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Military imprecision

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In the wee small hours of every morning I am urgently required to mount a precisely executed relief patrol from my cosy bed, out across some very dangerous and hostile territory.
Sometimes I do this more than once, but because of operational secrecy I am not at liberty to divulge any more of this classified information.

Nor should you require it.

On a moonless night our jungle hideaway is engulfed in total darkness.

My Superior Officer (with whom I am embedded) demands absolute silence during these sorties, so I inaudibly navigate my way solely with reference to a familiar trail of tactile waypoints.

History has proven (on several occasions) that the slightest disorientation and directional uncertainty at the first obstacle (Door A) will either send me plummeting down into the booby-trap step pit, or cause me to trip over the whiskered silently-purring anti-personnel device. (which deliberately looks like a rat in the blueprint above to disguise it’s real military purpose)

For the past year I have been doing some advanced “closed eyes” training every night so that in the event of real operational blindness in the future I will still be able to successfully navigate the way to my destination.

Last night something went awfully wrong.

Today I need to make some urgent amendments to the Training Manual.

I failed to notice before setting out, that the Superior Officer was NOT in the normal midnight embedded position, but was in fact silently holed-up inside the target area.

With the normally OPEN door SHUT!.

.

Bloody hell my nose hurts this morning, and I have a splitting headache.
.

What really irks me, is that after she had decided that it was not Hulk Hogan or even Ridge from Bold and Beautiful trying to bash her bathroom door down, the Superior Officer saw fit to find something funny…..indeed side-splittingly hilarious…. about my whole failed and painful exercise.

I think I need a posting to another Regiment.

This one is severely lacking in sympathy.

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About GOF

"Life is like a sewer. What you get out of it, depends upon what you put into it." (Tom Lehrer)

44 responses »

  1. WHAT’S THIS NAMBY-PAMBY “SYMPATHY” BULLSHIT, SON? STAND UP STRAIGHT WHEN I’M TALKING TO YOU! YOUR NEW “LOM REGIMENT” WILL SOON WHIP YOUR SORRY … UH… NOSE INTO SHAPE… or at least firmly outta shape.

    Reply
    • Oh dear Oh dear….I suddenly seem to have mislaid my Application for Transfer Form.
      I don’t think they’ve got another one in stock. I wonder where it could have got to?

      Reply
  2. Three cats …

    Two story house …

    ONE bathroom – on the ground floor(!) …

    But at least I get to use nightlights on the rare occasion I’m actually sleeping at night and not in the daytime.

    Ask your Supply Clerk for a helmet. Or a hockey goalie mask. Damned uncomfortable to sleep in, but safer on the nose.

    Reply
    • I’ve put in a requisition for the protective gear GOM.
      Lucky I don’t live in a house like yours…..I do myself enough physical damage accidentally falling down the 3 steps in our split-level house without going the whole hog and somersaulting down a complete staircase.

      Reply
  3. OW!
    Sorry to hear about your schnozzle.
    Hmmm, would a flashlight next to the bed help? No, it would probably attract spiders!

    Nice artwork!

    Reply
    • Thanks Lauri…..I appreciate the sympathy…..must get a smaller flashlight. The big rechargable bugger I have at the moment lights up the place like the landing lights on a flying saucer.
      Superior Officer doesn’t like that.

      Reply
  4. OMG, GOF……I’m laughing so hard! How about a flash light?

    Reply
  5. LOL – the first few years of my life were spent with a roving outhouse! it would be in one location for a few days and then it moved! Very disorienting! Years later my parents moved to a home where the toilet was still outside (late 1970’s) – it was quite a trek down a path and the spiderwebs were always a bit off-putting. PLUS (as if these things are not bad enough) there were holes everywhere in the timber and I would turn the light off as soon as I got in the little shed so that all those perverts out in the middle of nowhere could not see me in there! LOL.

    Reply
    • Thanks Emjay for you “country dunny” stories….that brings back some memories for me too……of the “dunny man” coming to clean out the bucket every morning.

      You know, I’m really glad that sanitary technology has improved during our lifetimes. πŸ™‚

      Reply
  6. Our place is also engulfed in darkness at night. Tactile orientation is absolutely required. I have a flashlight on my bedstand, but most of the time I forget to bring it along… because I’m half asleep!

    Reply
    • Good to know someone else understands “total darkness” kimkiminy……I suspect for the majority of people in the world they have no idea what it is like to stare into a skyfull of bright stars.

      Reply
      • Very true. 50% of the world’s population live in cities now. Even starlight can be pretty bright. Once I took a tour of a mine. In one big room, they herded us all together and, after a warning of course, turned their lamps out. We all got to experience TOTAL darkness for a couple of minutes. It’s freaky, because no matter how dark it seems, eventually your eyes adjust and you start to make out shapes… Not so in a mine cave.

