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Flogging life back into the dead horse

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pest  n  1. an annoying person or thing.
              2. any organism that damages crops or injures or irritates
                  livestock or man.
or GOF’s definition;
          3. any living organism which, as a result of ignorance or a changed environment, increases its population to such an extent that it needs to invade areas beyond the boundaries of its normal habitat causing detriment to all other living organisms within that new habitat.     eg  man.

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My recent submission  supporting the introduction of Mohr’s Law proved to be almost as popular as a swarm of fire ants invading the annual Nudist’s Picnic.

All my fault.

I forgot to include the most compelling evidence of all.
The results of my very own animal testing trials.
Two modest examples follow, but firstly a reminder of
“Mohr’s Law”;

“It is an offense to cause harm, attempt to cause harm, or behave in a manner likely to cause harm.”

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I have been animal-testing Mohr’s Law for the past 2 decades in my immediate local jurisdiction (where it is known as GOF’s Law) because of the practical deficiencies and inherent stupidity fineprinted into some of the existing laws of this country.

An example is the “Australian Fauna Protection Act” which prohibits GOF, as a human, from causing any sort of discomfort or distress to venomous Brown Tree Snakes even when they fall from the ceiling onto Mrs GOF’s snoozing head in the middle of the night.

This sort of behaviour by a snake does however seriously contravene GOF’s Law by “causing harm” to Mrs GOF,
(primarily psychological) so a Court hearing is hastily convened, considers all available evidence, then passes judgement on the defendant.
The wheels of justice revolve rapidly under GOF’s Law.
Sentences invariably bring into play the well-worn snake stick which permanently resides near the front door of Judge GOF’s Chambers.

snake stick

Similarly, large white-tailed rats, at the rate of at least one hundred each year, mistakenly consider themselves to be fully protected and immune from any sort of punitive action from humans under the “Queensland Native Fauna Conservation Act 1987.”

Unfortunately however they fall foul of GOF’s Law by straying from their designated National Park habitat to take up a warmer, drier, and altogether more comfortable residence in a house which they did not build or even contribute financially towards.

GOF’s Law’s enshrines the principle that a homeowners abode is his or hers or undecided’s personal temple.

It is not an acceptable venue in which invaders should be allowed to run around willy nilly urinating, defecating, chewing up wooden framing, insulation and electrical wiring, or spreading the debilitating Leptospirosis disease.

The “causing harm” clause once again comes into legal play.

GOF’s Law takes precedence over any conflicting impractical legislation dreamed up by office-bound public servants, and it  empowers the homeowner to protect property with deterrents.


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So there you have it…..Mohr’s Law has protected my domestic sovereignty for more than twenty years.
No uprisings, lawlessness, graffiti, sedition, public lewdness or ram raids, and not a single lawyer has ever been sighted here since the inception of the trial.

Now it’s time to move on from animal testing to the next phase.

I will forward this practical evidence of Mohr’s Law in action, along with my previous proposal, to the Attorney General who will then undoubtedly replace every stupid law of the land with Mohr’s Law, and furthermore, extend the boundaries of the current GOF Jurisdiction to include all of continental Australia.

I’m so excited. Only six more weeks to go until the Queen’s Birthday Honors List is announced.   “Sir GOF…..for services rendered to the Judiciary.”…….ahhh yes…….you finally made it, son.

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Editors note;

The Bucket’s “comment” facility is not a democratically operated forum provided for the purpose of crucifying GOF for his treatment of animals.

It will however entertain endorsements for his upcoming knighthood, and inevitable elevation to the position of Chief Justice of Australia, as well as the usual sharing of wisdom by his friends.

Criticism of his animal welfare record will be accepted (very temporarily) from anyone who, like GOF, might have spent at least 30 years replanting and regenerating more than 30 acres of rainforest for the designated purposes of soil conservation and native animal habitat.

GOF thinks he has earned the common-sense right to protect his 120 cubic metres of earthly human refuge from all invaders as he sees fit.

About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

34 responses »

  1. A finely styled argument. You will hear no rants from me. I would not want venomous snakes or wild rats in my house, either!

    I do so hope to hear of your upcoming knighthood. I have sent off an email with praise to the Queen.

