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The Goft Shop……..April Specials

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The Bucket is proud to offer three special and unique products this month from The Goft Shop.

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Catalogue # 675831.
Genuine Vatican Jelly for healing sin.

$27.65                                                         Add to trolley.

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Catalogue # 735472.
Jesus Toaster 
The Goft Shop recommends ordering half a dozen Vatican Jellys with this product as a precautionary blasphemy healer.

$106.95  (bread not included)                   Add to trolley

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Catalogue # 698362
The Gentleman’s Ballscratcher.  
Sterling silver.
Dishwasher friendly.
Not tested on animals.
Order two so that your man can multi-task at barbecues by using them as tongs to flip over the steaks and sausages.
Perfect also for getting the last irritating little bits out of the bottom of peanut butter jars.

$57.99                                                   Add to trolley

Sterling silver Gentlemans Ballscratcher

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CALL NOW!!!!!!  1800-GOFTSHOP    

And, as a very special offer, we will send to you free of charge with every Sterling Silver Ballscratcher ordered, a jar of

GOF’s Soothing Scrotum Salve.
Simply have your gentleman massage liberal amounts into his affected and adjacent areas before using the scratcher for an experience which neither of you will ever forget.

(Please disregard superceded label on illustrated item.)


About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

50 responses »

  1. Ok, I laughed so loud at the Gentlemen’s Ballscratcher that my husband yelled “What’s going on?” from the other room!

    The thing that really cracked me up with the multiple uses for the wonderful item.

    I may have to order one…

  2. Ooooooooo, the scrotum salve!!! That’s a must-have item. I have several ex-boyfriends who have scrotums (scrota??) I know need salving. 😛

  3. I continue to be amazed at your entrepreneurial skills, GOF. Looking back over my wicked ways in my three score years and ten I think I might need some of that Vatican Sin Healer. A hundred jars or so should just about do it…

    • I’ve just had a shipment of Vatican Sin Healer arrive by Papal Transport Snowy, which includes two only 200 litre drums……one for me and the other I ordered with you in mind…….like sin itself, it’s much cheaper in bulk quantities.

  4. LOL nice ballscratcher! Too bad it’s not tested on animals…..every dog I’ve ever met spends time aplenty on that region. All these products and Jesus toast for the morning – sounds like a perfect day at Sunday School!

    • All my years attending Methodist Sunday School were not spent in vain Emmy.

      OR……perhaps it would seem they were. 🙂

      • I think the one I attended was Baptist. I thought of it immediately when I read this – super-scary woman with hair wrapped up in a tight bun, scowl on her face, reading the Bible in an even more horrifying manner than the ghost stories we used to tell at camp.

  5. Where exactly are you supposed to rub the sin jelly? Does it depend on the sin in question?

    • I know that coming from you Vicola this is purely an academic inquiry, as you are unburdened by any sort of sin.

      For people like me, we need to use the stuff daily as a full body rub.

  6. Seriously? They make toasters that toast Jebus’s face in the bread?!? And you own one? Lordy, wonders never cease.

    I applaud the evil of anyone who would suggest using Tiger Balm on one’s scrotum. I suppose you’ll hear about it if anyone tries it…

    • Apparently they seriously have these toasters, but I don’t even own enough electricity to run a toaster of any description.

      Guilt has finally got to me about the Tiger Balm so;


  7. I know this is supposed to be a humorous post, but for the gullible I must point out that Tiger Balm contains menthol and camphor, two plant-derived oils that used to create a tingling or burning sensation on the skin. They’re used in “heat rubs” or muscle ointments like DeepHeat and Bengay.

    Since I have little experience with scrotums, I can’t say for sure what would happen if you used Tiger Balm on one: but I suspect the effect would be horribly painful.

    • Especially if used on scrotum’s that had been overdone with the Gentlemen’s Ballscratcher.

    • “Since I have little experience with scrotums, I can’t say for sure what would happen if you used Tiger Balm on one: but I suspect the effect would be horribly painful.”

      Thank you for your concern HG. On the scale of pain from mosquito-bite itch to natural birth of a twelve pound baby, Tiger-Balmed scrotums rates as “temporarily eye-watering” until you can get to the soap and water. Deep Heat rates slightly lower on the scale. I’m a fount of knowledge on this subject HG. 🙂

  8. Dang it…remove that apostrophe! 😛

  9. Gentlemans Ballscratcher!

    I just about died!

