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Now…..where did I put that Application Form.

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There is an old newspaper editor’s maxim which goes something like this;

“News” is whatever makes your Grandma say “Good gracious”.

Well here’s a little bit of news for Gran;

There is a man currently employed by the Sydney Adventist Hospital as;  “Director of Penile Rehabilitation”

Now I am sure that the incumbent does an exemplary job trying his best to get men back to peak performance and glowing good health following prostate surgery, but to really do justice to the somewhat vague job title I feel that he should have an “Assistant Director”  to expand the services on offer.

According to my dictionary;

rehabilitation           ……….to help readapt to society,
……….to restore the good reputation

Australia needs me to help my overworked compatriot, because our country is awash with penises requiring restoration of reputation.

(As time is running out for my fifteen minutes of fame, I desperately need this job. It may be my final opportunity.  It’s either this, or I’ll have to ride a penny farthing bicycle whilst stark naked across Sydney Harbour Bridge during peak hour traffic.  I need to do something soon, so that Mrs GOF and Globet can at least point to a single moment of my glory after I’m gone.)

Almost daily our newspapers print sordid stories of sportsmen and celebrities losing their penile good reputation.

This however is only the tip of the disreputable penis iceberg.

It is an International problem. There seems to be an awful lot of it going on all over the place.

As Assistant Director, I will urge our Government and the World Health Organisation to increase their vigilance of this plague of penile deliquency which is sweeping around the globe like an uncontrollable Mexican wave.

My first task will be to have the condition officially recognised by the World Health Organisation.

Errant Penile Syndrome.    E.P.S.

Exhaustive independent research conducted by the Chief Medical Reporter at The Bucket indicates that a whopping 98.5% of Australian adult males have suffered from either E.P.S or  W.E.P.S (Wishful Errant Penile Syndrome) on at least one occasion.

The main thrust of my work during the first 12 months in office will be to ensure that those men currently suffering from W.E.P.S are adequately counselled, medicated, or inflicted with sufficient early-intervention corporal punishment to ensure that they don’t go on to develop the more serious form of the disease.

Get weaving Ceba-Geigy, we’re talking big bucks up for grabs here for medication.
You’ve done this sort of thing before…..don’t go all shy on me now.

Unfortunately for a small percentage of chronic E.P.S. sufferers, effective treatment will require radical surgery.

I’m looking forward to my new job.

I might even get to meet Tiger Woods.

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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

24 responses »

  1. Just wondering what you would actually do in your new position, GOF. It’s probably as well I didn’t ask. No doubt Elle figures prominently somewhere…

    Reply
  2. You really, really want attention from all those desperate men using Google to find “penile enhancement rehabilitation treatment,” don’t you?

    Reply
  3. Yeah, sometimes we have nightmares about this. There is an official name for everything now.

    Reply
    • Quite seriously Doug I am absolutely horrified at the side effects many men suffer after prostate surgery.
      It makes me wonder if patients are fully informed BEFORE surgery of all the resultant permanently diminished body functions as well as the unexpected things that could go wrong.

      One thing’s for certain, they’ll never get a chance to try it out on me.

      Reply
  4. OMG…….SO funny! After you get this new position, if you find it would be helpful to have a nurse on the penile team…….let me know! 🙂

    Reply
  5. “Unfortunately for a small percentage of chronic E.P.S. sufferers, effective treatment will require radical surgery.”
    Remember John Wayne Bobbitt?

    Reply
    • Wives/girlfriends like his would put me out of business…….from memory, the only thing she got wrong was that she didn’t throw it far enough away. 🙂

      Reply
  6. the tip of the disreputable penis iceberg – Oh GOF! LOL!
    Mr FD wants a job checking women’s breasts for lumps…

    Reply
    • I’ll be contacting Mr FD about us starting a “Super Clinic” partnership.

      We can swap specialties occasionally ……I’m sure he has much valuable knowledge and experience to impart.

      Reply
  7. LOL – I would not want such a descriptive title as that Director… how do you know it’s a man?

    Reply
    • Because he was interviewed on the radio Emjay…..well I shouldn’t jump to conclusions….it might have been a very nice lady with an incredibly deep voice. 🙂

      Reply
  8. What penile dysfunction would ensue from excessive corporal punishement, though?

    Reply
  9. Lol at “the main thrust of my work”!

    Reply
  10. These penile problems have got way out of hand, GOF.

    Once it could be solved by wearing boxing gloves to bed or drinking Army tea but nowadays it’s exploded into a less solitary sport.

    Reply

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