        Reply
        • Interesting story…..that could be really scary worrying about “what if” the lights refused to work again.

          Reply
          • How about what those men just went through in that mine in Chile? It was quite some days before they got that first narrow hole bored down to them.

            Reply
            • I think I would have gone bonkers down there…..I tend to feel claustrophobic in confined spaces…….Inga and I did one of those underground mine tours last year and I was OK with the lights on, but I would have gone nuts in the dark.

              That rescue in Chile surely has to go down as one of the greatest human achievements of all time.

              Reply
  7. You farm spiders too? Oooh! I just harvested a bunch of them from our back porch. They especially like to engulf the door in webs, so when I step outside, I always have annoying little fibers all over my face and hair.

    But I hope your nose feels better, GOF. I second the suggestion about just keeping a flashlight/torch next to your bed and grabbing it when you need to use the WC. I keep one of those keychain-sized ones on my bedstand since our hallway is booby-trapped by a huge dog that sprawls right in front of the bathroom.

    Reply
    • We have to farm spiders HG or the cockroach population goes out of control. πŸ™‚

      I’m now convinced the flashlight option is a sensible idea. Life is one big learning experience. πŸ™‚

      Reply
  8. Wow, that is one looooong walk to the bathroom…..er……I mean the undisclosed location. I am fortunate that I can get out of bed, take three steps and be in my undisclosed location. The floor is cold but at least I do not have to deal with booby traps and ambush pits!!

    Hope the nose heals quickly. OUCH. That sounds painful!

    Reply
    • Thanks Freedom, you have provided the most innovative solution to my problem……moving the bathroom closer to the bedroom……..I’ll take the concrete mixer out of mothballs and Mrs GOF can get to work on it. πŸ™‚

      Reply
  9. I can see I lead a dull life.

    Reply
  10. Do you think that you need to get out more?

    Reply
  11. I guess a chamber pot under the bed is out of the question???

    We have an outside loo so it’s always a lottery if you have to visit in the wee small hours…
    woe betide anyone who hasn’t put shoes on the shoe rack or left a soccer ball in the wrong place on the back verandah – can result in all sorts of traumas.
    We also have Max.
    Max is our second cat – he moved in a few weeks back (uninvited) and is now a fixture.
    He is almost completely black – with just the odd bit of white here and there.
    He chooses to sleep, most nights, right next to the back door. (When curled up, he looks completely black).
    He also thinks it’s his right to accompany anyone to the loo. There is something very disturbing about sitting and suddenly feeling something wrapping itself around your legs while half asleep…

    Reply
    • You paint a wonderful rural picture there CC….one that I can identify with completely.

      And a big NO NO NO NO NO to the chamber pot idea……sheesh…that would be off-putting to sleep wouldn’t it.

      Once in PNG whilst sitting on a bush dunny in the middle of the night, a tree snake slithered out of the thatch roof, down my body and into the pit. Took my mind off the original aim of the project it did. πŸ™‚

      Reply
      • Once, while camping I glanced up into the corner of a pit toilet (dunny to you, apparently) and there was a spider the size of a baseball sitting in the corner of the roof. Amazingly my need to relieve myself was lowered quite a bit on that trip.

        But a snake?!?! Slithering down your body in the middle of the night? *GLERK*

        Reply
        • Yep…a spider that size would be quite off-putting too…….I need to have all the planets in alignment for a successful operation. πŸ™‚

          Reply
  12. I love the layout/ battle-plan!

    Feel better, I’ve broken my nose 3 times and it never gets easier.

    Reply
  13. This is hilarious! I love the drawing and I did indeed mistaken the cat for a rat. Hope your nose is feeling better. This same scenario is carried out in our household except it involves my husband and a strategically placed shoe.

    Reply
  14. What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. And also a slightly different shape in the nose area. What you need to do is build an ensuite toilet by your bedroom. It would make your midnight sorties much less dangerous.

    Reply
  15. Tears of laughter. I guess this means I have to share some of my clutzy accident stories as well.

    Does this mean you won’t be sliding down the banister in songlike fashion any time soon?

    Reply
    • Looking forward to your stories Emmy……and I don’t have a bannister….maybe I need one to stop me falling arse over tit down the 3 steps. πŸ™‚

      Reply
  16. LOL! Oh my, you live a life of thrill and suspence! Great story – but I hope your nose recovered quickly!

    Reply
    • Thanks for visiting fatcat……..I’m expecting a call from the James Bond producers anyday now. πŸ™‚

      Nose is good…..pride not so much…..someone keeps reminding me πŸ™‚

      Reply

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