a bit more fun for the finishing-off part. At least then they could be used as useful material. 😀 😀 😀

  11. alan interested reader.

    just read this,thought it was beautifully written.A good answer to a serious problem.would love to know if you hav a solution to adelaide bicycle epidemic.tour down under bring everyone who owns one out:a they think they have rights.b they can do anything in lycra,two wheels and it’s acceptable behaviour.please look in to this matter as i think your input would be interesting.regards al.

    • Thank you for your encouragement Al, however I still have three years to serve at Her Majesty’s pleasure due to wot I did to seven Japanese cyclists riding the wrong way down the street three years ago. I am equally concerned that the plague of Tour de bloody France lycra pests seems to be infesting Australia. I’ll work on a solution as a service to the country. I have plenty of spare time these days.


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