    Chief Justice of Australia! Your ambitions know no bounds!!!

  2. Well I’m definitely staying on your good side if you’re going to be Chief Justice in a few weeks. There are a few things mate-to-mate that I’d like help with. 😛

    I have also dashed off a finely crafted letter on my best heavyweight paper to Her Majesty, letting her know how wonderful I think she is for already adding you to the list. 😀

    • Thank you LOM….without friends in high places like you I’d never have made it.

      She said to let you know that she holds your opinion in high regard, and she’s wondering if you have already received your invitation for the wedding next week. There is one seat reserved for you in her carriage.

  3. Do you think the Queen would accept a letter of recommendation from a Murrican? What if I signed my name really pretty to the bottom?

    I have no beef with snakes or rats, but I wouldn’t want either of them in my house, either. (My first reaction was…’YOU HAVE SNAKES IN TEH HOUSE??!? That’s it, I’m scratching Australia off my list of places I want move to!’ Eep!)

    • The Queen has forgiven all events from the past and will happily accept correspondence. If you get in quick, you too might get a complimentary ticket to attend her grandkid’s wedding.

      We only have a snake-in-the-house problem because we chose to live in a location completely surrounded by National Park tropical rainforest. It’s an entirely self-inflicted problem.

      It’s good to have ONE snake in the roof space to control rats, but there have been occasions when I have “cleaned out” six in one day.

  4. “The Bucket’s “comment” facility is not a democratically operated forum provided for the purpose of crucifying GOF for his treatment of animals.”

    Oh, darn it. 😀

    I’m just kidding. Just when my ass freezes from our “spring” weather and I feel like I’d give anything to live out in your neck of the woods, I see that snake stick, try to imagine snakes falling onto my head while I sleep, and I think I’ll stay right here, thank you. Not that I would not visit – sounds lovely out there. But sheesh.

    Yours is probably a truly eco-friendly existence. The price for that is you have animals who might bother you – to me your willingness to live and have minimal impact on the ecosystem means you have every goddamned right to defend yourself. Pardon my language. I hope no children are reading.

    So far as Order Rodentia goes, I think it’s a fine reason to get a nice cat or 3 or 4. Then again, I’m very biased. But when the little brats run around our home, I feel bad for them ending up alive in our cat’s mouth (and being tortured by the cats biting them, dropping them and playing with them) but that’s what cats evolved to do, and bless their furry little souls for it. Since we opened the cat shelter (and have a total of 6 cats) we have very little problem indeed.

    • Thank you for being gentle on me Emmy….I thought of you several times when I was writing this.

      Snakes are mainly a problem during their Spring mating season…they entwine together and bang (?) around on the iron above the roof space…..only occasionally does one find a hole in my faulty house construction and get inside to fall on Mrs GOF’s head.

      No worries with your language Emmy…..Inga won’t be reading it so we need not worry about polluting her vocabulary.

      We have a cat which is so well fed it doesn’t need to hunt rats….in fact it goes outside at night and carts them back inside (alive) to use as play things. Sheesh.

      • I’m not being permissive. I genuinely think that we all have a right to defend ourselves on our own property. Goodness knows (that was for Inga’s virgin ears – Inga, you know I’m just teasing. It’s GOF’s fault….) I’ve been rough with animals and I’m supposed to be their advocate!

        • I get no enjoyment out of harming any wildlife…..even the pigs which cause so much destruction, but I’ll always protect my property against invaders…..humans included.

  5. Tarantulas found inside our house are humanely captured and released outside. We are thankful to have a husband who does this.

    There’s a lovely tree/bush here called Manzanita. In maturity, it features a dark red, glossy, sinuous bark. The interior is also a lovely reddish color, and it’s a very hard wood, a favorite for woodworkers. Undoubtedly in an effort to keep said woodworkers from chopping down whole tracts of the stuff, it’s technically illegal to cut it.

    Now, we have to comply with land-clearing regs to avoid our houses burning down in the not-infrequent wildfires we get here. Certain plants are more flammable than others, and should be removed from the immediate vicinity of structures. Manzanita is one of those plants. But, we aren’t supposed to cut it…

    Don’t worry, we didn’t fret for very long. If it’s growing on our property, we get final say over it.

