A blueprint for the future, proudly produced by GOF as a service to the community.
OFFICE OF POLICE COMMISSIONER
Dear Mr GOF,
I acknowledge receipt of your letter of the 2nd instant, and return herewith the photograph of your combine harvester as requested.
I agree with your impassioned declaration that the city of Cairns has an endemic culture of pedestrians ignoring illuminated “Don’t Walk” signs as well as hordes of foreign workers who persist in riding bicycles the wrong direction down traffic lanes.
Whilst I can to some extent understand your frustration as an out-of-town motorist Mr GOF, at this time I am unable to accept or condone your kind offer to “get rid of all these lawbreaking bastards once and for all.”
We feel that a public education policy is the most sensible approach towards dealing with this problem. Your proposal is draconian to say the least, and your offer to personally carry it out free-of-charge as a community service does not make it any more attractive or acceptable.
Please be warned that the moment your “recently modified souped-up pedestrian harvester with side-mounted bicycle scoop and compactor” enters a public thoroughfare you will immediately be arrested and charged under Section 23 of the Traffic Act.
Your assertion that “it would only take one or two binsful of mangled jaywalkers and bikes to deter any future lawbreakers” whilst probably being substantially correct is nevertheless repulsive and unacceptable from either a legal or civil libertarian point of view.
In light of your sporadic criminal behaviour over recent years Mr GOF, please be assured that my Officers will be keeping a very close eye on all your future activities.
Archibald Xavier Plod
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OFFICE of GOF, PUBLIC SPIRITED CITIZEN
Dear Commissioner Plod,
It is with extreme regret that I note you are unable to accept my original proposal to rid Cairns of it’s pedestrian scourge at this point in time.
I understand that sometimes your staff are unable to enforce the relevant pedestrian laws because they are tied up investigating lots of other little things like murder, and robbery with violence, so I have designed an automatic system to deliver these jaywalkers directly to your office.
Please find alternative “Jaywalker Harvesting System” (patent pending) attached.
In anticipation of your valued reply and subsequent approval.
Your civic minded servant,