….for this blog having recently been in hibernation.
Please select whichever one takes your fancy.
Transcript of Parole Board proceedings Monday 24 October 2011.
Mr GOF, you are sitting before us today prior to being released after serving your four month custodial sentence for perjury.
You will recall that this situation was brought upon yourself during the damages trial instituted against a garment manufacturer by former Miss Australia and Miss Universe Jennifer Hawkins who had suffered an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction whilst wiggling her way down the catwalk.
Miss Hawkins had invited you to accompany her to this gala event in the dual capacities of Chief Bodyguard and Senior Backstage Lingerie Fitter.
As such, you were very close to the incident when it occurred.
Perhaps this photograph will jog your memory Mr GOF.
The presiding judge correctly refused to accept your testimony that
“I know nothing Your Honour. As soon as it appeared to me that something was going awry I immediately averted my eyes and saw nothing. You see I was raised as a Methodist Your Honour” noting that it was the most blatant lie he had ever heard during his 40 year career.
“Let this sentence be a warning to other witnesses that perjury will not be tolerated in this court.”
You are also extremely fortunate that your sentence is not being increased today Mr GOF, considering the “Character Reference” that this Board received last week signed by no less than 29 members of an obscure group known as “Friends of The Bucket.” All twenty nine signatures bear a remarkable resemblance to that of your own Mr GOF, and the Governor has since discovered a draft of the letter on the prison library computer.
We wish you well returning to a life of freedom Mr GOF and suggest that if ever in the future you happen to observe partially disrobed young women in public places you should immediately take cognizance of all the circumstances surrounding them just in case they might be required as evidence in a court of law.
I have painstakingly spent four months working my way from one end of the shade house to the other replacing flood damaged weedmat (and gravel eroded from beneath it) as well as restoring each potted bromeliad to it’s pre-cyclone Yasi condition.
Two photographs taken soon after the cyclone;