In the wee small hours of every morning I am urgently required to mount a precisely executed relief patrol from my cosy bed, out across some very dangerous and hostile territory.
Sometimes I do this more than once, but because of operational secrecy I am not at liberty to divulge any more of this classified information.
Nor should you require it.
On a moonless night our jungle hideaway is engulfed in total darkness.
My Superior Officer (with whom I am embedded) demands absolute silence during these sorties, so I inaudibly navigate my way solely with reference to a familiar trail of tactile waypoints.
History has proven (on several occasions) that the slightest disorientation and directional uncertainty at the first obstacle (Door A) will either send me plummeting down into the booby-trap step pit, or cause me to trip over the whiskered silently-purring anti-personnel device. (which deliberately looks like a rat in the blueprint above to disguise it’s real military purpose)
For the past year I have been doing some advanced “closed eyes” training every night so that in the event of real operational blindness in the future I will still be able to successfully navigate the way to my destination.
Last night something went awfully wrong.
Today I need to make some urgent amendments to the Training Manual.
I failed to notice before setting out, that the Superior Officer was NOT in the normal midnight embedded position, but was in fact silently holed-up inside the target area.
With the normally OPEN door SHUT!.
Bloody hell my nose hurts this morning, and I have a splitting headache.
What really irks me, is that after she had decided that it was not Hulk Hogan or even Ridge from Bold and Beautiful trying to bash her bathroom door down, the Superior Officer saw fit to find something funny…..indeed side-splittingly hilarious…. about my whole failed and painful exercise.
I think I need a posting to another Regiment.
This one is severely lacking in sympathy.