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Straight from the camel’s mouth

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Mr. Habib

It is hard to imagine what the world would be like without
The Bucket doing it’s job as a tenacious watchdog and counterbalance for biased and questionable scientific research.

study commissioned by the Nature Conservancy and Pew Environmental group  found that if all feral animals, including camels, were culled from Australia’s sparsely populated interior, an additional 1.3 billion tonnes of carbon could be stored in the natural revegetation by the year 2050.

“When feral animals belch, they release methane, a particularly noxious greenhouse gas, and every single camel releases the equivalent of around one tonne of CO2 each year.”

The Bucket recently received the following correspondence from a Mr. Habib Afghan-Camel, from Alice Springs.

“Dear Mr Bucket,

I have been humouring humans for nigh on ten years now, humping rich tourists along the dry and sandy Todd River bed in exchange for food and shelter from my servant wrangler.

As spokescamel for the Dromedary Action Group (DAG) I wish to challenge the Nature Conservancy report which is highly discriminatory against my species on the following two grounds.

1. The fecundity and population density of camels is regulated by the environmental provisions of Mother Nature.

This inviolable rule of natural balance has, to date, not been accepted by you humans who consider yourselves to have immunity, despite all the warning signs that ignoring it will ultimately have catastrophic consequences.

You continue to procreate like rabbits after a rutting competition.

Of greatest concern to the DAG is Australia’s persistence in paying out a $5185  Bonking Encouragement Allowance, payable by the Government nine months after the event, upon presentation of suitable evidence that the bonk did actually take place.

We view the camel eradication program as being nothing more than “species cleansing”, to create extra space for the additional 20 million humans (and their automobiles) to occupy by the year 2050.

2. The quoted figures of camel-gas emissions are both erroneous and fanciful.  The Report refers to emissions from “every single camel”.

Did they measure output from ALL members of the DAG?
No, of course they didn’t.
It is poor science and statistical ineptitude to make general conclusions after studying only small samples of individuals.

Please let me provide an example of wide natural variations within your own human population.

Last Monday, regular tourist Mr Dilbert Gross-Beergut, a businessman from Sydney spent half an hour perched on my back after consuming a breakfast of baked beans washed down with a litre of coca-cola.

I estimate that during that time he belched two cubic metres of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere, and twice that amount of pungent and probably highly flammable gas from a lower orifice which caused my skin to blister and scald quite badly.

A square foot of hairs on my hump subsequently fell out of their follicles on Tuesday, and my wife, Harbette, who was following closely behind now has acute ventricular flatulitis.

Why not cull Mr. Gross-Beergut also, on the evidence of HIS excessive emissions, if you are so concerned with the welfare of the planet?

In contrast, my passenger on Wednesday, a total stanger by the name of Mr GOF, was a genteel man of distinguished good grace, who has never been known to habitually pollute the environment in either of these unsavoury or unsustainable ways.

I herewith rest my case.

In the vast black universe of increasingly myopic human research, the Dromedary Action Group continues to rely upon The Bucket to provide a single twinkle of realistic sanity.

Yours Faithfully,

Mr. Habib Afghan-Camel

About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

29 responses »

  1. Damned smart arse camel! Send ’em all back to Afghanistan, I say.

  2. ROFL!!!! GOF, you write the greatest posts and cause me to laugh a lot (i hope the camel will not take offense at the laughter). What an imagination you have!

    The camel did not refer to the nasty habit that camels have of spitting. Perhaps he will address that in future correspondence!

    Thanks for brightening my day 😀

  3. *Stands up and applauds and cheers*

    Mr. Habib Afghan-Camel has the best point possible. If the species doing the most damage to the atmosphere and the planet needs to be eradicated that would be……*points finger points finger points at self* HUMANS!

    What a hoot! Thanks for the laughs! And for your genteel and graceful ways!

    • Thank you very much Lauri.

      Mr Habib has no difficulty comprehending all the basic principles of nature that humans choose to conveniently ignore.

