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Handicapped in America

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Handicapped in America

 ………..  by ………………

William Wordsworth GOF



It took me literally ages
Driving from New York to L.A.
Ten thousand infinitesimal stages
With hazards along the way.

Spent time in a Pueblo cop car
After drinking in Colorado.
Molested by Mormons in Utah
And freezing in Columbus Ohio.

Arms are numb and eyes so bleary.
Both shoulders locked and seized
From carrying the bag I feel so weary
And my feet have fungal disease.

Next year I’ll do it differently,
‘Cos this was such a failure.
My mind is now made up you see
To leave irons and putters in Australia.

Apology List

1. To readers who know nothing about golf and for whom the last sixty seconds were a complete waste of life.

2. To readers who DO understand golf and who probably didn’t fare much better.

3. To Mormons. I just made that bit up.

4. To poets.

5. To the cab driver on the Pasadena Freeway after I had closed down all inbound lanes whilst teeing-up.
No, I am not “one shrimp short of a barbecue” and I am sorry for what I did to your windscreen in response.


About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

14 responses »

  1. Bahahaha! Losing that sixty seconds was worth it for the laugh I got about Feet Fungal Disease!

    This is actually quite inspired and inspiring….

  2. Just try saying the word “bomb” at the airport or on the plane…exciting times!

    • “Just try saying the word “bomb” at the airport or on the plane”

      After you, FD……as I was always taught…..”Ladies First”.

  3. I have only a middling acquaintance with golf, but I got the puns, lol. I’m not sure why you froze in Columbus, but them Mormons—best you not take a drink in front of them!

    • Twenty five years ago I found out that having a house which stank of home-brew being bottled dissuaded Mormon missionaries from visiting……or was that Seventh-day Adventists….I’ve forgotten now….6 of one half a dozen of the other. 🙂

  4. My brother is a golfer–I’m afraid as much as I know is hitting some practice balls in the back pasture.

    • That’s the best way to play golf MT. No pressure.
      One of the best feelings in life is when you clobber a golf ball so magnificently that it flies ten times further than you thought possible.
      It happened to me once in 1981. I gave up playing after that.

  5. I discovered golf can be quite dangerous to marital status. My Dad was teeing off one day and managed to slice the ball almost at a right angle to it’s intended path.

    Right into Mums stomach.

    His witty reply of “That’s the closest I’ve ever come to a hole in one”, was not viewed as especially hilarious by my Mum.

    They divorced some time later. It wasn’t the only reason though. He was a serial offender when it came to the quick quip. The take home message for me was save the funny stuff till the pain and bruising has subsided or a calender year. Whichever comes second.

    • I’m sorry Pete, but your story made me laugh so much I had to settle down a bit before I could reply, and I like the philosophy you gained as a result of your Dad’s misadventures. 🙂


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