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GOF’s Twelve Days of Christmas

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Santa arrived at a shopping centre in tropical Cairns on a stinking hot day in the first week of November.      Serves him right.
Premature Santas are abominations.

The Bucket wishes to share a smidgin of it’s meagre reserves of Seasonal Joy, so I hope you are in good voice today to sing along with me.

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On the first day of Christmas my true love gave to me;
dunny brush in a plastic holder.

On the second day of Christmas my true love gave to me;
Two floor-cleaning kneepads.

On the third day of Christmas my true love gave to me;
Three sociability ultimatums.

On the fourth day of Christmas my true love gave to me;
Four earsfull of admonition.

On the fifth day of Christmas my true love gave to me;
Five hours of unsolicited dream interpretations.

On the sixth day of Christmas my true love gave to me;
Six inaccurately flung boots.

On the seventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me;
Seven reminders of things I did wrong in 1984.

On the eighth day of Christmas my true love gave to me;
Eight flatulence suppressing medications.

On the ninth day of Christmas my true love gave to me;
Nine subtly disguised gift hints.

On the tenth day of Christmas my true love gave to me;
Ten dish-washing scour pads with bonus rubber gloves.

On the eleventh day of Christmas my true love gave to me;
Eleven bottles of halitosis mouthwash.

On the twelfth day of Christmas my true love gave to me;
Twelve $#%@&%* swearing jars,
and,
Eleven bottles of halitosis mouthwash,
Ten dish-washing scour pads,
Nine subtly disguised gift hints,
Eight flatulence suppressing medications,
Seven reminders of things I did wrong in 1984,
Six inaccurately flung boots,
Five hours of unsolicited dream interpretations,
Four earsfull of admonition,
Three sociability ultimatums,
Two floorcleaning kneepads,

And ……AND…..as if that wasn’t already enough for one bloody Christmas, I suddenly heard the grunt of a semi-trailer’s airbrakes as it came to a halt outside my backdoor and unloaded some sort of giant fruit tree, with a dopey, smug looking temperate-zone bird sitting in an upper branch.

I think I’m going to need all those swearing jars.

.

GOF’s postal address is now;

Patient # 26354,
Christmas Carol overdose clinic,
MONGOLIA.

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..

The Bucket will be going into extended hibernation.

Thank you to each and every one of my friends, old or new, wherever you are in the world, for your company and inspiration, and for putting up with me during 2010.

This year I am especially grateful to all the members of my Vox neighbourhood who thought our little circle of friendship was worth maintaining and moving lock, stock and barrel to WordPress.

Mrs GOF and I wish each and every one of you a happy, safe and peaceful Christmas.

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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

41 responses »

  1. Thank you, GOF. Compliments of the Season to you and yours as well.

    Reply
  2. Hear hear!

    Happy holidays and enjoy your summer recess!

    Reply
  3. GOF, that’s fantastic, and if you don’t mind I will be attempting to teach this version to Aston. We’ll sing it together at the in-laws 🙂

    Enjoy your hiatus and give my best wishes to Mrs GOF. All the best.

    Pete, Jemma and Aston

    Reply
    • Thank you Pete and best wishes to the three of you…..I’m not sure that advanced sarcasm needs to be taught to young Aston at this stage……enjoy the years watching him grow up singing the “proper” version of Twelve Days of Christmas at his end-of-year school concerts.

      Reply
  4. You will be missed. Sounds like you will be incredibly busy, according to the song. Happy Holidays if you aren’t back on before they get here!

    Reply
  5. Have a wonderful blog-break, GOF & happy holidays too! (Email to follow soon).
    Elaine

    Reply
    • Thank you Elaine……it’s been nice having your company this year……the circumstances which led to our “meeting” has been the biggest highlight of my blogging year.

      Reply
  6. Have fun! Is Mrs. GOF taking her usual trip?

    Reply
    • Thanks GOM……and No…..either she’s got no money left after last years trip to America, or she needs to stay at home and supervise my work program. 🙂

      Reply
  7. Have a nice one GOF, and don’t forget to duck those inaccurately flung boots. Best wishes to you and your family this season. It starts earlier every year, doesn’t it? 😉

    Reply
    • Thanks Emmy….I’ll do my best……she’s getting more accurate as the years pass, and I’m getting slower………and best wishes to you this Christmas too.

      Reply
  8. Great version GOF. I didn’t know there were so many types of flatulence medication available… that’s good information to know for future reference. 😉

    We hope that you and yours have a wonderful holiday season… and we’ll see you in the New Year.

    Reply
    • Thanks Tina……always trust me to provide appropriate pharmaceutical information. 😉
      Best wishes to both of you too for this holiday season.

      Reply
  9. Thank you and a Happy New Year too!

    I do wish that you had a more reliable power system though so that we could have you all year round…

    Reply
  10. I doubt your true love gave you any of those!

    We were singing Xmas Carols last night at a friend’s house!

    Reply
  11. I hope you enjoy your holidays and thanks for always letting me read… See you in the new year!

    Reply
    • Thank you gundersonbee……I’m sorry I thought you had left the neighbourhood…….I’ll show better manners when I return, and visit your place. All the best to you and yours for the holiday period.

      Reply
  12. Enjoy your vacation! See you on the other side!

    Reply
  13. Season’s Greetings to you and Mrs GOF. I hope you are not too busy to enjoy it…..

    Reply
  14. Have a safe and happy Christmas to you and all at home. Hopefully I may have some better news to share with you by the time you get back. Hooroo.

    Reply
  15. Three sociability ultimatums

    Now that is what the world needs more of!

    Reply
  16. Awwwww, Elle was so nice to give you all these things!

    What did Mrs GOF give you? 😛

    Reply
  17. LOL I missed the party, Merry Christmassy season and happy new year to you and Mrs GOF.
    GOF, you know, my notions of Australian geography are a bit hazy, but there were scary videos of houses with water up to their roofs on our news and they said those houses were somewhere in tropical Australia… So I thought OMG that’s where the GOFs live!!! and I came over here to check on you… and it’s all reassuringly GOF style cristmassy here and now I think I remember that you’ve mentioned living uphill, but still… I really really hope your house is in a reasonably dry part of tropical Australia.
    – My friends in Panama just had the wettest wet season in memory… with all the tropical madness that goes with that…

    Reply
    • Thank you so much for your concern Drude. We feel quite lucky compared to those a little south of us who live on flatter, more flood-prone areas. Weak Cyclone Tasha made landfall near our place on Christmas eve causing minor damage to our plant shade houses and submerging pump engines …..315mm of rain in 12 hours!

      The cyclone weakened over land but still dragged with it all the rain which is causing all the heartache over much of central and southern Queensland. Many communities downstream there won’t receive flood-peaks until next week…..I can’t imagine how frustrating that would be just waiting…..nor do I ever want to confront the horrible prospect of cleaning out a house that has been submerged in flood waters. People who have been through it say that it is impossible to ever get rid of the smell….it remains in the structure of the house forever.

      Reply

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