There is an old newspaper editor’s maxim which goes something like this;
“News” is whatever makes your Grandma say “Good gracious”.
Well here’s a little bit of news for Gran;
There is a man currently employed by the Sydney Adventist Hospital as; “Director of Penile Rehabilitation”
Now I am sure that the incumbent does an exemplary job trying his best to get men back to peak performance and glowing good health following prostate surgery, but to really do justice to the somewhat vague job title I feel that he should have an “Assistant Director” to expand the services on offer.
According to my dictionary;
rehabilitation ……….to help readapt to society,
……….to restore the good reputation
Australia needs me to help my overworked compatriot, because our country is awash with penises requiring restoration of reputation.
(As time is running out for my fifteen minutes of fame, I desperately need this job. It may be my final opportunity. It’s either this, or I’ll have to ride a penny farthing bicycle whilst stark naked across Sydney Harbour Bridge during peak hour traffic. I need to do something soon, so that Mrs GOF and Globet can at least point to a single moment of my glory after I’m gone.)
Almost daily our newspapers print sordid stories of sportsmen and celebrities losing their penile good reputation.
This however is only the tip of the disreputable penis iceberg.
It is an International problem. There seems to be an awful lot of it going on all over the place.
As Assistant Director, I will urge our Government and the World Health Organisation to increase their vigilance of this plague of penile deliquency which is sweeping around the globe like an uncontrollable Mexican wave.
My first task will be to have the condition officially recognised by the World Health Organisation.
Errant Penile Syndrome. E.P.S.
Exhaustive independent research conducted by the Chief Medical Reporter at The Bucket indicates that a whopping 98.5% of Australian adult males have suffered from either E.P.S or W.E.P.S (Wishful Errant Penile Syndrome) on at least one occasion.
The main thrust of my work during the first 12 months in office will be to ensure that those men currently suffering from W.E.P.S are adequately counselled, medicated, or inflicted with sufficient early-intervention corporal punishment to ensure that they don’t go on to develop the more serious form of the disease.
Get weaving Ceba-Geigy, we’re talking big bucks up for grabs here for medication.
You’ve done this sort of thing before…..don’t go all shy on me now.
Unfortunately for a small percentage of chronic E.P.S. sufferers, effective treatment will require radical surgery.
I’m looking forward to my new job.
I might even get to meet Tiger Woods.