  10. Oh yes, Lauri, and GOF, a new religion. You must do it. I have no ideas yet but I can just picture the sermons over Jesus toast and ball scratching. Will this be the first church ever to have its own gift store?

    • ROFL!!!
      Oh dear!

      Jesus toast and ball scratching! We already have a Mission Statement!

      • LOL!! Can you imagine the church newsletter?


          What a blessed relief it has been having Reverend Lauri arrive to rebuild the congregation which was decimated after Pastor GOF’s disgraceful behaviour in the pulpit last month.

          We request that in future all the gentlemen leave their scratchers with the verger at the door for safekeeping until the service is completed. Last Sunday the serious message of the sermon was compromised by what Mr Jones was doing in the front pew.

          Could whoever hid the wooden cross, six-inch nails, hammer and threatening letter in the shrubbery please remove them.
          Whilst we appreciate realism during our upcoming Good Friday service, nailing ex-Pastor GOF to a cross is perhaps taking it too far.

          Could children please refrain from filling up the collection bowl with washers and bolts. This is not a bloody mechanics workshop.

          Thank you, and blessings from the Church Secretary.

          • Addendum to April 2011 Newletter,
            When leaving your scratchers with the verger, will gentlemen kindly leave a note with the identity of the owner on each scratcher. This will prevent overshare amongst the congregation.
            Blessings and Happy Scratching,
            Reverend Lauri

          • Please sign me up for the church newsletter, you two. I cannot imagine a Sunday morning without reading it.

            Would the ball scratchers, umbrellas and wet boots be left in the same door entryway? That may cause a problem.

            • This is SO funny, Emmy!
              I was thinking that with Vatican Jelly and ballscratchers we should probably merge with the Church of the Flying Spaghetti Monster, who believe in beer volcanoes and strippers in Heaven.
              I am assuming the strippers are available in both’s only fair, and if a religion should be anything it should be fair!

              • I’m all for the beer volcanoes and male strippers – count me in. Will this be an over-21 church service then? 😀

                The church should certainly have elements of the Flying Spaghetti Monster (if Reverend GOF approves, that is). We’d have to invite Paxton.

                • The Australian Council of Churches is seeking submissions on ways to make religion popular again. I have taken the liberty of onforwarding the thoughtful suggestions and ideas which you and Lauri proposed.
                  Bless you Emmy.

              • Woohoo Reverend Lauri….bring ’em on…..strippers of both genders and anything in between…..we run an equal opportunity Church of Depravity. 🙂

      • And we have a newsletter Reverend Lauri…..we’re well under way. 🙂

  11. We will rake a box of the vatican gel – your best price please!

    Daughter1 was aghast after her last visit to her grandfather when he informed her he had been absolved of all his sins by some priest that appeared at his bedside. We all reckon it means we can run amuck and be as selfish as we like and we will just get absolved of sin at the end. Easy rider!
    Of course if one gets unexpectedly killed by an elephant that falls out of the sky, that would present some absolution issues.

  12. Gentlemen’s ballscratcher? Where’s the ladies’ ballscratcher? Or is there not much call for that? 😀

    And perhaps some nice Bag Balm might be more appropriate than Tiger Balm for the proposed uses set forth above.

    I’ve been staring at that toast. I don’t what it says about me that I see more Charles Manson in the image than I do Jesus. 😯

    • “Gentlemen’s ballscratcher? Where’s the ladies’ ballscratcher? Or is there not much call for that?”

      The world is waiting for you AustieBellum… innovative marketing opportunity which should make you a millionaire.

      I’ll pass on the opportunity to comment further on the Manson/Jesus confusion. I’ve offended my quota of readers for today already. 🙂

  13. Thank goodness Snowy bought out your entire stock of Vatican Petroleum jelly before those randy Priests got their hands on it.

    If you leave the toast in for too long does he end up looking African? I just thought of a mod for the toaster.

    The timer could be marked for
    * “White Supremacist” lightly toasted
    * “Middle Eastern” for those desiring racial accuracy
    * “Black Supremacist” for near charcoal

    I know. I know. Back to the naughty corner again.

  14. LOL – what a laugh – both your post and all the comments. Now I will start my Easter Sunday with fabulous images in my head – I think it’s a good thing that church is not on my schedule today.

    • I also enjoyed all the comments on this post Emjay…’s funny how the most unlikely of posts sometimes produce the most entertaining input from readers.


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