    • Wow…tarantulas…that’s taking it to another level! We have lots of spiders of all sizes inside the house which scare the hell out of most visitors, but they are all harmless.

      Thanks for the fascinating story of the Manzanita tree (what a wonderful name) and we also have lots of conflicting environmental rules and regulations here too. I’d better not get started or it will end up as a major epistle.

  6. 1 for Chief Justice GOF. a lofty position I have no doubt you have the ability to hold. I agree whole heartedly with your snake stick. The bedroom is a place of sanctuary and the very second that gets invaded you have the right to protect yourself. That goes for invaders animal AND human in my book so should anyone reading this find themselves breaking into Mr PeteGraham’s house don’t be surprised to find yourself being dragged upstairs while I mete out punishment for you.
    Just sayin’

    • Thank you Pete, and I agree with your sentiments on human invaders. There is a growing trend within the Australian court system to give weight to excuses given by offenders and give them protection from retribution from homeowners.

  7. Regret to inform you GOF that we know longer knight people in Australia. I suppose the news hasn’t made it way that far north yet – what it’s only been about 30 years…

  8. Until I read that last comment, I was all for the Knighthood. The Chief Justice? Not sure of that. that would require your relocating to more civilized locations (HA!) and I’m not sure you could cope with that … or they could cope with you.

    And isn’t it odd that the snakes only fall on MRS. GOF’s head …

    • I think you are right GOM. They probably wouldn’t let me bring my snake stick, rabbit trap or shotgun to town either.

      Animals seem to be attracted to Mrs GOF. (there’s a very good opportunity in there for further comment that I know a gentleman like you will resist)

  9. I used to never kill spiders as they kill other bugs but when I developed an allergy (due to being bitten so many times during my life, including mosquitoes and wasps–they’ve all “got me” too many times) to them, I now have a rule:

    When you come into my sight, your life is forfeit.

    I also kill mice and rats whenever they dare enter the domicile. I’m hardcore.

    As Emmy mentioned, I’d ADORE having barn cats again but Pa is against them (I think this is idiotic given the service they’d provide but he simply “hates cats”).

    • We have to be ruthless with rats and mice or else they would take over the whole establishment. Just recently rats got under the bonnet of the truck and chewed up all the electricals and anything plastic they could find. Cats are a great idea, except around here Mrs GOF would pamper them so they’d have no interest in “foraging”.

  10. I think you may have been a bit hasty in deciding on playing for the top job GOF. You do realise you have to deal with all the States Chief Justices?

    I don’t know the current state of the law but many years ago I rang the environmental body that looks after wildlife in Victoria and asked what happens now I have accidentally killed a Tiger snake that was in my back yard.

    They assured me that once inside my boundary it was my call.

    In a footnote to this story, I had come home to find a dead cat on the back verandah that looked exactly like one of ours. While digging a hole to bury it in I discovered the snakes burrow and killed 4 baby ones. The arrival of Smokey some hours later made me think about how unlucky the snake was.

    • All Chief Justices of the States will be abolished, along with all the State Governments Pete…..there’s way too many politicians and public servants in this country.

      I’m happy to read that common sense prevailed in the matter of The State vs The killer of the tiger snake.

      There was talk this week in Qld of a kid being charged (or at least reprimanded by wildlife rangers) for chopping the head off a taipan that was allegedly threatening the family.

  11. When I was growing up our laundry was outside the main house – complete with functioning copper – no electricity = no fancy washing machine. There *always* seemed to be nasty snakes in there – my mother was really adept with a shovel.

    We lost many cats to snakebites – and chooks too – snakes would nest in the laying boxes. I hated being sent to collect the eggs as the first 20 minutes was spent forcing myself to actually go into the chook-house! Then I’d spent another good few minutes banging the boxes with a stick, followed by a good digging around the straw with the same stick before I’d put my hand in.

    • Lots of similar memories for me too Emjay. Lighting the fire under the outdoor copper, and I was always fascinated by the bleached “copper stick” that Mum used to “agitate” the clothes in the copper, and threaten me with every time I misbehaved.

      Fortunately here there are not many really venomous snakes here….taipans are not common in our rainforest. Our neighbour has a lot of trouble with carpet snakes eating his chooks.


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