      And, no, I have not read Terry Pratchett, but a couple of other blogging friends have suggested along the way that I should do so. Your suggestion has convinced me that I should do so…..I have just put it on my “borrowing list” for the next time I go to the library. Thank you.

  4. Have you read Terry Prachett at all, GOF?

  5. The reason I asked is that Pratchett has a character in his book “Pyramids” who is a camel. He is “The Greatest Mathematician in the World.” and he is quite hilarious.
    Now I need to go reread that book.

    Pratchett’s books can really be read in any order…..the humor just goes round and round. 🙂

  6. “You continue to procreate like rabbits after a rutting competition.”

    Go Habib! We must hatch a plan to capture the emissions from Sydney tourists for use in supplying remote communities with natural gas. Just tell them that they’ll be “going green!”

    • I mentioned this to Habib, kimkiminy, and he was thoroughly impressed with your idea.

      So delighted in fact that he is planning to offer you a job on the “capturing” side of the operation.

  7. I’m pretty sure a lovely young lady on here has outed your combustible ways once already GOF, only I cannae find the post. Curse the closure of Vox.

    A fine, and thought provoking letter – please pass my regards on to Habib.

  8. I’m biased, having gotten spit full in the face by a camel that didn’t feel like working that day. But I’m with Snowy: deport them to Egypt or India or wherever they came from! They probably could thrive in the California deserts as well, but the state Department of Wildlife wouldn’t have any of it. They don’t even like the wild horses that run loose and destroy the natural habitat as well.

  9. There is a huge population of wild camels in Australia isn’t there – I was surprised when I heard the number. Did you just have a camel ride? I rode one on a beach somewhere near Noosa – I didn’t like the way it wobbled around very much – actually I disliked even more the way it stood up on those spindly legs 🙂 It’s amazing how dry the Todd River is!

    Oh and by the way – I enjoyed the post 🙂

    • Thanks Emjay,
      I’ve never had a camel ride …..but I’ve had a laugh at Mrs GOF and Inga wobbling along on top of one.

      There IS a real problem with camels destroying the environment, (no more so than cattle….but apparently that’s OK) , but I just thought I needed to provide a slightly different perspective.

  10. I produce far less gas than my mother or brother…I’m with the DAG on this one. You can’t blame on ships of the desert for such emissions.

  11. A number of folk sitting near me in McDonald’s in Ballarat are wondering why I just laughed out loud during a story on the mine tragedy in New Zealand.

    I think they world would be a much happier place (and a good deal safer) if GOF’s scribblings were to be read more widely.

    I would like to see a graphical representation of the camel’s carbon footprint against an Aussie or a Yank. I might not be able to out fart a Camel but I’m sure I could catch up on the lifestyle generation of carbon.

    Enjoy your break but hurry back. We need the levity especially with bloody Xmas almost upon us.

  12. *knocks on the blog door* Hallooo?
    Reading “Pyramids” yet?

    LOL at the Mongolian Christmas Sanitarium.

    • *finally opens door after leaving friend out in the cold for a week*

      Must fix doorbell, or leave sledge hammer outside for you to use next time.

      I ordered “Pyramids” though my library…..the only version available was an Audio Book and I picked it up yesterday. Read by Tony Robinson, I have listened to the first of 3 CD’s…..what a wonderful lesson in imaginative writing…..thank you so much for recommending it to me Lauri.

      • I’m so glad you are enjoying it! I am in the midst of rereading it for the…..third, maybe fourth time and it’s as delightful as ever! 🙂

        • I’ll certainly be reading some of his other books after this introduction.

          • He is one of my favourite writers. It does help to if you read the book close to the order they were written as there are sometimes references to characters or events in other books.

            • Thanks Mike….I remember a long time ago you suggested I should read some Pratchett…..I’m not all that happy with the audio book but it does give me a taste of his extraordinary writing style.
              I’ll collect some of his books from the local secondhand shop and then read them in correct order.


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